Thursday, September 6, 2012

Moxie Magnus and the Bigot Sandwiches from Outer Space

Barbarella can't have ALL the fun!

Moxie Pod: Fried Chicken Bigots, Cock-a-doodle-damn!

There's a new Moxie Pod webisode out this morning! All two of my fans will want to watch.

A few weeks ago, we sling-shatted back to the 21st century. The crew was confused by transmissions that we picked up about gay marriage and fried chicken. I, of course, did my best to clarify the whole situation for everyone. Maybe this will help you understand the situation too.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Moxie Pod, Episode 9: Dagger of the Mind

Howdy doo crew! This is what you've been waiting for: a brand new episode! Sorry it's so short, but trust me, it's sweet! (MLMP) I've been having trouble with computers lately--they are just so full of sass sometimes as you well know. Anyhoo...

This episode is just chock full of learning and yes I will learn you real good! What's here to learn you may ask? Well, do you know that the words "penal" and "penology" have nothing to do with men's no-no sticks? Did you know that tuna and Vulcan telepathy have almost nothing in common? Did you know that I dated a Vulcan attache'? Sit back, put your thinking cap on, and open your mind hole for learning cause here it comes....

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Forth of July

We just celebrated the forth of July. I've been so busy trying to get my tech problems worked out, not to mention Rand's new space weave, why I completely miss posting this.

I'm not sure the origin of this holiday but it has something to do with tea and chopping down cherry trees. Please to enjoy.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Having an Episode: Dagger of the Mind

Tantalus V: Penal Colony Entrance
Dear Cosmetology Log:

We stopped by the Tantalus Penal Colony to drop off some cargo including large bottles of prescription drugs. We beamed up a box and guess what, there was a stowaway in it. Now they've got him down in sickbay and we've had to turn around to take him back. Seems he's as mad as a hatter. Now it turns out that he's not an inmate, he's a doctor assigned to the colony.  Well, Bones thinks something fishy is going on so now we're going to have to hang around this rock until Kirk can go down and check things out.

Targ's Nest
Dr. Helen Noel is joining Kirk in the away team. She came by for a quick up do. I couldn't do her hair myself  and one of the new girls did it. My gods! When she left here she looked like she still was still in curlers. There was one lock of hair that just flopped at the side like Spanish moss. It was supposed to be avant garde but it looked more like something that fell out of the back of the cavalry. Poor thing. Anyhoo, I dabbed a bit of makeup on her eyes, slapped some color on her lips before she ran off to the transporter room. I should not have let her out of here looking like that. Why the true form of a salt vampire has more allure! I sat that new girl down and really gave her a once over. Dr. Noel really needed to look her best especially after what happened at the science lab Christmas party last year. She's a goofy easily swayed, doe-eyed girl. Frankly, I'm not sure how she got to be a psychiatrist. But I digress. 

Dr. Adams + Dr. Noel (Targ's Nest)
So, there is a crazy man on board and it now seems that he is accusing Dr. Tristan Adams of making him that way.
Targ's Nest + Prison Kaftan
Now, everyone will tell you that Dr. Adams has single-handedly changed the face of modern penology (and no, that has nothing to do with what you're thinking about, so stop it). I beg to differ. I worked with him for a few years back when I was a fashion model/designer. He was redesigning prison systems on earth and he brought together the brightest young minds of the time to work with him. Naturally, I was there to completely overhaul prison uniforms. The uniforms of the prisoners on the Tantalus Colony are the exact one's I designed so many years ago. They are a bit out of fashion now, but they are classic. The women wear prison regulation Kaftans with vibrant prints. The men wear nice, soft, cotton pajamas. After all, if you are comfortable you are less likely to resort to violence. Anyhoo, Adams brought many people together and then made everything look like his ideas that were executed by others. He has no interest in making the lives of prisoners better or in helping reform others. He simply wants to look like he does. I must say, I honestly think he is a turd. And no, I don't use that term lightly. He did design the logo for his organization though: a hand sweltering in the heat, crushing a dove.


