Five Year Mission: Miri

Miri, Five Year Mission wrote a song about it, like to hear it here it goes:

Alas, Moxie will never have children, but mind you, if she does, they won't be the unruly, two-hundred year old kind. 

The Moxie Pod, Episode 8: Miri

Chief Cosmetologist's Log, Stardate 2717.4:

We are circling a planet that is an exact copy of earth. Exact. Yes, exact. What a coinky-dink! Now, beyond the weird factor this would seem to raise all kinds of existential questions but we obviously have no time for those. I mean, really, the captain is just so pragmatic. This is directly from his log:  "Captain's Log, stardate 2713.5. In the distant reaches of our galaxy, we have made an astonishing discovery. Earth type radio signals coming from a planet which apparently is an exact duplicate of the Earth. It seems impossible, but there it is." Really, Jim: "...but there it is." 

So, we're getting distress signals from a strange copy of earth; what's the logical next step? If you guessed to send our captain, the second in command AND the chief medical officer down to the planet below with the captain's personal yeoman and a minimal security detail, then you guessed right. Did I mention that they took the CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER? I have got to look up protocol on away missions and see if I can figure out policy. 

I hate to say "I told you so" because now, everyone in the landing party has some horrible flesh-eating disease that is just the most awesome shade of blue! At least we are safe here on board--bereft of leadership, excluding Scotty and I of course. Oh well...

. 

Having an Episode: Miri

Stardate: 2713.5

We are orbiting an exact copy of earth. What's with the copies? these last few weeks copies of Captain Kirk have been positively oozing out of the woodwork and now this! (I just hope the earth's double doesn't start forcing itself on female crew member's!) There will be a landing party and I have to, have to, have to be a part of it. If it's an exact copy of earth I should be able to get some decent sushi and a good cup of coffee. I bet we can even find a Korean beauty supply store!

(NOTE: As silly as it may seem, duplicate Earths are not unheard of and are no laughing matter. Infact, the history books tell us of a huge computer that was a replica of the earth. From what I understand, it was designed to answer the question of life, the universe and everything. I believe it was destroyed by Vogons.)

If you look real close the number 42 is everywhere. I wonder why.

I've gotten word that Rand is going to be in the landing party along with Spock, Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Williams and Walker. I'd hoped to be assigned as beauty support but the captain insists that I stay on board. I made Rand promise to keep in touch with me, and to contact me at the first sight of a beauty supply store. I understand taking Williams as security, but Walker. Walker is a loose cannon. I remember being on shore leave with him and a few other crew members a while back. He kept inflating himself in front of the locals by telling them he was Captain Walker. It was "Captain Walker" this and "Captain Walker" that. I'm surprised he didn't get himself in trouble and thrown into the brig!

______________________________

The crew is dying to know what's going on on the planet's surface. As usual in these situations, crew members are coming by salonbay with no real beautification needs. They come here for the chat and we are serving it up hot! This comes straight from the bridge: John Farrell came down for a peppermint scalp treatment (he has such beautiful strawberry blond hair but unfortunate recurring battles with dry scalp), and he said that the away team has come in contact with a virus, A VIRUS! My first question was "John, is it an STD?" I just blurted it out. I just couldn't help myself. Kirk does have a healthy libido and sometimes managing these away teams is like chaperoning hormonal teenagers to Panama City, Florida for spring break! John said it was not an STD; it was airborn. Mr Spock doesn't have it but everyone else does. Why, they are positively covered in blue spots from what I gather.

I got a quick message from Rand, too. The planet is devastated or devastating. I couldn't really tell, She couldn't get a good signal. There is or is not a good Korean beauty supply store--or maybe she said a Coridan beauty supply store, and I wouldn't be very interested in that. Those Coridanites make the ugly stick look like a blooming orchid! Honestly, I think the real reason they are miners is because they don't want to show their faces in the light of day. But, I digress. Janice said something about children.
_____________________________

A Vengan just before space madness kicked in

A little more news has filtered in from the bridge crew. Now, Scotty was here earlier for a trim. He's in command since Kirk and Spock are away. While I was shaving his ear hair I mined him for information. He said the planet is in ruins. There are no adults, only children. Now mind you, he did say the children were 300 years old.

