You know, there are a million ways to die in space; space madness being among them. And then when you open up the big can of whip-ass that is space madness, you'll find that there are a million different forms of space madness. Like Russian dolls within Russian dolls, just contemplating space madness can lead to space madness. Now let's see, where was I? Is it hot in here or is it just me? I think I'm having flashback. And if it's my flashback, why am I seeing little Johnny Rambo in my head?
ANYHOO...This week's podcast is about that recent horrible outbreak of SPACE MADNESS that broke out on the ship and nearly killed us all. We actually only had one casualty and that was my dear Joey Tormolen, another of my ill-fated suitors (don't worry, McCoy has upped my dose of grief meds).
Now, of course, this episode corresponds to the historical record called The Naked Time. (Star Trek, The Original Series, Season 1, Episode 4 (by airdate): The Naked Time--currently available on instant watch on Netflix and available on DVD).
That Joe Tormolen! He's just the sweetest thing. He went down to Psi 2000 with Spock to pick up the science party that was there. I insisted he review the training film: "Landing Party Safety and You: Keep it Covered, Crewman" (Oddly that brings to mind another training film title "Alien Sex and Your Health: Keep it Covered, Crewman"). I don't think he heard a word I said! He just brushed it off and gave me a little kiss. He said "Will you miss me while I'm gone?" He needs so much reassurance. He's always had such a capacity for self doubt, you know. In fact, that's what I said to Spock just yesterday while we were having lunch together. We were discussing particle physics. The conversation came around to Psi 2000. Spock was telling me about how our orbit may be difficult because of changes in gravity, mass and magnetic field that will occur as the planet degrades. I told him my Joey was going to be in the landing party with him and I said, "Take care of my Joey, Mr. Spock. He's not the brightest phaser in the armory. He's always had such a capacity for self doubt." That's what I said alright. Hopefully they'll be back soon and in one piece. Actually, two pieces since there are two of them. We certainly don't need some kind of transporter malfunction.
This just in: SPACE MADNESS! There are rumors flying around the ship that some kind of space madness took over on the surface and that all of those scientists we were going to pick up are dead! I was all ready to meet the hair and makeup needs of those poor ladies and gentlemen who have had to quaff themselves our here at the ass-end of space for so long without the guidance of a trained professional, and now...oh well. Joey dropped by on his way down to lunch. He seemed really agitated. The deaths of the six members of the science party really has him rattled. I guess it doesn't help that I'm always saying that there are a thousand ways to die out here in space. (Which incidentally is the title of another training video "A Thousand Ways to Die in Space: Keep it Covered, Crewman".) He said he'd tell me all the details from the away mission if I'd join him for lunch. Tina was in the dryer and I told him I'd meet him in the rec room as soon as she was done. He can clear up all these rumors. I hope Sulu and Riley can join us. They make such a cute little couple. The way Sulu looks at Riley is so sweet and Riley is just like a little puppy dog. He's been running around fetching plants and flowers for Sulu's little botanical garden. It's just too too!
If only I had gotten to the rec room on time Joe might not have been stabbed with that butter knife! He would be here safe in my arms instead of languishing away in sick bay. How could this happen? I talked to Sulu and Riley about it; they were there. They said they tried to stop him from doing himself in. They tried to take the knife from him but in the kerfuffle Joey was stabbed. Sulu and Riley both looked crestfallen. I don't think there was any foul play, but one thing keeps bothering me: Joey suffered a deep wound from that butter knife, but there was not even the smallest rip in his uniform. Isn't that odd. McCoy says he'll be fine and although I trust McCoy implicitly, he is a doctor, not a fortune teller. I've got a bad feeling about this.
By Vulcan's disappering moon, it's hot in here. I'm feeling a little bit light headed.
____________________________________________________________________
"How you doin'?"
