Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Don't Panic: Towel Day

Howdy doo crew! Are you ready for Towel Day? Are you putting up a towel tree this year? Are you hiding towel eggs? However you choose to celebrate Towel Day, please remember that Douglas Adams is the reason for the season. So please, let's end this ridiculous war on towel day and just go ahead and do it--what ever it is (I'm not even sure that makes sense, in fact I'm sure it doesn't).

Anyhoo, Douglas Adams brought us countless hours of silliness and laughter and so, without further delay, please to enjoy my tribute to the man who started it all...

Friday, May 11, 2012

Enterprise 101: Lighting

The Enterprise is a very sophisticated lady. She is responsive and efficient. Her communications, life-support, medical facilities and research labs are state of the art. Her photon torpedoes are nothing short of bodacious. She's roomy like a sedan but handles like a sports car.

In addition to being one of the greatest ships in the fleet in terms of function, she's also one of the grooviest space birds to ever cross the void in terms of accommodations. In the series Enterprise 101 I'm going to be looking at special feature of this grand lady, pointing out some facts about her you many not know.

Mood filters enhance crew response

Before the 23rd century interior lighting was only used for illumination. Man was only able to set the mood of a space in the crudest of ways via what was called a dimmer switch. Now, using the latest developments in intelligent lighting or in-lightenment people never have to worry about the effects of harsh, unflattering lighting again.

The Enterprise uses the Garbo 6000 series of in-lightenment systems. Using various sensors (tone of voice detectors, visual receptors, wrinkle reactors, etc.) the Garbo 6000 engine adjusts lights for maximum dramatic effect. In addition to this standard set of sensors, Garbo 6000 can detect minute changes in hormones, neurotransmitters and pheromones.

This innovation allows the system to adjust lights for maximum attractiveness in mixed company, or to change the mood to minimize cattiness in all female settings, or maximize manliness when only the boys are around.

The system is also equipped with intelligent nano particles. These microscopic air-born particles create a gauzy or halo effect when maximum glamor is needed. Finally, the back-light circuit is the most sensitive to date, ensuring a silver-lining for every regulation bouffant on the bridge. No need to worry though.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Common People: Chatting with Kirk

Sorry dears, no new Moxie Pod today. Here's something to keep you busy until next week.

Dear Cosmelog,

Last night I was chatting with Kirk about our days at the academy. He was drinking Saurian Brandy and he started telling me about a woman he used to date. Well, I accidentally recorded the whole thing in music mash-up mode on my com recorder! How embarrassing!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Future Past Tense: Hairdos of Tomorrow from Yesterday #1

A Telerite Beauty Perfectly Portraying a Porcine Princess
Grammar for time travelers can be quite confusing. For instance, future past tense is used when one talks about something one already did at a time that hasn't occurred yet. For instance, if I ate dinner yesterday I use simple past tense. If I then travel backwards in time to the day before yesterday, the meal remains consumed but the mealtime has yet to come. Therefore, to express these ideas clearly I use future past tense. Simple right?

Matt and Meridith
Anyhoo, Grammar is a discussion for another time. I'm borrowing the phrase "future past tense" to expound upon the topic of hairdos of the future as imagined in the media of earth past. On the homeworld, old Earth, people once had access to a thing called the interwebs. These interwebs were much like that thingy we use today to do stuff and whatnot. You know what I'm talking about. The interwebs were made up of many things. On average, use of the interwebs could be broken down as follows: 2% of use to gain new knowledge, 5% of use to advertise mostly using dancing things like babies or women,  3% of use for communication (both business and personal), 11% for entertainment (a full 5% of that was restricted to watching videos of kittens and their precious shenanigans, I think this had something to do with a religious cult of some kind that no longer exists). The remaining 79% was reserved for posting and viewing men and women in varying degrees of undress (mostly full frontal) and engaged in, not just compromising positions, but positions that certainly required countless hours of negotiation. Well, I digress. I happen to have a copy of the "internet" starting with it's birth in the late 20th century to it's eventual demise in the early 22nd. (I keep misplacing it because it's just so small, the size of an old US Earth dime, although you probably don't know what that is seeing as we don't have money anymore)

A Honey with Buns to Prove it
I searched these old interwebs hoping to find lost hair technology or styles. On my journey through the interwebs I discovered that our ancestors loved fictional visions of the future and flowing from those visions were heads of hair with imagined future dos, some of which have come to pass!