Now, the other thing he told me about is the disease: The inhabitants were trying to slow the rate of aging and they accidentally created this fatal disease. The disease leads to space madness before death. (The same thing happened on Venga IV. Well, almost the same. The Vengans were trying to slow aging with a mutated strain of the botulism bacterium called botasm. At first it worked. Space madness and death followed--oh, and then Zombie-ism.)
_______________________________

Janice rang me on her communicator. She was very emotional and we had another bad connection. First she cried. Then she said something about her legs that I asked her to repeat a few times but I still didn't get it. And then she got angry and just let fly with a stream of obscenities. I think the space madness might be next.
 _______________________________

The crew is incommunicado and rumors are flying. They are so close to finding a cure. Some people speculate that the children have gone all "Lord of the Flies" on the landing party.
________________________________

The landing crew is back! Not a one of them is dead and they are all cured. Even Williams and Walker made it back! Bones tested his antidote on himself and it worked. I joined a large team that beamed down to the surface to help synthesize the vaccine and inoculate the children. We left them some provisions including eight live pigs we had on board. I loved talking to the kids and giving them hope for the future. I fell in love with one little girl in particular. Her name was Entity, I told her that one day, if she worked hard enough, she could be in charge of everything. "Why," I said, "You could be in charge of ... What's the name of this place anyway?" She said that they always called it Bartertown. "One day, you'll rule Bartertown, Entity. You just have to want it enough."

We are leaving the children behind. You know, Kirk isn't very good with kids and I think he really wants to put some space between himself and this little incident. Space Central will send in a team to help them. Hope they do it quickly and don't drag their feet on this. And I hope that the children remember us fondly:

Spin Me Round

"Thank you for calling. Please listen to our new troubleshooting menu as it may have changed since the last time you called..."

"If you checked and the tray isn't jammed press 1. Does it have enough toner? If you checked the toner then please press 2. OK, Now look on the other side, where you placed the blank android, did you insert it correctly. It should be facing the opposite direction of the original. If the blank android is inserted correctly, please press 3. Now, Do you have two people manning the console? If you have...."--Fuji Xerox help line

"I'm sorry, we cannot send out a repairman. All of our repairmen were murdered by androids. Please stay on the line and the next available operator will assist you."

The Moxie Pod, Episode 7: What are Little Girls Made of?

Well, you simply can't walk down a corridor on this ship without running into yourself. And I'd bet my money that what you've run into is an evil twin. Why just this week there was an almost perfect android replica of the captain. In space, evil twins are as numerous as the stars (which, technically, makes them something other than evil twins but I'll leave that one to the philosophers and scientists!)

Anyhoo, What is an evil twin and how do you spot them? Well, here's yours truly laying down the truth on twins of the evil variety.

Where is my head? I did leave out one important way to recognize an evil twin: Evil British accent. Other accents are, of course, possible, but an evil British one is always a dead give away.

Now, it's very important that you keep up on all current information concerning the identification of evil twins. Here's a little article you should read called "How to Spot Your Evil Twin". If you like that, you should rush out and by this little booky: Everything Explained Through Flowcharts by Doogie Horner. The book explains everything, including the Klingon Afterlife--no kidding.

Having an Episode: What are Little Girls Made of

Christine Chapel: Set Phaser to Stunning!

Christine Chapel just left here on the way to the bridge and boy does she look stunning. I pulled out all the stops for this one. She's got a soft side-bumped blond do with loose flipped curls. I personally chose her lipstick: Regulation Starfleet coral #15. Why, you may ask, does she need to look so stunning? Well, she's been OK-ed for the landing crew for Exo III, and she's convinced, convinced that we are going to find her fiance, Roger, alive on the planets surface, in spite of the fact that it's been five years since anyone has heard from him. I don't think he could survive the cold of Exo III. The planet is cold. I mean COLD. This is not witch's tit in a brass bra territory. This is a dead witch's tit in a dry ice bra in a beer cooler in the frozen void of intersteller space on a winter's midnight kind of cold. And that, my friends, is hard to survive even with the fire of love burning strong in your breast. But I digress.

Chapel actually gave up a career in bio research to join the crew of a star ship. And she joined the crew of a star ship on the off chance that it would one day pass by Exo III and she could swoop in and find Roger Korby, her long lost fiance, on her own. How romantic! That poor doll is in for a terrible surprise as I'm sure Korby is long dead.