I went to see Joey in sick bay and Nurse Chapel told me he was dead! DEAD! Zoiks! I can hardly believe it. She said he had just given up the will to live. How can it be? I staggered out of sickbay. I was sweating like a Vulcan in heat and the whole world was spinning. I went back to my quarters just to take a moment to myself. When I woke up the ship seemed to be washed in a fresh new hell.
Sulu's half naked and waving that thing around again
Sulu was running around waving that little pointed thing of his at everyone. It's a wonder he didn't put someones eye out! They've got him down in sickbay now. Riley is singing over the com. Seems like he's locked himself in engineering and declared himself captain. Salon bay is closed, captain's orders, not due to my grief, but anytime we are riding rough in space Starfleet thinks it best to keep sharp objects away from the heads of the crew. Though my skills are legendary, I tend to agree. If this orbit gets any rougher I'm going to have to see McCoy.
_____________________________________
The horrors of the Eugenics Wars
OK. I've had enough. Sure, Riley declaring himself captain is one thing, but announcing that women should wear their hair loosely around their shoulders and not wear much make-up is fanatical fashion fascism! Didn't mankind learn from the Eugenics Wars of the late 1990's that fashion is a flower that must grow free? Did all those fashion operatives have to die in vain? (If you've read my book Supermen and Supermodels: The Secret Eugenics Wars of the 1990's then you understand the atrocities rained down upon humanity by such luminaries of evil as Khan Noonien Singh, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss.) The world almost fell to the fanatical ideology of Super Modelism. Why, fashion editors did not fight and die to wrestle the industry away from those glamazons who held magazine covers captive just to be spat upon by the likes of Riley. I'll make that sinner repent of his crimes if it's the last thing I do!
Oh my, I'm a little worked up. I think I'll stroll around the ship and see if I can calm my nerves.
My memory of what happened after my nap is sketchy. I have flashes of Spock in tears and Kirk dragging himself around saying something about "No beach.....to walk...on." Chapel was a little odd too, if I remember correctly. She kept telling me she loved me and that I was her best friend in the whole world (just like she did at last years Kwanza party). I think I may have punched her. The next thing I remember is waking up in sick bay screaming at the top of my lungs. My hair was a mess and when I looked down my hands were red. I had the overwhelming sense that I had killed Lt. Riley! Looking back over my log probably explains why. It turns out that Riley is ok and the red on my hands was just paint. I have no clue where it came from.
He doesn't even need to leave the ship to rip the shirt
I've got to get down to salon bay. The intoxication we've all experienced has taken toll on everyone's hair. No one's beauty regime has remained untouched by this calamity and it's going to take a miracle worker like me to set things straight. The weekend seems farther away than usual and this week is going to be longer than most (about three days longer to be exact). Don't forget to adjust your calendars. (Computer, note that I rolled my eyes heavily at this point, please.)
Oh, my goodness! Look what I found! Here is Five Year Missions little video depicting the events of our most recent tragic adventure. Now, they are nowhere as good as I am at cheering, but they can play a right nice little tune.
Here's another song that was written for those poor silver eyed souls, Mitchell and Dehner, who gave their lives in the exploration of the galaxy, only to be totally eclipsed by their desire to kill all humans. Here is a rendition of that song by Lin Yu Chun and someone named Shatner.
Death is always close in the vacuum of space; but fortunately so is school spirit! Give me an "R"! Give me an "I"! Give me a "P"! Go boldly into that dark night, Gary Mitchell, fellow Starfleet Honeybadger. You will be remembered as one heck of a quarterback and...well, isn't that good enough?
If you would like to refresh your memory about tonight's webisode, check out Starfleet's historical records (Star Trek, The Original Series, Season 1, Episode 3 (by airdate): Where No Man Has Gone Before--currently available on instant watch on Netflix and available on DVD).
And please, I need your help. If you like this video, please "like" it on Youtube and share it with your friends!
