Monday, April 16, 2012

Having an Episode: What are Little Girls Made of

Christine Chapel: Set Phaser to Stunning!
Christine Chapel just left here on the way to the bridge and boy does she look stunning. I pulled out all the stops for this one. She's got a soft side-bumped blond do with loose flipped curls. I personally chose her lipstick: Regulation Starfleet coral #15. Why, you may ask, does she need to look so stunning? Well, she's been OK-ed for the landing crew for Exo III, and she's convinced, convinced that we are going to find her fiance, Roger, alive on the planets surface, in spite of the fact that it's been five years since anyone has heard from him. I don't think he could survive the cold of Exo III. The planet is cold. I mean COLD. This is not witch's tit in a brass bra territory. This is a dead witch's tit in a dry ice bra in a beer cooler in the frozen void of intersteller space on a winter's midnight kind of cold. And that, my friends, is hard to survive even with the fire of love burning strong in your breast. But I digress.

Chapel actually gave up a career in bio research to join the crew of a star ship. And she joined the crew of a star ship on the off chance that it would one day pass by Exo III and she could swoop in and find Roger Korby, her long lost fiance, on her own. How romantic! That poor doll is in for a terrible surprise as I'm sure Korby is long dead.

Everyone knows who Dr. Robert Korby is. He single-handedly threw lab assistant after lab assistant under the bus to climb to the top of the field of  immunology as we know it today. He's the reason why we all don't die from the Andorian airborn clap or space-madness delirium flu. (Unfortuantely the success of his methods has made many individuals, such as my dear departed Joe Tormolen (see post: The Naked Time) oblivious to space contagion.) 

My Marcus Matthews
So, Korby has not been found by two rescue missions. There has been no contact from Korby for five years. However, Chapel believes he is still alive and ready to get married. Ain't love grand! He's either dead or he has cold feet (and if the latter is true, as stated before, these aren't your garden variety cold feet.) On top of that, when everyone was crazy drunk on water a few weeks ago she flat out told Spock she's been carrying a torch for him. Well, ain't love grand! Now honey, It's not for Moxie to judge. I just make 'em beautiful and send them on their merry way so that's what I've done. I also told her to report back here as soon as possible to let me know if we have a double wedding in our future! You see, Marcus Matthews has asked me to marry him!

Bizarre Love Triangle
Well, I'll be a mugato's mama! Korby is alive. Yes! Alive! I can't believe I doubted Chapel. (Well, actually I can, the odds were very much not in her favor, but this just proves that true love conquers all!) I spoke to Marcus, my fiance. He stopped by on his way down to the transporter room. He and Rayburn are on security standby for the landing party. It seems that Korby wants Kirk and Chapel to beam down alone, so I think the security team will just spend the afternoon waiting around for nothing. Ah, Moxie Magnus Matthews, that has a nice ring to it: Mr. and Mrs. Marcus and Moxie Matthews!  I teased him, saying "Why, Marcus Matthews, why should I marry you. You don't love me one bit." and he said "Now, Moxie. My love for you is bottomless. I don't think I'll ever stop falling for you." He looked so handsome in his red shirt with his silver hair.

Turns out that Marcus and Rayburn have just been called down to the surface after all. Surely, nothing could go wrong. 

Goodbye Marcus Matthews
Well Christine and Kirk have returned alone. My Marcus, it seems, fell to his death in a bottomless pit, leaving no worldly remains to blast out into space. Needless to say, my heart, once again, is shattered. Marcus Matthews, rest in peace. Looks like I'll be back on the old grief meds.

I needed to take my mind off of my own sorrowful life so I sat Christine down in that salon chair and I said. "Christine Chapel, we are going to have a grief-fueled beautification session and you are going to tell me everything that happened." I just wouldn't take no for an answer. And here's what she told me...

Cross Your Abs Bra
Well, they beamed down just at the entrance to some underground cave system. Nobody was there so Kirk naturally asked for security to beam down. He told Rayburn to stay at the entrance and Marcus, my Marcus, to come with him and Chapel. Well, Chapel almost fell in a pit, but they found Browny. Now, I don't know who this Browny is because Chapel had started to weep by this point in the story and I was just teasing away at her hair, teasing away and choking back my tears. She said Browny didn't seem to recognize her, but he always was a rather cold fish anyway to which I said some people just are. This seemed to calm her down a bit. She said that was when they lost Matthews, when my Marcus fell into the pit. I said I didn't want to know any more about that. I told her we were going to plow forward with her story.


I composed myself and she was saying something about Korby living underground all this time with some auburn haired floozy named Andrea. I insisted she tell me how this Andrea looked. What was she wearing? Well, she said she was wearing some kind of crazy blue and green cross your heart suspendered jumpsuit with no blouse. It sounded fabulous in spite of my breaking heart. I didn't ask Christine more about Andrea as she had turned green with jealousy.

She said about that time Korby came in and they kissed. She started weeping again saying she should have known then. She just kept saying she should have known. It seems Korby wouldn't let them contact the ship. Then I got a little lost. Browny, whoever the hell he was, got shot and he turned out to be some kind of robot. Then this giant named Ruk came in and he was wearing this padded grey cloak with a popped collar and a gorgeous pink floral blouse. Then, Andrea took Christine away and I just couldn't follow anything she said at this point she was crying so hard. I did get that Andrea was an android and possibly some kind of pleasure bot.

Naked Spinning Kirks
Then Christine said something about a copy machine merry-go-round type thing. Korby made an android copy of Kirk. Well, I just kind of stopped listening at this point. We'd just come off that evil transporter copy of Kirk a few weeks ago and my nerves just couldn't take it. I focused on her hair. I kept teasing and started phase-krimping. I knew where she was going with all of this so I blurted out: "So, your fiance was a robot." Well, you would have thought I just killed a puppy the way she looked at me, but she did stop crying, for a minute.

Kirk and His Rock

Christine paused and blew her nose. She started back with her story, and I kept asking questions, but I was just on auto pilot. I have no idea what she said. I just continued working on her hair and started right into her makeup. I guess I did overdo it just a bit. Long story short, everybody got killed except Christine and Kirk and they made it back to the ship. And yes, Roger was a robot in some tawdry robot sex triangle with Ruk and Andrea. I still don't know who Browny was or why the caves were just littered with penis-shaped rock formations. Anyhoo, by the end of that story I had over made that make over, dialed it right up to a full eleven! Well, the only thing left for me to do was escort Chapel down to sick bay, where it was grief meds all around!

Christine Chapel after Her Grief-Fueled Makeover

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