Monday, May 7, 2012

Future Past Tense: Hairdos of Tomorrow from Yesterday #1

A Telerite Beauty Perfectly Portraying a Porcine Princess
Grammar for time travelers can be quite confusing. For instance, future past tense is used when one talks about something one already did at a time that hasn't occurred yet. For instance, if I ate dinner yesterday I use simple past tense. If I then travel backwards in time to the day before yesterday, the meal remains consumed but the mealtime has yet to come. Therefore, to express these ideas clearly I use future past tense. Simple right?

Matt and Meridith
Anyhoo, Grammar is a discussion for another time. I'm borrowing the phrase "future past tense" to expound upon the topic of hairdos of the future as imagined in the media of earth past. On the homeworld, old Earth, people once had access to a thing called the interwebs. These interwebs were much like that thingy we use today to do stuff and whatnot. You know what I'm talking about. The interwebs were made up of many things. On average, use of the interwebs could be broken down as follows: 2% of use to gain new knowledge, 5% of use to advertise mostly using dancing things like babies or women,  3% of use for communication (both business and personal), 11% for entertainment (a full 5% of that was restricted to watching videos of kittens and their precious shenanigans, I think this had something to do with a religious cult of some kind that no longer exists). The remaining 79% was reserved for posting and viewing men and women in varying degrees of undress (mostly full frontal) and engaged in, not just compromising positions, but positions that certainly required countless hours of negotiation. Well, I digress. I happen to have a copy of the "internet" starting with it's birth in the late 20th century to it's eventual demise in the early 22nd. (I keep misplacing it because it's just so small, the size of an old US Earth dime, although you probably don't know what that is seeing as we don't have money anymore)

A Honey with Buns to Prove it
I searched these old interwebs hoping to find lost hair technology or styles. On my journey through the interwebs I discovered that our ancestors loved fictional visions of the future and flowing from those visions were heads of hair with imagined future dos, some of which have come to pass!

So, here I present to you my first installment, hair of the future as imagined in the past: Princess Leia Organa, a honey with the buns to prove it.Apparently, this do was in a film known as Star Wars and became all the rage on Earth.(For more info on Leia and her daughter Padme check out the site Like Mother, Like Daughter)

Mona Leia

Here I offer you proof of the popularity of the double-bun do. Here is a DaVinci original, the Mona Leia (this is what an ancient earth DVD player, a time machine and drunken college pranks will get you, hopefully the timeline wasn't altered too much as a result.

Jennifer Aniston  (an earth princess, equally famous for her hair)

Another wearer of the do was the late twentieth century (and early 21st) girl-next-door, Jennifer Aniston. She was reportedly a friend to all. Aniston is connected with another popular do. Around the turn of the 21st century, the "Rachael" haircut Aniston made popular was forced almost universally upon whole herds of women. Those were bleak years for hair, but somehow mankind survived.

Other wearers of this look include Tina Fey, Meridith Vieira two popular telescreenovision personalities. The final picture here is of  a Telerite beauty who became extraordinarily popular on Earth under the pseudonym, Miss Piggy. (She is also famous for championing inter-species marriage rights)

The look disappered sometime toward the end of the 21st century and is due for a revival. And so we salute you, honeybun hairdo: May the force be with you, hairdo. May the force be with you. (Ah, yes, the hold is strong with this one--especially if you use the head lacquer known as Aquanet)

Tina Fey (aka: Liz Lemon Leia)


  1. Hahhahhhahaha! Awesome. I attemped the Leia hairdo back in grammar school (a phase of education not limited only to teaching grammar) but it's very difficult to maintain without the budget for copious amounts of Aquanet.

    I can't wait to learn more from you, oh wise one.

  2. Oh, Kitten, thank you so much. How's your blog these days?

  3. Oh, Moxie! Clearly time for a come-back! I think the Honeybun Hairdo will look great with those spacetastic bullet-bra minis you designed for the crew. ~Pilver Danby