I was in the rec room today when that awful distress signal came in. I really had no business being there. I have so much to do, what with reviewing the new regulations and all, but a girl needs a little diversion now and then. Kirk and Spock were there playing 3-D chess--again. I could see from a glance at the board that Kirk was obviously going to win. I'm always telling Mr. Spock he needs a little intuition mixed with his logic. In fact, I was playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with him the other day in the rec room (He always has to have the green hippo which is fine because my hippo of choice is pink) and and I beat him five out of six games. He kept saying "I don't see the logic of bright colored earth mammals standing in a circle eating marbles."
"Silly Vulcan" I said. "This is an important ancient game like chess or mancala and you can learn a lot about Earth civilization if you'd just loosen up and keep your head in the game." That Spock is such a caution! There are great moral and ethical implications of games, Hungry Hungry Hippo's included. Anyhoo.
Kirk and Spock ran off after that little call from Kelso came in about this space flotsam we encountered--some big metalic thingy. Ah, Lee Kelso. He's so sweet. We've been dating for about a month now and I've never felt so instantly close to anyone. Why, I know it's a little early but I think he may be just the right man for me. And to top it off he's really going places. He's ambitious and has the initiative needed to really go places in Starfleet. We could be Admirals someday, together!
Once they beamed that thing on board they put all decks on alert. "WHIIIIIRP WHIIIIIRP WHIIIIIRP!" It's enough to give a girl a nervous fit! Well, that thing turned out to be an old ship's recorder and it just up and started transmitting. By then, I was back down in Salonbay. You see, the latest update to the Starfleet regulations manual is due soon; new uniforms are due out next week and yours truly was chosen to review and update starfleet grooming standards. When they implement my recommendations, the bouffant will finally gain the respect it deserves and I predict it will become the female equivalent to the standard male buzz cut. Mark my word, in this fleet, women's hair has nowhere to go but up!
Oh, and the uniforms! Mini skirts are so much more progressive than pants for space pioneers like myself. These baggy cowl-neck tops are fine for winter, but they lack the sophisticated simplicity of the bullet bras and scooped necks of the new uniforms. And the colors! Red, blue and gold! The addition of red uniforms, especially for security officers, makes the statement "Look at me! I'm here! I'm Starfleet! I demand to be treated with respect!" They certainly beat those flesh colored things everyone is wearing now. Starfleet has made the right choices this time and I think these bright uniforms will be around for years to come.
Mitchell called to tell me I was needed on the bridge before we left the galaxy. Seems they want all the department heads there. I told him I had crewman Jackson under the dryer and I'd be there as soon as her hair set. That's when it hit; whatever "it" was. The product shelf fell and conditioner bottles went willy nilly all over the floor. The dryer exploded and poor crewman Jackson died instantly (But at least she went to the great beyond with perfectly set hair.) The guys from mortuarybay are always so busy but they should be here soon.
Stardate 1312.9
I just left Gary in sickbay. He was arrogant, egotistical and all hands--he seemed like the same old Gary to me. He's always been a bit assy, even back when we were at the academy. Carol Marcus and I used to double date him and Kirk back in San Francisco. In those days, Gary was like an octopus dipped in cheap cologne. I just went out with him for Carol's sake. She really took a shine to Kirk and they were a cute couple. They even set a date to get married. Carol had picked out her dress (an ivory mini with a plunging neckline and a fairytale veil) and I was going to be the maid of honor (Kelley green satin mini with the same cut as the bride's dress), but then they realized it would never work; as that ancient Earth wise woman, Dolly Parton, once said "A bird and a fish can fall in love but where will they make a home?" They decided the long distance life just wouldn't work, what with Kirk heading off to explore the universe and whatnot, and Carol doing her sciencey researchy thing. The week before we left Earth Carol told me that her "pon farr had ended logically" if you know what I mean and she swore me to secrecy. (And Moxie is as good as her word--Kirk shall never hear it from me!)