Everyone knows who Dr. Robert Korby is. He single-handedly threw lab assistant after lab assistant under the bus to climb to the top of the field of  immunology as we know it today. He's the reason why we all don't die from the Andorian airborn clap or space-madness delirium flu. (Unfortuantely the success of his methods has made many individuals, such as my dear departed Joe Tormolen (see post: The Naked Time) oblivious to space contagion.) 

My Marcus Matthews

So, Korby has not been found by two rescue missions. There has been no contact from Korby for five years. However, Chapel believes he is still alive and ready to get married. Ain't love grand! He's either dead or he has cold feet (and if the latter is true, as stated before, these aren't your garden variety cold feet.) On top of that, when everyone was crazy drunk on water a few weeks ago she flat out told Spock she's been carrying a torch for him. Well, ain't love grand! Now honey, It's not for Moxie to judge. I just make 'em beautiful and send them on their merry way so that's what I've done. I also told her to report back here as soon as possible to let me know if we have a double wedding in our future! You see, Marcus Matthews has asked me to marry him!
 _______________________________________________________________________

Bizarre Love Triangle

Well, I'll be a mugato's mama! Korby is alive. Yes! Alive! I can't believe I doubted Chapel. (Well, actually I can, the odds were very much not in her favor, but this just proves that true love conquers all!) I spoke to Marcus, my fiance. He stopped by on his way down to the transporter room. He and Rayburn are on security standby for the landing party. It seems that Korby wants Kirk and Chapel to beam down alone, so I think the security team will just spend the afternoon waiting around for nothing. Ah, Moxie Magnus Matthews, that has a nice ring to it: Mr. and Mrs. Marcus and Moxie Matthews!  I teased him, saying "Why, Marcus Matthews, why should I marry you. You don't love me one bit." and he said "Now, Moxie. My love for you is bottomless. I don't think I'll ever stop falling for you." He looked so handsome in his red shirt with his silver hair.
______________________________

Turns out that Marcus and Rayburn have just been called down to the surface after all. Surely, nothing could go wrong. 
______________________________________________________

Goodbye Marcus Matthews

Well Christine and Kirk have returned alone. My Marcus, it seems, fell to his death in a bottomless pit, leaving no worldly remains to blast out into space. Needless to say, my heart, once again, is shattered. Marcus Matthews, rest in peace. Looks like I'll be back on the old grief meds.

I needed to take my mind off of my own sorrowful life so I sat Christine down in that salon chair and I said. "Christine Chapel, we are going to have a grief-fueled beautification session and you are going to tell me everything that happened." I just wouldn't take no for an answer. And here's what she told me...

Cross Your Abs Bra

Well, they beamed down just at the entrance to some underground cave system. Nobody was there so Kirk naturally asked for security to beam down. He told Rayburn to stay at the entrance and Marcus, my Marcus, to come with him and Chapel. Well, Chapel almost fell in a pit, but they found Browny. Now, I don't know who this Browny is because Chapel had started to weep by this point in the story and I was just teasing away at her hair, teasing away and choking back my tears. She said Browny didn't seem to recognize her, but he always was a rather cold fish anyway to which I said some people just are. This seemed to calm her down a bit. She said that was when they lost Matthews, when my Marcus fell into the pit. I said I didn't want to know any more about that. I told her we were going to plow forward with her story.

Sex-spenders

I composed myself and she was saying something about Korby living underground all this time with some auburn haired floozy named Andrea. I insisted she tell me how this Andrea looked. What was she wearing? Well, she said she was wearing some kind of crazy blue and green cross your heart suspendered jumpsuit with no blouse. It sounded fabulous in spite of my breaking heart. I didn't ask Christine more about Andrea as she had turned green with jealousy.

She said about that time Korby came in and they kissed. She started weeping again saying she should have known then. She just kept saying she should have known. It seems Korby wouldn't let them contact the ship. Then I got a little lost. Browny, whoever the hell he was, got shot and he turned out to be some kind of robot. Then this giant named Ruk came in and he was wearing this padded grey cloak with a popped collar and a gorgeous pink floral blouse. Then, Andrea took Christine away and I just couldn't follow anything she said at this point she was crying so hard. I did get that Andrea was an android and possibly some kind of pleasure bot.