I went by sickbay to see if there was anything I could do to help out. Maybe give Van Gelder a trim or manicure. He's been horribly neglected in those areas. Even a man in a cage needs dignity and the first step on that road is proper grooming. Alas, he has slipped beyond even my reach. His nails are ragged and his grey hair has been left to mother nature to color and style (and although she does somethings well, hair is not among them). Even with proper grooming I fear his mind is beyond repair. Spock's going to slip in there and have a looky-loo. He was going on and on with McCoy about how mind melding is a personal thing for Vulcans. I think he's just trying to make excuses. For someone so logical, Spock can be a real drama queen. And honey, believe me, I understand. There are folks who come in salonbay that I don't want to put my fingers on either but they need help, and beauty is my business. Anyhoo, I digress.

I do know a bit about the Vulcan mind meld. You see, I volunteered as a docent at the San Francisco Alien Anthropology Museum. The museum had very close ties to many of the alien embassies and the Vulcans were extremely helpful in building our collection and compiling resources on their evolution and history. They personally trained our docents for the exhibition "Fascinating: From Loonies to Logicians, the Evolution of Vulcan Philosophy through Folk Art". The Vulcans, as you know do have strong psychic abilities that require physical contact. I actually had long conversations with the personal assistant to the Vulcan attache on this very subject. We dated for a short time, which was strongly frowned upon so we kept it a close secret. Anyhoo, I did learn about the mind meld from him.

Surak and the Traditional Vulcan "Scissors" symbol
As it turns out, hairdressers on Vulcan, coming in close contact with the heads of their clients, inadvertently pick up all kinds of information through unintentional melds. All salons are potential houses of intrigue and hairdressers are bound by a code of client confidentiality strictly enforced by law and tradition. Before the time of Surak (the son of a barber), before Vulcans began to embrace logic, hairdressers amassed limitless power and even threatened to destroy Vulcan civilization altogether. Thus, the Vulcan standard of the bowl cut grew from these dark times. An actual bowl was placed on the head so that the stylist and client would have no physical contact. The bangs and back were cut, taking care not to touch skin on skin. Thus a new breed of hair dresser was born and the priestly caste of Vulcan grew out of this new group of bowl cutting stylists. These stylists were actually the ones who initially spread Surak's philosophy and they had a captive audience in their salon chairs. Today, the bowl is only used in rituals, but the haircut remains. On Vulcan, allowing someone to cut your hair is a sign of great trust, and one still gets one's hair cut and styled by a temple priest or priestess, who is also a master cosmetologists.

Through his mind meld Spock found out from Van Gelder that Adams is using some kind of mind wiper machine. Kirk is definitely in danger on the planet below and now we can't get to him because of the force field blocking transport. I don't see how they could beam down anyway because the facility is so far undergound. I told Spock he was out of his Vulcan mind if he thought he could beam in there even with the transporter shield down and he said, "I believe Nurse Chapel is in need of a cream rinse." Well, I know where I'm not wanted so I just let out a little "hmpf", pursed my lips, turned on my heels and walked right out of there. I did stop to grab that medicinal bottle of Saurian brandy and then I went straight to Rec Room 3 and demanded chocolate from the replicator.

Well, Kirk is back on board and safe. So is Noel. I insisted on redoing her hair myself and she looks like a dream. She told me everything that happened on the surface below. While I was working on her, Mr. Spock came into Salonbay and made an appointment with me to have his hair done. Up until now he has cut it himself. Why Mr. Spock. I believe that qualifies as an apology and I do so humbly accept.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Don't Panic: Towel Day

Howdy doo crew! Are you ready for Towel Day? Are you putting up a towel tree this year? Are you hiding towel eggs? However you choose to celebrate Towel Day, please remember that Douglas Adams is the reason for the season. So please, let's end this ridiculous war on towel day and just go ahead and do it--what ever it is (I'm not even sure that makes sense, in fact I'm sure it doesn't).

Anyhoo, Douglas Adams brought us countless hours of silliness and laughter and so, without further delay, please to enjoy my tribute to the man who started it all...