Anyhoo, Gary seemed fine except for his eyes: they were as silver as Uhura's nails. I guess Dr. Piper is looking into that but I don't think his heart or mind are really with us anymore. You know, he's about to retire--bought a condo on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, so I've heard. He'll end up drinking himself to death surrounded by more green hookers he can shake his stick at; you mark my words.
When I left sickbay I passed that Dr. Dehner. (Now see, she's the perfect example: the current uniform, those capri pants and high collar, just make her look spindly. She'd look much more professional in a bullet bra mini wearing an up-do, don't you think?) She was on her way to visit Gary, I bet. She's kind of a cold fish to the ladies on board and the men mostly think she's like an ice replicator. After I saw her, I passed Lee. Ah, my dear Mr. Kelso. Lee stole a kiss in the corridor outside of sickbay. Seems he's on his way to see Gary too.
I wasn't able to attend the meeting of officers in person. I was ordered by Starfleet to stay put in salonbay while they reviewed the new grooming codes. The codes have to be published fleet wide by week's end and they wanted to make sure I could be instantly contacted for questions. Kirk did want me there though, so I listened in the whole time via intercom. Boy, Dehner was saucy! (You know that haircut is a new one for her. When she came on board her hair was long and frizzy. She was in desperate need of a cream rinse. I took her aside and convinced her she needed that old earth Garbo/Dietrich look; said it suited her bone structure and that it would be so simple to take care of that even she couldn't go wrong. And Viola! You can make a silk purse from a sow's ear; you just have to have the mix of science and art of a damn good master xenocosmetologist like yours truly! ) While she was going on about her "mutated superior man" nonsense, I was filing my nails and rolling my eyes. I just kept my mouth shut. Because I was so quiet, Kirk forgot to turn off the com. I heard the whole conversation between Kirk and Spock after everyone left without them knowing. They're going to abandon Mitchell! He is an ass, but oh my.
Stardate 1313.1
We've arrived at Delta Vega. It's shining red and swirly beyond the Salonbay windows. Lee just left. He's beaming down with a repair party to try and fix things up. We argued before he left. I told him I didn't want him to go down to the planet, that I had a bad feeling about it. He said I was being silly and I told him that it was my woman's intuition. He said "If you have such a high ESP level why didn't that thing that mutated Mitchell get you too?" I said "Oh, you'd like that would you?" and I chocked back a tear. He felt all guilty after that and said "You know I really love you baby," and then, and here's the kicker he said, "You know you're my girl, I'm gonna marry you some day." and he meant it. I didn't want to make a fuss over it so I smiled and gave him a kiss. I told him to make sure he came back in one piece.
Kirk, Spock and Dehner passed by on their way to sickbay. They're going to try and get Gary down to the planet. Dehner had her Amway sample case with her which I thought odd, but maybe that was part of the plan to get Gary off ship. (I know when someone tries to talk to me about Amway, I'll do just about anything to escape!)
Stardate 1313.03
Kelso has done an amazing job on Delta Vega! He and the engineering crew have gotten the ship up and running in record time. Kirk is really impressed with their work and they are all receiving full commendations--especially my Lee. He's going to be a captain of his own ship in no time! It's highly unusual for a captain to choose a cosmetologist as his first officer but it's not impossible! I always thought I would become a captain before him, because I'm so, well, superior at what I do, but either way. I can't wait to see him tonight! I'll get chef to make a special meal for Lee and his team and then later we can celebrate alone in his quarters!
Stardate 1313.08
I'm going to bed early and alone. Lee is dead. Mitchell is dead. Dehner is dead. They brought back Lee's body but Mitchell and Dehner were left on the planet or annihilated, I suppose. Kirk, Spock and Piper are back on board. Kirk came back on board with his shirt in tatters--again. I swear, when his mother was pregnant she must have been frightened by a shirt because it's just in his nature to destroy them. As for Piper, stick a fork in that man because he is done. We're dropping him of at the next port so he can start his retirement early. That man has never meshed with the crew. Unfortunately, I doubt anyone will ever remember he was even on the ship in just a number of weeks. Anyhoo, I hope he finds just the right green stripper to live out the rest of his days with.