Naked Spinning Kirks

Then Christine said something about a copy machine merry-go-round type thing. Korby made an android copy of Kirk. Well, I just kind of stopped listening at this point. We'd just come off that evil transporter copy of Kirk a few weeks ago and my nerves just couldn't take it. I focused on her hair. I kept teasing and started phase-krimping. I knew where she was going with all of this so I blurted out: "So, your fiance was a robot." Well, you would have thought I just killed a puppy the way she looked at me, but she did stop crying, for a minute.

Kirk and His Rock

Christine paused and blew her nose. She started back with her story, and I kept asking questions, but I was just on auto pilot. I have no idea what she said. I just continued working on her hair and started right into her makeup. I guess I did overdo it just a bit. Long story short, everybody got killed except Christine and Kirk and they made it back to the ship. And yes, Roger was a robot in some tawdry robot sex triangle with Ruk and Andrea. I still don't know who Browny was or why the caves were just littered with penis-shaped rock formations. Anyhoo, by the end of that story I had over made that make over, dialed it right up to a full eleven! Well, the only thing left for me to do was escort Chapel down to sick bay, where it was grief meds all around!

Christine Chapel after Her Grief-Fueled Makeover

....

The Moxie Pod, Interlude 4: Outlantacon

Howdy-do Crew! I'm going to Outlantacon, the LGBT geek fest that will be in Atlanta, Georgia (Earth, mind you, not Alpha Centauri), May 4-6! You should definitely check out there web site and join me for all the fun!

Now, crew, I did make this little announcement about the guest who will be attending Outlantacon. If you missed the live broadcast, then feel free to watch it here, BUT I remind you that this is an internal memo--only for Enterprise crew. We definitely don't want any of the guests from the con to see this. I would hate for any of those poor dears to know the horror that await them.

I simply cannot wait. Oh, and I guess I don't have to! Since we are going to time travel there anyway, why don't we just leave now?

Sexual Harassment Seminar

ATTN: Enterprise Bridge Personnel

I want to remind you that we do have an HR representative from Starfleet Headquarters for our mandatory sexual harassment training seminar. This year our presenter will be Candy Peaks (Last years HR rep, Fanny Sanchez gave us a rather unfortunate rating and vowed never to return to our ship, remember? Thankfully, I'm not sure anyone at Starfleet even pays attention to those ratings.) Now I'm not exactly sure if this is a "recognizing and avoiding" or a "general how-to" meeting so be prepared for either.

So, I know you are thinking "With the sexual mores of the 23rd century, Why should I be concerned about sexual harassment?" And you might have a point. HOWEVER, the United Federation of Planets constitution states that all Starfleet personnel must have, and I quote, "...sexual harassment training, occupational saftey training, first aid and phaser safety training once every star-year." We had phaser safety training in the star-spring (donations for Security Officer Harrison's widow are still being accepted). And now that it's star-summer we are due for sexual harassment training.

Last year we were boarded by the lovely Fanny Sanchez who presented our sexual harassment seminar. She gave a gripping presentation, enumerating her points stroke by stroke until all of her knowledge had spilled out upon us. That Fanny sure does know how to spread information. Now, I did comment that some of the officers on the bridge slept through the seminar. I will not name names. I know it followed poker night but that is inexcusable. Everyone denied napping but I do have photographic evidence:  

Some people were caught sleeping at last years sexual harassment seminar

I know training seminars can be boring, but, once again, "mandatory" means that everyone must attend. Let me repeat that EVERYONE MUST ATTEND (Jimmy Kirk, this means you). Please set an example for the rest of the crew. The presentation for bridge personnel will be on Friday at 8:00 am. If you miss this seminar, you MUST sign up for another scheduled crew seminar. The signup sheets are posted in Rec Room 6. If you miss the seminar altogether you will NOT be eligible for promotions or shore leave (which, as I have been repeatedly promised, should be any day now--I'm looking at you again James).

Intoxicating Beauty: Profile of Venus Drug

Gentler reader, 

As recorded in my log, I recently discovered the illegal use of the Venus drug right here aboard the Enterprise! This drug is a menace to society and an affront to all hardworking artisans of beauty , such as myself. In our daily fight against the forces of ugliness we must avoid the easy route and help those less gifted and weaker than ourselves. Here is some information I would like to pass along to educate you about the Venus drug, its detection and use. 

Thanks Everso,
MAM

Common Name: Venus Drug

Overview: Venus Drug (sowearpursine) is a type of passive psionic hallucinogen mostly used as a performance enhancer or recreational makeover drug.