Friday, May 11, 2012

Enterprise 101: Lighting

The Enterprise is a very sophisticated lady. She is responsive and efficient. Her communications, life-support, medical facilities and research labs are state of the art. Her photon torpedoes are nothing short of bodacious. She's roomy like a sedan but handles like a sports car.

In addition to being one of the greatest ships in the fleet in terms of function, she's also one of the grooviest space birds to ever cross the void in terms of accommodations. In the series Enterprise 101 I'm going to be looking at special feature of this grand lady, pointing out some facts about her you many not know.

Mood filters enhance crew response

Before the 23rd century interior lighting was only used for illumination. Man was only able to set the mood of a space in the crudest of ways via what was called a dimmer switch. Now, using the latest developments in intelligent lighting or in-lightenment people never have to worry about the effects of harsh, unflattering lighting again.

The Enterprise uses the Garbo 6000 series of in-lightenment systems. Using various sensors (tone of voice detectors, visual receptors, wrinkle reactors, etc.) the Garbo 6000 engine adjusts lights for maximum dramatic effect. In addition to this standard set of sensors, Garbo 6000 can detect minute changes in hormones, neurotransmitters and pheromones.

This innovation allows the system to adjust lights for maximum attractiveness in mixed company, or to change the mood to minimize cattiness in all female settings, or maximize manliness when only the boys are around.

The system is also equipped with intelligent nano particles. These microscopic air-born particles create a gauzy or halo effect when maximum glamor is needed. Finally, the back-light circuit is the most sensitive to date, ensuring a silver-lining for every regulation bouffant on the bridge. No need to worry though.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Common People: Chatting with Kirk

Sorry dears, no new Moxie Pod today. Here's something to keep you busy until next week.

Dear Cosmelog,

Last night I was chatting with Kirk about our days at the academy. He was drinking Saurian Brandy and he started telling me about a woman he used to date. Well, I accidentally recorded the whole thing in music mash-up mode on my com recorder! How embarrassing!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Future Past Tense: Hairdos of Tomorrow from Yesterday #1

A Telerite Beauty Perfectly Portraying a Porcine Princess
Grammar for time travelers can be quite confusing. For instance, future past tense is used when one talks about something one already did at a time that hasn't occurred yet. For instance, if I ate dinner yesterday I use simple past tense. If I then travel backwards in time to the day before yesterday, the meal remains consumed but the mealtime has yet to come. Therefore, to express these ideas clearly I use future past tense. Simple right?

Matt and Meridith
Anyhoo, Grammar is a discussion for another time. I'm borrowing the phrase "future past tense" to expound upon the topic of hairdos of the future as imagined in the media of earth past. On the homeworld, old Earth, people once had access to a thing called the interwebs. These interwebs were much like that thingy we use today to do stuff and whatnot. You know what I'm talking about. The interwebs were made up of many things. On average, use of the interwebs could be broken down as follows: 2% of use to gain new knowledge, 5% of use to advertise mostly using dancing things like babies or women,  3% of use for communication (both business and personal), 11% for entertainment (a full 5% of that was restricted to watching videos of kittens and their precious shenanigans, I think this had something to do with a religious cult of some kind that no longer exists). The remaining 79% was reserved for posting and viewing men and women in varying degrees of undress (mostly full frontal) and engaged in, not just compromising positions, but positions that certainly required countless hours of negotiation. Well, I digress. I happen to have a copy of the "internet" starting with it's birth in the late 20th century to it's eventual demise in the early 22nd. (I keep misplacing it because it's just so small, the size of an old US Earth dime, although you probably don't know what that is seeing as we don't have money anymore)

A Honey with Buns to Prove it
I searched these old interwebs hoping to find lost hair technology or styles. On my journey through the interwebs I discovered that our ancestors loved fictional visions of the future and flowing from those visions were heads of hair with imagined future dos, some of which have come to pass!

So, here I present to you my first installment, hair of the future as imagined in the past: Princess Leia Organa, a honey with the buns to prove it.Apparently, this do was in a film known as Star Wars and became all the rage on Earth.(For more info on Leia and her daughter Padme check out the site Like Mother, Like Daughter)

Mona Leia

Here I offer you proof of the popularity of the double-bun do. Here is a DaVinci original, the Mona Leia (this is what an ancient earth DVD player, a time machine and drunken college pranks will get you, hopefully the timeline wasn't altered too much as a result.