Oh dear. Rest in peace, Lee Kelso my dearest darling. You would have looked so handsome in your new uniform. I'll see to it that you're buried in that red shirt (that wouldn't be bad luck would it?)
Here's just a little glimpse of Spice World for you, the alternate universe where the Spice Girls stayed together and founded their Spice Dynasty. Remember in 1984 how the government sought to control thought by manipulating the language thus creating "newspeak"? Remember how the Smurfs used the word "smurf" as all parts of speech to describe just about anything? Combine the two, substitute "spice" for "smurf" and you've got the idea of Spice World.
As you can clearly see from this video, Spice World really is a dismal place. If you look closely in this video you'll see Rick Deckard chasing replicants in the background.
So, thank your lucky stars that those dangerous women were forced apart by time agents in order to keep this timeline from following that mad descent into the darkness that is Spice World.
If you'd like to know more about the boys in Five Year Mission then here's just the thing for you! It's just the loveliest little interview.
I think Noah is completely sober in that interview (I'm using sober as a relative term, of course)! And the other boys all come across as so well mannered and friendly. That certainly does say something about the power of good video editing!
Welcome to Webisode Wednesday! This week, Mz. Moxie is taking a little break from her amazing adventures aboard the Enterprise to promote her favorite band, The Spice Girls Five Year Mission.
Any text that I follow that image with will surely be ignored, so without further ado, I give to you, this weeks webisode of THE MOXIE POD:
This week, we're taking time away from our busy adventures for a musical interlude. Yes, you heard that right. The Moxie Pod on Webisode Wednesday will be all about the boys in the band Five Year Mission! Oh, and did I neglect to tell you that I, Moxie, that I am a classically trained cycletar player. It's almost a lost art in the 23rd century which is why people love to hear me play! Yes, I know what you're thinking. How could so much talent be combined with so much beauty? And I don't know how to answer that. All I know is that it doesn't happen often.
Now here's Mr. Spock picking up on what I was throwing down, you dig?
We do have a number of musically talented crew members. Spock plays the Vulcan lyre and Uhura sings and Kirk talks a song better than just about anyone! Just last week, we were throwing down a groove in Rec Room 6. (Remember the picture of me sitting there bored? Well, that was just part of the story!)
As I mentioned our captain can talk a song like no one else (excluding, of course, Pearl Bailey). And here's just a little sample:
Now, don't forget to tune in on Webisode Wednesday for The Moxie Pod and I'll tell you all you want to know about my friends in FIVE YEAR MISSION!
Now this week is all about young Mr. Charlie Evans. Remember him? You know, the one that turned Tina into a lizard and just about killed us all. Poor Tina, she just hasn't been the same. She does still have that little nubbin left over from what was once her lizard tail and I think I saw her trying to catch a fly in Rec Room 6 just yesterday! She's still got a bit of iguana left in her. I had just finished doing her hair when Charlie zapped her--reminds me of that old saying: Hair today, Gorn tomorrow. Anyhoo, that little band from the 21st century, Five Year Mission, has written a song about Charlie and it is a pure delight! Almost makes up for all those poor souls who died on the Antares. Here's the video:
After doing some research of my own, I believe that those golden-throated galaxy birds in Five Year Mission are more than they seem. I grew suspicious of their music when I noted the plucking tinkle of an authentic Vulcan lyre hidden away behind the melody in one of their songs! Why, first contact with the Vulcans won't be until 2063. How could they have possibly acquired a Vulcan lyre? (I actually prefer the name Vulcan lute simply because everyone knows that Vulcans find lies distasteful.) The only possible explanation for these young interstellar canaries is that they have come to the 21st century from the future. I have reason to believe that they are actually from my own time, the twenty-third century! This of course is the simplest and most rational explanation.
