So, Uhura stopped by on the way to the bridge this morning looking like a re-heated redshirt. She was wearing that gold uniform again, which really isn't her color. The red really brings out the fire in her eyes. And besides, she works communications so according to regulations, her uniform is supposed to be red, after all this is work, not a cocktail party! I swear I'm going to have to ask Dr. McCoy if there's such thing as red/gold color blindness or if she's just trying to double her wardrobe. I just let it pass. I figured in the state she's in today, uniform color was the last thing she wanted to discuss.
|Red/Yellow color blind|
Well, I sat her right down in a salon chair and got one of the girls to tidy her up while I mixed her up my little remedy. My remedy is no secret as I made it to aid mankind, not for personal gain so I'll pass it along to you. Here it is: one part corn syrup, one part botox and one part Vegemite. Take a teaspoon or two of that and your hangover will be 100% cured and it will numb your gastrointestinal track for at least the next week. There's one little side effect, explosive diarrhea, but you won't notice the stomach cramps because of the numbness. Stay close to a bathroom. (Which, believe me, is a little difficult on this ship.) I used to just call it "my remedy" or "corn syrup/botox/vegemite combo", but Kirk shortened it to "cor-bo-mite" back when we were at the Academy together and that name just kinda stuck. And, incidentally, that was also back when our little poker night tradition started.
|Kirk knows the benefits and side effects of my Corbomite|
Poker night, as a tradition, started back when Jimmy Kirk, Gary Mitchell and I were at the Academy. Others would come and go, but we were the core group. In fact, I think Jimmy insisted on having Gary and I assigned to the Enterprise to try and make back some of his loses from those days. Now, here on the ship, we play every other Friday. That is, if we are not facing impending doom, which is more often then you might guess. We have a cap of ten players and we usually play at capacity, but since Gary died we've played with one chair empty. I've been pushing to give Spock an invite but everyone seems to think he would find the game distasteful since Vulcan's don't bluff, eat pretzels or (like Baptists) play cards.
|Poker, I don't even know her|
So last night, the conversation turned to the position of recreational officer. You see, Gary served in that capacity in addition to his duties as helmsman and Kirk mentioned that we needed a replacement; you know, what with Gary being dead and all. Well, several people had a horse in that race. The position is pretty cushy; it doesn't require much, mostly delegation and signing off on activities. All the planning and executing are done by the rec staff. What makes the job so desirable is the perks that come with it. First of all, who doesn't love the rec officer. Second, you can push activities and destinations that you like the most; Gary liked to set up lots of hunting and hiking trips. He also liked visiting casino settlements and colonies with large, clean brothels (That wasn't bad for me because, as you know, those working girls always have some of the most experimental hairdos in the universe and when there are brothels around there are also good Korean beauty supply stores). Anyhoo, the biggest perk of the job is that it comes with new quarters. That's right, an apartment like suite with an amazing view and a jacuzzi inset tub!
|Dr. McCoy's Ancestor, Julie McCoy with her captain and crew|
|Let's get physical|
There are no hard feelings between Uhrua and I today, but Bones is fit to be tied. I sent Uhura off to the bridge, she still looks a little rough, but it's going to be a slow day of star mapping so she'll be fine. I'll avoid Bones until things calm down a bit. He can take it out on Kirk during his physical today.
|"Hey, did that noise come from you?"|
Well, I was working on Tina Lawton's hair when we blasted that cube. There was really no warning. Now, as an aside, I have never understood why the safety division of Starfleet was eliminated by the Federation Council or how the anti-seat belt lobby ever became that powerful. Some say it is a deliberate attempt at population control. Others buy the Heavyco conspiracy theory (Heavyco is the company that owns the monopoly in gravity plating). No matter what the reason for the policy, I directly defied all orders and regulations by making sure all of the salon chairs in salonbay are equipped with black market, contraband seat belts that I personally obtained through my connections deep within the Orion Syndicate. (Oh, Computer, strike this last paragraph from my log.)
|Seat belts? Too much to ask?|
|Anyone who has a ship that big is compensating for something|
I found Bailey in his quarters. He was weeping, positively squealing, like a Tellerite child. I ordered him to quit blubbering and to walk with me. He asked me how we could have ended up in such a situation and I told him to think of his "WAWOHA" training. (See my post WAWOHA: Why Are We Out Here Anyway). I reminded him of the mission. I told him to think of all the good things that have come from space exploration. I made him remember the unicorns. Then I reminded him that if he was going to die or be disabled in space he'd get a lot more compensation if he was on duty. I've never seen a man move that fast.
|Nothing like coffee to take your mind off death|
I guess I should continue packing, not for my new quarters but for the planet on which we are about to be abandoned. Balok (not Ballocks as I previously thought though the latter does match the shape of his head) is going to escort us to a suitable world and then destroy my new cabin (along with the rest of the ship). Get this, Kirk told Balok that all UFP ships contain a substance called "corbomite" that creates an equal and opposite deadly force when attacked. What a hoot! It apparently kept Balok from firing on us (although Uhura probably knows about equal and opposite explosive forces right now.)
|I like long walks on the beach and puppies|
|Is this tranya roofied?|
After meeting him, I don't think Balok is a threat. He just has a little self-esteem problem and needs to learn the lesson that Ruth got back with that whole Venus drug incident. I told him, "Put down the tranya and be the best you, you can be. 'Cause no one can love you until you love yourself." I told him all about Ruth and how she got pretty from within. But I wanted to be realistic. I told him she started with a little more paint on her palette, so to speak, than he had. I convinced Balok to come over and let us replicate him a few wigs that he can wear for some new profile pictures. I told him we could make him look a little more masculine and intimidating if we ditch the silver headband and get him some pointy sideburns. Oh and we're gonna trim those bushy brows.
|Having a laugh with Balok|
When Balok got to Salonbay he had a terrible Tranya hangover. I mixed him up my hangover remedy and he said "What do you call this?" I said, "That, my friend, is corbomite." With that we both threw our heads back and laughed and laughed! I stopped laughing before he did, but it was so awkward I just pretended to laugh some more.
Oh and I almost forgot. When Kirk came staggering back and smelling of tranya he called me right up. He said he'd found a tenth for our next poker night. He slurred out something about someone wanting to know more about the game, and then I think he must have passed out because the com went all silent. I wonder who that tenth player could be? I guess I'll find out soon enough!