Using both hands improves effects

Other Names: Ishtar ice, Aphrodite red, Cupid crack or crank, Helen of Troy (HT), pop rock (pop being short for popular as well as refering to the way one takes it by mouth), red beauty, crystal looks, beefcake (when marketed to males), makeover pill, and Hoboken hog whistle.

Method of Delivery: Orally, by throwing to the back of the mouth; most effective when the mouth is covered by both hands. The drug enters the system almost immediately producing instant changes in appearance. These changes are accompanied by the perception of chiming xylophones. 

Human Female tripping on Venus and tripping off Venus

Primary Effect: Acts on the pre-frontal cortex causing it to emit passive psionic energy that causes others to view the emitter as profoundly beautiful. In addition, the drug actually causes instantaneous molecular changes in the hair of the taker, causing hairs to line up and smooth out, no matter how frizzy. The drug also creates the illusion that the taker is wearing lipstick, eye makeup and false eyelashes. the hair of the person taking the drug also begins to emit very low level radiation, giving them a gauzy appearance when viewed close up.

Human male on the Venus drug

Side Effects: the taker of the drug has compulsive desire to raise arms (as demonstrated in the picture of the male above), stroke themselves and believe they can fly, often leading them to jump through windows of multistory buildings. Anxiety and panic can occur with ingestion. When females take the drug it causes arousal response in the opposite sex and a desire to befriend the taker in the same sex. The psionic waves produced by the drug in the female body causes cattiness among females in their presence. Women suffer from feelings of inadequacy when near other women who are high on the drug. When taken by males it causes arousal in both the same and opposite sexes (proving that men are, indeed, just dogs.)

Vulcan/Romulan hybrid on the Venus drug

Long Term Effects: The big head, beauty fatigue, weight gain.

 Sign of overdose: arms locked upright

Signs of overdose: Apathy, glowing skin, radiation poisoning (to those around you), arms stuck overhead, development of a third eye, irreparable liver damage, poor career choices, dancing with the stars.

Source: The drug has two distinct sources. The psionic mushrooms of Delta IV and the toothed snapping glow fungus of Orion. Both are meat eating fungi that attract their prey by radiating extreme beauty.

Typical users: Venus is often used as a performance enhancement drug for bodybuilding and has been found in use on beauty pageant circuits in children as young as three. The United Federation of Planets (UFP) has required drug testing for all licensed pageants since the Little Miss UFP scandal of 2254. The drug also has widespread recreational use especially among teens and the chronically ugly. Venus is used legally as a fertility drug, mostly on the planet Tellar, where natives are so ugly they defy the laws of natural selection by their very survival.

Venus: unethical performance enhancer in children

History: These fungi are highly toxic in the systems of the sentient beings (the Deltans and the Orions) of the planets they originate from and even if they were not the natives would have little use for them because they themselves have similar qualities of attraction. At some point, aliens to Delta IV (probably the teenage children of diplomats) discovered the hallucinogenic qualities of these fungi. The Orion syndicate began producing and selling the drug, insisting that it be made illegal to drive up the price.

Treatment: Occasional use of the drug does not appear to create dependency. However, long term use does and requires a period of detoxification, usually experienced as disastrous media interviews. Those addicted to the drug often need countless hours of therapy with both stylists and makeup artists.

For more information read: Beauty Junkie: My Life on the Pageant Circuit by Tammy Fescue or Sugar Pill Your Way to Gorgeous! by Dr. Yevette Chaparral.

 Horny vs. Catty

Happy First Contact Day!

April 5th is everyone's favorite, First Contact Day. That's the day 51 years from now when we make first acquaintance with alien life, that's the day the Vulcan's drop in to say howdy-doo. To celebrate the day I'm posting the little address Jimmy asked me to give to the crew.

The Moxie Pod, Episode 6: Mudd's Women

Mz. Magnus is back and this time she is just saying NO! Yes, that's right. Many of us need a boost to out beauty, not me of course, but many of us. Now, you may be tempted to use the Venus drug, but before you do, listen to this little PSA...