Other explanations include that they are advanced gas-cloud beings who have taken human form to study us, or that they are musicians of the future who were split in two by a transporter malfunction and flung into the past (They probably have either really mean or really passive counterparts somewhere in the future wondering why they just don't feel whole anymore.) Another possibility that we must consider is that they are the last of a salt-vampire race, traveling from venue to venue singing to and sucking the salt from innocent groupies. We must check to see if there are any unsolved murders in the places they've played that involve desalinated, polka-dotted victims. Hmm, can we prove that they look the same to everyone? Has anyone noticed Nancy Crater playing with them on stage at any point? That may explain the screaming, crying, fainting fans. After all, the easy road to success is just to appear as whoever your fans wish to see? Please, if you see them live, pay attention. If someone in the crowd screams "They look just like the Beatles!" (or the Go-gos or the Monkeys or five members of the Brady Bunch) then we may indeed have salt vampires on our hands.
Well, until we can figure out where they came from for sure, keep buying their music so they won't get suspicious. (You can buy it on amazon.com or iTunes or directly from their site. Check out the 5YM store on their site. They have groovy t-shirts and stickers and buttons too .)
This week's webisode is called "Charlie X" and no, the x is not for x-rated. It's rated G for Glamour, simply because there is not F rating for Faboo.
We were hanging out in Rec Room 6 when Charlie Evans came into our lives
If you guessed that this webisode corresponds to Star Trek, The Original Series episode entitled "Charlie X", then give yourself a cookie! Feel free to watch that episode, currently streaming on Netflix and on DVD, to further your understanding of our amazing adventures.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you episode two of The Moxie Pod, Charlie X:
We’ve rendezvoused with the Antares to pick up some 17 year old kid who is the sole survivor of a ship crash when he was 3. He was on the planet Thasus all that time alone, eating gods know what and going without a hair and skin regimen of any kind. I can't think of anything more barbaric! Why even pig-faced Telerites have skin regimens! Not that it does them any good. Gosh, maybe he’ll have long Fabio castaway hair that he wants formed into some sort of masculine bee hive up-do! Hmmm, I know the chief cosmetological officer on the Antares, Belinda Bustamonte. We were in the same class at Starfleet. She always wore her hair in that unflattering pixie cut that took no finesse at all to cut or style. Of course she’s older than me and doesn’t have my skills. I bet she already gave him some kind of Vulcan bowl cut or that bald faux-Deltan look she's always trying to push. What a hack! I’d better get salonbay and make sure my sonic scissors are charged, just in case.
________________________________________________
Poor Charlie! I was hanging out with Janice down in Rec Room 6 after he came on board and there he was! His hair was so short and, well, dull, that it barely covered that odd shaped head of his. That awful Belinda just butchered his hair! I think she only knows one do--it looked just like hers! I went right up and introduced myself. He's so shy; he could barely look me in the eye. Come to think of it, he didn't have any trouble staring at my breasts. He said his hair fell in long curled ringlets to his waist before Belinda got hold of him. Oh the humanity! How could she? Anyhoo, there’s no use crying over clipped ringlets. Belinda will get hers: Karma don't like bad hair.
Spock and Uhura were down in Rec Room 6, too. Mr. Spock was agonizing over his Vulcan lyre. Sometimes I think he's just analyzing the frequency of the notes. Well, Uhura just broke out in song--again! I'm surprised she doesn't sing "hailing frequencies open" when she's on the bridge. Actually, she used to until the captain ordered her to stop. I never did like space shanties but she loves to belt them at the drop of a hat. Actually, Spock is quite good with improvisation. I’ll never forget that time in space port when he and that Andorian with an accordion started free styling. Now that was Jazz at its finest.
Uhura does look great though. She had an appointment in Spabay yesterday and I straightened and set her hair. I really wish she would go natural, well mostly natural. Dilithium lifted Afros not only keep their shape at warp speeds, they also have a luminous inner glow that captivates in low light.
