Having an Episode: Miri

Stardate: 2713.5

We are orbiting an exact copy of earth. What's with the copies? these last few weeks copies of Captain Kirk have been positively oozing out of the woodwork and now this! (I just hope the earth's double doesn't start forcing itself on female crew member's!) There will be a landing party and I have to, have to, have to be a part of it. If it's an exact copy of earth I should be able to get some decent sushi and a good cup of coffee. I bet we can even find a Korean beauty supply store!

(NOTE: As silly as it may seem, duplicate Earths are not unheard of and are no laughing matter. Infact, the history books tell us of a huge computer that was a replica of the earth. From what I understand, it was designed to answer the question of life, the universe and everything. I believe it was destroyed by Vogons.)

If you look real close the number 42 is everywhere. I wonder why.

I've gotten word that Rand is going to be in the landing party along with Spock, Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Williams and Walker. I'd hoped to be assigned as beauty support but the captain insists that I stay on board. I made Rand promise to keep in touch with me, and to contact me at the first sight of a beauty supply store. I understand taking Williams as security, but Walker. Walker is a loose cannon. I remember being on shore leave with him and a few other crew members a while back. He kept inflating himself in front of the locals by telling them he was Captain Walker. It was "Captain Walker" this and "Captain Walker" that. I'm surprised he didn't get himself in trouble and thrown into the brig!

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The crew is dying to know what's going on on the planet's surface. As usual in these situations, crew members are coming by salonbay with no real beautification needs. They come here for the chat and we are serving it up hot! This comes straight from the bridge: John Farrell came down for a peppermint scalp treatment (he has such beautiful strawberry blond hair but unfortunate recurring battles with dry scalp), and he said that the away team has come in contact with a virus, A VIRUS! My first question was "John, is it an STD?" I just blurted it out. I just couldn't help myself. Kirk does have a healthy libido and sometimes managing these away teams is like chaperoning hormonal teenagers to Panama City, Florida for spring break! John said it was not an STD; it was airborn. Mr Spock doesn't have it but everyone else does. Why, they are positively covered in blue spots from what I gather.

I got a quick message from Rand, too. The planet is devastated or devastating. I couldn't really tell, She couldn't get a good signal. There is or is not a good Korean beauty supply store--or maybe she said a Coridan beauty supply store, and I wouldn't be very interested in that. Those Coridanites make the ugly stick look like a blooming orchid! Honestly, I think the real reason they are miners is because they don't want to show their faces in the light of day. But, I digress. Janice said something about children.
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A Vengan just before space madness kicked in

A little more news has filtered in from the bridge crew. Now, Scotty was here earlier for a trim. He's in command since Kirk and Spock are away. While I was shaving his ear hair I mined him for information. He said the planet is in ruins. There are no adults, only children. Now mind you, he did say the children were 300 years old.

Now, the other thing he told me about is the disease: The inhabitants were trying to slow the rate of aging and they accidentally created this fatal disease. The disease leads to space madness before death. (The same thing happened on Venga IV. Well, almost the same. The Vengans were trying to slow aging with a mutated strain of the botulism bacterium called botasm. At first it worked. Space madness and death followed--oh, and then Zombie-ism.)
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Janice rang me on her communicator. She was very emotional and we had another bad connection. First she cried. Then she said something about her legs that I asked her to repeat a few times but I still didn't get it. And then she got angry and just let fly with a stream of obscenities. I think the space madness might be next.
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The crew is incommunicado and rumors are flying. They are so close to finding a cure. Some people speculate that the children have gone all "Lord of the Flies" on the landing party.
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The landing crew is back! Not a one of them is dead and they are all cured. Even Williams and Walker made it back! Bones tested his antidote on himself and it worked. I joined a large team that beamed down to the surface to help synthesize the vaccine and inoculate the children. We left them some provisions including eight live pigs we had on board. I loved talking to the kids and giving them hope for the future. I fell in love with one little girl in particular. Her name was Entity, I told her that one day, if she worked hard enough, she could be in charge of everything. "Why," I said, "You could be in charge of ... What's the name of this place anyway?" She said that they always called it Bartertown. "One day, you'll rule Bartertown, Entity. You just have to want it enough."

We are leaving the children behind. You know, Kirk isn't very good with kids and I think he really wants to put some space between himself and this little incident. Space Central will send in a team to help them. Hope they do it quickly and don't drag their feet on this. And I hope that the children remember us fondly:

Having an Episode: The Naked Time

Stardate 1704.2

He was having cereal when he died

That Joe Tormolen! He's just the sweetest thing. He went down to Psi 2000 with Spock to pick up the science party that was there. I insisted he review the training film: "Landing Party Safety and You: Keep it Covered, Crewman" (Oddly that brings to mind another training film title "Alien Sex and Your Health: Keep it Covered, Crewman"). I don't think he heard a word I said! He just brushed it off and gave me a little kiss. He said "Will you miss me while I'm gone?" He needs so much reassurance. He's always had such a capacity for self doubt, you know. In fact, that's what I said to Spock just yesterday while we were having lunch together. We were discussing particle physics. The conversation came around to Psi 2000. Spock was telling me about how our orbit may be difficult because of changes in gravity, mass and magnetic field that will occur as the planet degrades. I told him my Joey was going to be in the landing party with him and I said, "Take care of my Joey, Mr. Spock. He's not the brightest phaser in the armory. He's always had such a capacity for self doubt." That's what I said alright. Hopefully they'll be back soon and in one piece. Actually, two pieces since there are two of them. We certainly don't need some kind of transporter malfunction.