So, here I present to you my first installment, hair of the future as imagined in the past: Princess Leia Organa, a honey with the buns to prove it.Apparently, this do was in a film known as Star Wars and became all the rage on Earth.(For more info on Leia and her daughter Padme check out the site Like Mother, Like Daughter)

Mona Leia

Here I offer you proof of the popularity of the double-bun do. Here is a DaVinci original, the Mona Leia (this is what an ancient earth DVD player, a time machine and drunken college pranks will get you, hopefully the timeline wasn't altered too much as a result.

Jennifer Aniston  (an earth princess, equally famous for her hair)

Another wearer of the do was the late twentieth century (and early 21st) girl-next-door, Jennifer Aniston. She was reportedly a friend to all. Aniston is connected with another popular do. Around the turn of the 21st century, the "Rachael" haircut Aniston made popular was forced almost universally upon whole herds of women. Those were bleak years for hair, but somehow mankind survived.

Other wearers of this look include Tina Fey, Meridith Vieira two popular telescreenovision personalities. The final picture here is of  a Telerite beauty who became extraordinarily popular on Earth under the pseudonym, Miss Piggy. (She is also famous for championing inter-species marriage rights)

The look disappered sometime toward the end of the 21st century and is due for a revival. And so we salute you, honeybun hairdo: May the force be with you, hairdo. May the force be with you. (Ah, yes, the hold is strong with this one--especially if you use the head lacquer known as Aquanet)

Tina Fey (aka: Liz Lemon Leia)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Very Special Moxie Pod: Five Year Mission

Dear Manny,

Take that footage from the Five Year Mission episode and throw it together with their reaction video. Can you spice it up a little? It's not much to see--Noah drinking, Chris trying to chew his leg off to get away, Mike with his endless sarcasm, P.J. desperate to get to practice for some other band and Fark--I mean just Fark--do I really have to elaborate on that?

Post this on the blog for me "Oh, Five Year Mission, They're my Favorite!" Maybe in all caps. Search for some really glowing quotes about me--they must have hundreds--and pick the best and post them on the blog too. Use some sort of title like: "What the Band is Saying about Moxie" That way we can push out a webisode this week without actually having to do anything.

Please read this carefully. DO NOT under any circumstances post everything I've written. They must think I ADORE them. Understand?

Give my love to Margaret,


 "A clip show? Is she really doing a clip show already? How does she have enough footage for a clip show? Hey, how'd she get that video of us!"  --Mike Rittenhouse

"Didn't we send her a cease and desist letter? I got a baby on the way, I don't need this. If another person asks me how my husband David Beckham is I'm going to lose it."  --Chris Spurgin

"Who? Oh, that Janice Rand wannabe. She'll never make it. She ain't got the sparkle. Did you see my glass?" --Noah Butler

"I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want."  --P.J. O'Connor

"Here, hold my baby. Sh*t just got real."  --Andy Fark

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Infinite Void of Space

It can get pretty boring on a space ship. The old adage is indeed true: "In space no one can hear you sigh."

For everyday we discover a unicorn dog thing, or a Alpine unicorn gorilla (I just wouldn't want to live in a universe bereft of unicorn creatures), there are at least ten other days where we just stand around with very little to say or do.

Even imagining the unicorn creature we could discover next becomes tedious.

(Psychological test for space madness: If you do not rate this picture above a 4.8 on Hector's Adorability Scale, then space tedium has set in. Without intervention, space madness will follow.)

But somehow we always manage to get through...