Jennifer Aniston  (an earth princess, equally famous for her hair)

Another wearer of the do was the late twentieth century (and early 21st) girl-next-door, Jennifer Aniston. She was reportedly a friend to all. Aniston is connected with another popular do. Around the turn of the 21st century, the "Rachael" haircut Aniston made popular was forced almost universally upon whole herds of women. Those were bleak years for hair, but somehow mankind survived.

Other wearers of this look include Tina Fey, Meridith Vieira two popular telescreenovision personalities. The final picture here is of  a Telerite beauty who became extraordinarily popular on Earth under the pseudonym, Miss Piggy. (She is also famous for championing inter-species marriage rights)

The look disappered sometime toward the end of the 21st century and is due for a revival. And so we salute you, honeybun hairdo: May the force be with you, hairdo. May the force be with you. (Ah, yes, the hold is strong with this one--especially if you use the head lacquer known as Aquanet)

Tina Fey (aka: Liz Lemon Leia)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Very Special Moxie Pod: Five Year Mission

Dear Manny,

Take that footage from the Five Year Mission episode and throw it together with their reaction video. Can you spice it up a little? It's not much to see--Noah drinking, Chris trying to chew his leg off to get away, Mike with his endless sarcasm, P.J. desperate to get to practice for some other band and Fark--I mean just Fark--do I really have to elaborate on that?

Post this on the blog for me "Oh, Five Year Mission, They're my Favorite!" Maybe in all caps. Search for some really glowing quotes about me--they must have hundreds--and pick the best and post them on the blog too. Use some sort of title like: "What the Band is Saying about Moxie" That way we can push out a webisode this week without actually having to do anything.

Please read this carefully. DO NOT under any circumstances post everything I've written. They must think I ADORE them. Understand?

Give my love to Margaret,


 "A clip show? Is she really doing a clip show already? How does she have enough footage for a clip show? Hey, how'd she get that video of us!"  --Mike Rittenhouse

"Didn't we send her a cease and desist letter? I got a baby on the way, I don't need this. If another person asks me how my husband David Beckham is I'm going to lose it."  --Chris Spurgin

"Who? Oh, that Janice Rand wannabe. She'll never make it. She ain't got the sparkle. Did you see my glass?" --Noah Butler

"I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want."  --P.J. O'Connor

"Here, hold my baby. Sh*t just got real."  --Andy Fark

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Infinite Void of Space

It can get pretty boring on a space ship. The old adage is indeed true: "In space no one can hear you sigh."

For everyday we discover a unicorn dog thing, or a Alpine unicorn gorilla (I just wouldn't want to live in a universe bereft of unicorn creatures), there are at least ten other days where we just stand around with very little to say or do.

Even imagining the unicorn creature we could discover next becomes tedious.

(Psychological test for space madness: If you do not rate this picture above a 4.8 on Hector's Adorability Scale, then space tedium has set in. Without intervention, space madness will follow.)

But somehow we always manage to get through...


Friday, April 27, 2012

Five Year Mission: Miri

Miri, Five Year Mission wrote a song about it, like to hear it here it goes:

Alas, Moxie will never have children, but mind you, if she does, they won't be the unruly, two-hundred year old kind. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Moxie Pod, Episode 8: Miri

Chief Cosmetologist's Log, Stardate 2717.4:

We are circling a planet that is an exact copy of earth. Exact. Yes, exact. What a coinky-dink! Now, beyond the weird factor this would seem to raise all kinds of existential questions but we obviously have no time for those. I mean, really, the captain is just so pragmatic. This is directly from his log:  "Captain's Log, stardate 2713.5. In the distant reaches of our galaxy, we have made an astonishing discovery. Earth type radio signals coming from a planet which apparently is an exact duplicate of the Earth. It seems impossible, but there it is." Really, Jim: "...but there it is." 