Five Year Mission: Mudd's Women

Do you remember our dear friends Ruth, June and Anita--no wait those are the names of the Pointer Sisters. Let's see, there was definitely a Ruth. Hmmm, Magda was the lovely accented one in the purple knit fringe. And what was that other one? Oh, Eve, how could I forget Eve? After all, she was the one who really learned a lesson in the end. They were those shining stars that Harry Mudd brought on board a while back, remember? The ones that drove the men wild and made all the woman want to be their best friends?

The Pointer Sisters obviously don't need the Venus drug

Mudd's women obviously anxious about beauty

And do you also remember that wonderful little band I told you about, Five Year Mission? You know, those innocent boys who were at the heart of that malicious salt vampire rumor that has yet been put to rest. Certainly if they were salt vampires they would have been exposed by now. In reality, they are just wonderful fellows and they are doing quite well with their musical venture. Why just last week I was on Vulcan when those boys arrived for a late night talkshow appearance. They arrived by shuttle and you wouldn't believe the throngs of silent, well-mannered Vulcan teens who arrived to catch a glipse of boys the press there calls the "fascinating five". I have never before witnessed emotional restraint of that magnitude before. Why the air was positively filled with silence. The tension was palpable. I half expected pon farr just to explode planet wide. To their credit the young Vulcan fans just stared, all with one eyebrow raised in unison. As always on Vulcan, logic prevails. Why you wouldn't recognize the T'Walmart during the holidays! When the doors open on Black Friday they file in without trampling a soul. It's positively eerie! But I digress.

The Fascinating Five should take a lesson from the Pointer Sisters: Bigger Hair More Sequins

Anyhoo, these young songsters have recorded a song about those three Venus-drug addled beauties. I wanted to share the video here with you not only to promote the boys, but also to remind you to just say no to beauty enhancing substance abuse!

Please be sure to check out FIVE YEAR MISSION. and keep your eyes on my blog for an upcoming chance to win a copy of their first CD: YEAR ONE. (Their second CD: is due out in December, and you can preorder your copy from their website! You can also buy Year One on their website or download it from iTunes or Amazon.)

Having an Episode: Mudd's Women

These ladies don't need no heat lamps!

1329.8

Venus drugs makes other women catty.

There seem to be a few problems with the uniforms. First of all the insignia keep appearing and disappearing. I don't know what that's about. Also, every time they are washed they shrink. Uhura's skirt is now practically a belt! She, of course, came to me with the problem. I said, "Dammit Uhura, I'm a cosmetologist, not a laundromat!" She knows they listen to me down in the ships laundry, so what's a girl to do? I went down there before her shift and made them give her a command uniform until we can get her another red one. She was so grateful I thought she would burst into song. Thank the Great Bird of the Galaxy she didn't!

Something's going on. The power keeps flashing on and off. I can't put anyone under the photon driers for fear of a short. in addition to that there seems to be a trombone player on board.
__________________________________________________

Stardate 1329.1 (that can't be right can it? Stardates are so confusing to me!)

Harry Mudd

We have guests on board! (I'm not sure if they brought the trombone or not.) There is an Irish gentleman and three incredibly beautiful women. Dear cosmelog, you would not believe what they are wearing! One of them has a asymmetrical periwinkle mini cut at a rake. One side is off the shoulder and the other has a long bell sleeve. The hem of the dress and sleeve have fringe! FRINGE!  Don't you just want to die! The other two are wearing longer numbers. One in fern green with a high neck and a diagonal cutout running from shoulder to ribcage, taking the scenic route of the cleavage.
The skirt part of the dress looks like a bit of an asymmetrical wrap. The other in cerise, with a plunging sweetheart neckline and an empire cut. (however, it looks like the empire has been torn assunder: Slit from ankle to hip.
The fabric of the dresses is definitely the shimmery silk of the giant genetically engineered sequin worms of Andor. All of them look like they just stepped off the runways of Alpha Centuri and I swear these gowns are copies of dresses I just saw in last months Venusian Vogue!

Modified Judy Jetson, Cher, babydoll space pixie with a bump

Their hair is gorgeous!  The cuts and styles are perfect! Periwinkle and cerise are both platinum blondes, Periwinkle has what we call a babydoll space pixie with a bump. Cerise has a modified Judy Jetson comb over, bumped and laid to the side. Fern green has a traditional earth Cher. Their hair has the sheen of stainless steel on a bright summer day. Their beauty boarders on painful--full body cast, no morphine, painful . I want to be their best friend but I can't help thinking: I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!