Charlie seems really taken with Rand. He gave her a bottle of her favorite perfume earlier. Lord knows where he got it! (She likes “Calvin Klein’s Mind Meld Anesthesia” from Delta IV. It’s made from humanely harvested pheromones of the hairless white pygmy ferret chimps that the Deltans evolved from.) He did some neat card tricks for her. In one of them the faces of the cards turned into those glamor shots she had taken at that mall in San Francisco just before we left earth. Thank gods he didn’t get hold of those that she took with her communicator later that night. She had a teensy weensy bit too much out at that single's club around the off-world embassy district. (I got a cute Vulcan to pick her up off the floor and put her in the cab. Vulcans are great to have around if you need something heavy lifted. He kept saying “It’s not logical to drink so much alcohol.” So I said to him “Well tell me Mr. logicy pants, how logical is it to be trolling for earth chicks in a singles bar when your obviously not in heat.” No emotions my patooty. I thought his right eyebrow was going to fall off the back of his head! )
_________________________________
You’ll never guess, dear cosmelog, what happened today. Well, it's Thanksgiving. I’ve never much celebrated it being an orphan and all and having spent my childhood years in slavery on Verex III, but anyhoo… So, chef put replicated meat loaf in the ovens and when he checked it, the pans of meatloaf had magically transformed into live wild turkeys! Yes, unplucked, undressed, wild earth turkeys! Imagine, Poor Chef, peering in the ovens as those majestic birds danced their dance of fiery death! The galley was filled with the swan song of turkey cries as they thrashed around in that hot oven! Now the whole ship smells of burning feathers and death.
Oh, and the Antares is gone, poof, just like that. They contacted Kirk and before they could get a word out, poof, into thin air (bad cliche--but you get what I'm saying. I can't really say they vanished into the thin void of space now can I?) I can’t believe it. I was just saying how Belinda got by more on her charm, which was lacking, than on her skill, which was non-existent; but I never wished her ill. There are, as I've always said, 1000 ways to die in space; poofing out of existence being one of the less agonizing. RIP Belinda Bustamonte. May the great bird of the galaxy fly you away to the afterlife without mussing your hair. And yes, karma is a bitch.
_________________________________
Stardate1535.8
I’ve got a date tonight with Sam. He’s a bit older and kind of burly, not really my type; but he's sweet and jolly. He laughs a lot (mostly at people, not with people!) Sam’s a black belt in Martian Arts and that's kind of a turn on. He and Captain Kirk have been training together a lot, mostly because the captain is really impressed by Sam’s flying flop-kick and his dive and roll. Kirk has practiced it over and over and over and I think he’s finally got it down. Kirk really excels in the interlaced-finger double-fisted hammer blow. The captain looks so manly in his red, high-wasted gym tights and black workout socks. He really inspires our loyalty by always looking so dashing and professional.
Oh dear, I’ve got to run! Janice wants me to do Tina’s hair so that she can throw Tina at Charlie to get him off her back. Imagine that. She’s finally got some young guy falling all over her and she wants to get rid of him. I think I’ll give Tina a modified Judy Jetson—that one never gets old and it’s so easy to manage on your own. And bless Tina's heart; we all know she can't manage much.
Oh my goodness! I was at the gym doing some aerobic tumbling with the girls while Kirk and Sam were showing Charlie some of their moves. Something happened and Sam is gone! I didn't see it myself but Kirk said it was "poof", just like the Antares. Kirk had security up there faster than you can say "a klingon is your grandmother" and I guess they took Charlie away.
Oh dear, It's not that I'm really so upset about Sam, but I guess I’ll have to either stay in tonight or go out with the girls. Oh poo!
All phasers are gone! All the white pieces from the 3-D chess set, the 3-D checker set and the pan dimensional backgammon tower have been twistedly disfigured. Not only are all the phasers missing so are all the phase crimpers, curlers and flat irons! How am I ever going to manage these regulation up-dos? It's kind of strange, kind of wow. And everyone knows that it's caused by--Charlie!