So, we're getting distress signals from a strange copy of earth; what's the logical next step? If you guessed to send our captain, the second in command AND the chief medical officer down to the planet below with the captain's personal yeoman and a minimal security detail, then you guessed right. Did I mention that they took the CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER? I have got to look up protocol on away missions and see if I can figure out policy. 

I hate to say "I told you so" because now, everyone in the landing party has some horrible flesh-eating disease that is just the most awesome shade of blue! At least we are safe here on board--bereft of leadership, excluding Scotty and I of course. Oh well...

Monday, April 23, 2012

Having an Episode: Miri

Stardate: 2713.5

We are orbiting an exact copy of earth. What's with the copies? these last few weeks copies of Captain Kirk have been positively oozing out of the woodwork and now this! (I just hope the earth's double doesn't start forcing itself on female crew member's!) There will be a landing party and I have to, have to, have to be a part of it. If it's an exact copy of earth I should be able to get some decent sushi and a good cup of coffee. I bet we can even find a Korean beauty supply store!

(NOTE: As silly as it may seem, duplicate Earths are not unheard of and are no laughing matter. Infact, the history books tell us of a huge computer that was a replica of the earth. From what I understand, it was designed to answer the question of life, the universe and everything. I believe it was destroyed by Vogons.)

If you look real close the number 42 is everywhere. I wonder why.

I've gotten word that Rand is going to be in the landing party along with Spock, Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Williams and Walker. I'd hoped to be assigned as beauty support but the captain insists that I stay on board. I made Rand promise to keep in touch with me, and to contact me at the first sight of a beauty supply store. I understand taking Williams as security, but Walker. Walker is a loose cannon. I remember being on shore leave with him and a few other crew members a while back. He kept inflating himself in front of the locals by telling them he was Captain Walker. It was "Captain Walker" this and "Captain Walker" that. I'm surprised he didn't get himself in trouble and thrown into the brig!

The crew is dying to know what's going on on the planet's surface. As usual in these situations, crew members are coming by salonbay with no real beautification needs. They come here for the chat and we are serving it up hot! This comes straight from the bridge: John Farrell came down for a peppermint scalp treatment (he has such beautiful strawberry blond hair but unfortunate recurring battles with dry scalp), and he said that the away team has come in contact with a virus, A VIRUS! My first question was "John, is it an STD?" I just blurted it out. I just couldn't help myself. Kirk does have a healthy libido and sometimes managing these away teams is like chaperoning hormonal teenagers to Panama City, Florida for spring break! John said it was not an STD; it was airborn. Mr Spock doesn't have it but everyone else does. Why, they are positively covered in blue spots from what I gather.

I got a quick message from Rand, too. The planet is devastated or devastating. I couldn't really tell, She couldn't get a good signal. There is or is not a good Korean beauty supply store--or maybe she said a Coridan beauty supply store, and I wouldn't be very interested in that. Those Coridanites make the ugly stick look like a blooming orchid! Honestly, I think the real reason they are miners is because they don't want to show their faces in the light of day. But, I digress. Janice said something about children.

A Vengan just before space madness kicked in
A little more news has filtered in from the bridge crew. Now, Scotty was here earlier for a trim. He's in command since Kirk and Spock are away. While I was shaving his ear hair I mined him for information. He said the planet is in ruins. There are no adults, only children. Now mind you, he did say the children were 300 years old.

Now, the other thing he told me about is the disease: The inhabitants were trying to slow the rate of aging and they accidentally created this fatal disease. The disease leads to space madness before death. (The same thing happened on Venga IV. Well, almost the same. The Vengans were trying to slow aging with a mutated strain of the botulism bacterium called botasm. At first it worked. Space madness and death followed--oh, and then Zombie-ism.)

Janice rang me on her communicator. She was very emotional and we had another bad connection. First she cried. Then she said something about her legs that I asked her to repeat a few times but I still didn't get it. And then she got angry and just let fly with a stream of obscenities. I think the space madness might be next.

The crew is incommunicado and rumors are flying. They are so close to finding a cure. Some people speculate that the children have gone all "Lord of the Flies" on the landing party.