____________________________

Stardate 1329.2

The captain wanted me in the hearing for the Irish gentleman, but I just couldn't go. I said that I would attend via com, but that I had to stay in Salonbay because all hands are needed, what with the power problems and all. (I keep telling engineering to use dilitium, DI-lithium, not lithium. Duh! It's so much more stable but they think I don't know anything. Now were in a real fix and almost powerless. humpf!) Being around those women is just too much! I don't think I could sit in there without bursting into tears. I just want so badly to be there best friend and to keep all the other girls away from them. I told Uhura she had an asteroid belt of pimples forming and she's barely come out of her quarters. I mentioned to Chapel that we could cover her greys but we might need a longer appointment. And Janice-Janice!-I said "Are you ok? You look so tired, today. Let's hydrate that skin until you can get some good sleep." She's been in bed ever since!

These new women, it turns out, are com ordered brides. I just want to be their friend.

__________________________________________

Stardate 1330.1

Magda Kovacs, BFF

Magda Kovacs came to the Salon to see me. She's periwinkle mini space pixie with a bump. I tried to act cool but all I wanted was to be her best friend. I want to be just like her. She's so pretty. She smells like martian roses. All other girls are pitiful Saturnius harem girls next to her. *sigh*. Anyhoo, I asked her what I could do for her and she said she was wondering where she might get a communicator. I gave her mine and asked if maybe we could hang out later, paint each others nails and talk about boys. She said she'd think about it. I told her I'd get another communicator and we could text. I didn't realize until after she left that the beauty monitors in salon bay had gone haywire! I need to find a piece of paper. I have an overwhelming desire to write Magda Kovacs' name over and over again. (and maybe add BFFs and LYLASs.)

________________________________________________________

Kirk, Spock, Mudd and those beautiful ladies have beamed down to Rigel XII. I hated to see them go but my head does seem to be a bit clearer with them off the ship. There is certainly something fishy about those women. They are just so blindingly beautiful. Where have I heard that before?

Before

Before (There--Are--Two--Lights!!!)

After (arm raising side effect)

After (self-stroking side effect)

Eureka! I've got it! "blindingly beautiful" that's the key. It triggered the memory I needed to solve this mystery--the women are hopped up on the Venus drug. You see first year Starfleet cosmetology students have to watch a lot of training films. One of the minor films is "Blindingly Beautiful: The Deadly Venus Drug". As a cosmetologist I should be the first line of defense against intrusion by Venus drugged vixen (and of course men).

Venus Drug, AKA Ishtar Ice, Aphrodite Red, Cupid Crack

You see, the Venus drug acts on the pre-frontal cortex causing it to emit psionic energy that causes others to view the emitter as profoundly beautiful. In addition, the drug actually causes instantaneous molecular changes in the hair of the taker, causing hairs to line up and smooth out, no matter how frizzy.
The hairs actually begin to emit low levels of light, causing the taker of the drug to appear gauzy when viewed close-up.

The proper way to take Venus Drug

In addition, the eyelashes darken and take the appearance of a perfectly placed false eyelashes. Side effects of the drug include a desire to raise your arms above your head, compulsive body stroking and in some, the drug causes panic disorder: for instance, the user may bolt from a party into a deadly dust storm or something hypothetical like that. (To take the drug effectively you should throw the drug to the back of the mouth preferably with both hands and pause for it to take effect.) People who are on the Venus drug often go crazy and jump out windows of tall buildings thinking they can fly. I've got to report these findings to the captain and McCoy.
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The captain is back on the ship. I told him all I know about the Venus drug and boy was he mad at Mudd. It seems that the side effects got Eva; she's on a bad beauty trip. She bolted and now they are using all of our power to try and find her. Thank the gods there are no tall buildings on Rigel XII.

Hideous!

Beautiful!

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Phew! We got the crystals. We're dropping Mudd off  at the closest Federation outpost where he'll probably be tried and locked up. They found Eva and she is going to stay with one of the miners (as are Magda and Ruth) Turns out they are very desperate women, willing to marry just about anyone. The tension they brought upon the ship has been lifted. The men are less horny and the women less catty. Things have returned to normal. There is a moral to be learned here, a very important moral: You don't have to be on drugs to be beautiful. You just have to think you're on drugs to be beautiful. Remember that one ladies.

A male on Venus and after the effects wear off