Charlie is on a rampage! Tina is an iguana! Janice has vanished! Pammy Richards was leaving salon bay (with a work of art on her head, a masterpiece rarely seen this deep into space, I might add) and she’s now 102 years old if she’s a day. All that aging even made her hair fall, but I can fix that! I could give her a cucumber facial, but I think she's going to have to see McCoy rather than me. Gretchen Wilcox lost her face! She lost her face! Nurse chapel had to poke holes where her nostrils were just so she could breathe! I told her at least she could rest on the fact that her hair was not mussed by the incident at all. I put some lipstick on her where her lips should be to at least make her feel pretty. Then it hit me that she couldn't see. I put some eyeliner on where her eyes should be. I even tacked on some false eyelashes. She looked ok. I guess without eyes she had to take my word for it. Needless to say she wasn't very happy with her makeover.
Finally some good news. Janice is back. Uhura called me from the bridge and asked me to walk her back to her cabin. She told me everything! Seems that aliens raised Charlie on Thasus after all, just like Spock guessed (and they did not, I might add, raise him right!) They came to pick him up and said that they were really, really sorry and all but that he had never really learned to play well with others. Inter species adoption, as you may well know, can be a tricky thing.
The Thasians did do a great job putting everything back like it was before: Tina’s back, her hair needs to be done again and she still has a bit of a tail but she’s back. Pammy is young again; Gretchen has a face and her hair still looks flawless. I did pretty good with the makeup job 'cause it all seems to be in the right spots. The phasers and phase tools are back—I can crimp again! Even the white pieces of the board games have been twisted back into shape! Only two things are missing: The Antares and Sam. Everything else came back but Sam just got lost in the transfer somehow. Oh well, he wasn't really my type anyway. I’ll just stay in with Janice tonight and we can basket weave each others hair and do our nails. She's gonna need a light evening.
Poor Janice, this has all been too much for her. It’s enough to drive a woman to drink! She does look lovely in her pink toga mu mu and bullet bra night gown (that combo is all the rage in Paris boudoirs this season). She’s got to learn to roll with the punches if she’s going to complete this five year mission! (and I have told her and told her not to wear red. It does seem to make one a target.)
Oh, well, at least everything is mostly back to normal. I guess I should go encourage Tina to have Dr. McCoy have a look at her tail to see what can be done for it.
Until next time, cosmelog. Moxie Magnus, signing off.
If you're unsure of which division you want to sign up for remember this rhyme:
If you want to grow old
Wear blue or gold.
You'll come home dead
if you wear red.
There was another official Starfleet recruiting rhyme that never really caught on:
Command is Gold, join the fold!
Science is Blue, we need you!
Security is Red, Not everyone can be science and command.
Admiral Barnett at a hearing for some noob.
I remember when I joined; back in the old days, when Admiral Richard Barnett was head of the Starfleet academy Board. They had a whole campaign back then that used his picture:
The Slogan was "Starfleet Wants YOU!" (or was it "Big Mother is watching"? That's right! They couldn't use "Big Mama" for some reason because they were afraid people would get confused. I don't rightly remember why.)
Ah, Admiral Barnett! He was responsible for ending the Starfleet ban on cross dressers in fat suits.
No, "The Man Trap" does not refer to me and my charms (although I would categorize myself as irresistible with a side order of va-va-voom) nor does it refer to my, um, well, "tribble".
Anyhoo, to refresh your memory of the events surrounding this webisode, please watch Starfleet historical records (Star Trek, The Original Series, Season 1, Episode 1 (by airdate): The Man Trap--currently available on instant watch on Netflix and available on DVD).
And so, without further ado, I proudly present, for your viewing pleasure, the premier webisode of "The Moxie Pod":
Please leave comments for me on Youtube, follow me, Moxie Magnus, on twitter and friend me on Facebook.
OOH, She was trying to get salty with me, now! LV-426 was still worse.