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Joe practices for Lady Macbeth 

This just in: SPACE MADNESS! There are rumors flying around the ship that some kind of space madness took over on the surface and that all of those scientists we were going to pick up are dead! I was all ready to meet the hair and makeup needs of those poor ladies and gentlemen who have had to quaff themselves our here at the ass-end of space for so long without the guidance of a trained professional, and now...oh well. Joey dropped by on his way down to lunch. He seemed really agitated. The deaths of the six members of the science party really has him rattled. I guess it doesn't help that I'm always saying that there are a thousand ways to die out here in space. (Which incidentally is the title of another training video "A Thousand Ways to Die in Space: Keep it Covered, Crewman".) He said he'd tell me all the details from the away mission if I'd join him for lunch. Tina was in the dryer and I told him I'd meet him in the rec room as soon as she was done. He can clear up all these rumors. I hope Sulu and Riley can join us. They make such a cute little couple. The way Sulu looks at Riley is so sweet and Riley is just like a little puppy dog. He's been running around fetching plants and flowers for Sulu's little botanical garden. It's just too too!

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"I'll cut you, man"

If only I had gotten to the rec room on time Joe might not have been stabbed with that butter knife! He would be here safe in my arms instead of languishing away in sick bay. How could this happen? I talked to Sulu and Riley about it; they were there. They said they tried to stop him from doing himself in. They tried to take the knife from him but in the kerfuffle Joey was stabbed. Sulu and Riley both looked crestfallen. I don't think there was any foul play, but one thing keeps bothering me: Joey suffered a deep wound from that butter knife, but there was not even the smallest rip in his uniform. Isn't that odd. McCoy says he'll be fine and although I trust McCoy implicitly, he is a doctor, not a fortune teller. I've got a bad feeling about this.

By Vulcan's disappering moon, it's hot in here. I'm feeling a little bit light headed.
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"How you doin'?" 

I went to see Joey in sick bay and Nurse Chapel told me he was dead! DEAD! Zoiks! I can hardly believe it. She said he had just given up the will to live. How can it be? I staggered out of sickbay. I was sweating like a Vulcan in heat and the whole world was spinning. I went back to my quarters just to take a moment to myself. When I woke up the ship seemed to be washed in a fresh new hell.

Sulu's half naked and waving that thing around again

Sulu was running around waving that little pointed thing of his at everyone. It's a wonder he didn't put someones eye out! They've got him down in sickbay now. Riley is singing over the com. Seems like he's locked himself in engineering and declared himself captain. Salon bay is closed, captain's orders, not due to my grief, but anytime we are riding rough in space Starfleet thinks it best to keep sharp objects away from the heads of the crew. Though my skills are legendary, I tend to agree. If this orbit gets any rougher I'm going to have to see McCoy.

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The horrors of the Eugenics Wars

OK. I've had enough. Sure, Riley declaring himself captain is one thing, but announcing that women should wear their hair loosely around their shoulders and not wear much make-up is fanatical fashion fascism! Didn't mankind learn from the Eugenics Wars of the late 1990's that fashion is a flower that must grow free? Did all those fashion operatives have to die in vain? (If you've  read my book Supermen and Supermodels: The Secret Eugenics Wars of the 1990's then you understand the atrocities rained down upon humanity by such luminaries of evil as Khan Noonien Singh, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss.) The world almost fell to the fanatical ideology of Super Modelism. Why, fashion editors did not fight and die to wrestle the industry away from those glamazons who held magazine covers captive just to be spat upon by the likes of Riley. I'll make that sinner repent of his crimes if it's the last thing I do!

Oh my, I'm a little worked up. I think I'll stroll around the ship and see if I can calm my nerves.

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Here we go again

My memory of what happened after my nap is sketchy. I have flashes of Spock in tears and Kirk dragging himself around saying something about "No beach.....to walk...on." Chapel was a little odd too, if I remember correctly. She kept telling me she loved me and that I was her best friend in the whole world (just like she did at last years Kwanza party). I think I may have punched her. The next thing I remember is waking up in sick bay screaming at the top of my lungs. My hair was a mess and when I looked down my hands were red. I had the overwhelming sense that I had killed Lt. Riley! Looking back over my log probably explains why. It turns out that Riley is ok and the red on my hands was just paint. I have no clue where it came from.

He doesn't even need to leave the ship to rip the shirt

I've got to get down to salon bay. The intoxication we've all experienced has taken toll on everyone's hair. No one's beauty regime has remained untouched by this calamity and it's going to take a miracle worker like me to set things straight. The weekend seems farther away than usual and this week is going to be longer than most (about three days longer to be exact). Don't forget to adjust your calendars. (Computer, note that I rolled my eyes heavily at this point, please.)