The landing crew is back! Not a one of them is dead and they are all cured. Even Williams and Walker made it back! Bones tested his antidote on himself and it worked. I joined a large team that beamed down to the surface to help synthesize the vaccine and inoculate the children. We left them some provisions including eight live pigs we had on board. I loved talking to the kids and giving them hope for the future. I fell in love with one little girl in particular. Her name was Entity, I told her that one day, if she worked hard enough, she could be in charge of everything. "Why," I said, "You could be in charge of ... What's the name of this place anyway?" She said that they always called it Bartertown. "One day, you'll rule Bartertown, Entity. You just have to want it enough."

We are leaving the children behind. You know, Kirk isn't very good with kids and I think he really wants to put some space between himself and this little incident. Space Central will send in a team to help them. Hope they do it quickly and don't drag their feet on this. And I hope that the children remember us fondly:

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Spin Me Round

"Thank you for calling. Please listen to our new troubleshooting menu as it may have changed since the last time you called..."

"If you checked and the tray isn't jammed press 1. Does it have enough toner? If you checked the toner then please press 2. OK, Now look on the other side, where you placed the blank android, did you insert it correctly. It should be facing the opposite direction of the original. If the blank android is inserted correctly, please press 3. Now, Do you have two people manning the console? If you have...."--Fuji Xerox help line

"I'm sorry, we cannot send out a repairman. All of our repairmen were murdered by androids. Please stay on the line and the next available operator will assist you."

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Moxie Pod, Episode 7: What are Little Girls Made of?

Well, you simply can't walk down a corridor on this ship without running into yourself. And I'd bet my money that what you've run into is an evil twin. Why just this week there was an almost perfect android replica of the captain. In space, evil twins are as numerous as the stars (which, technically, makes them something other than evil twins but I'll leave that one to the philosophers and scientists!)

Anyhoo, What is an evil twin and how do you spot them? Well, here's yours truly laying down the truth on twins of the evil variety.

Where is my head? I did leave out one important way to recognize an evil twin: Evil British accent. Other accents are, of course, possible, but an evil British one is always a dead give away.

Now, it's very important that you keep up on all current information concerning the identification of evil twins. Here's a little article you should read called "How to Spot Your Evil Twin". If you like that, you should rush out and by this little booky: Everything Explained Through Flowcharts by Doogie Horner. The book explains everything, including the Klingon Afterlife--no kidding.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Having an Episode: What are Little Girls Made of

Christine Chapel: Set Phaser to Stunning!
Christine Chapel just left here on the way to the bridge and boy does she look stunning. I pulled out all the stops for this one. She's got a soft side-bumped blond do with loose flipped curls. I personally chose her lipstick: Regulation Starfleet coral #15. Why, you may ask, does she need to look so stunning? Well, she's been OK-ed for the landing crew for Exo III, and she's convinced, convinced that we are going to find her fiance, Roger, alive on the planets surface, in spite of the fact that it's been five years since anyone has heard from him. I don't think he could survive the cold of Exo III. The planet is cold. I mean COLD. This is not witch's tit in a brass bra territory. This is a dead witch's tit in a dry ice bra in a beer cooler in the frozen void of intersteller space on a winter's midnight kind of cold. And that, my friends, is hard to survive even with the fire of love burning strong in your breast. But I digress.

Chapel actually gave up a career in bio research to join the crew of a star ship. And she joined the crew of a star ship on the off chance that it would one day pass by Exo III and she could swoop in and find Roger Korby, her long lost fiance, on her own. How romantic! That poor doll is in for a terrible surprise as I'm sure Korby is long dead.

Everyone knows who Dr. Robert Korby is. He single-handedly threw lab assistant after lab assistant under the bus to climb to the top of the field of  immunology as we know it today. He's the reason why we all don't die from the Andorian airborn clap or space-madness delirium flu. (Unfortuantely the success of his methods has made many individuals, such as my dear departed Joe Tormolen (see post: The Naked Time) oblivious to space contagion.) 

My Marcus Matthews
So, Korby has not been found by two rescue missions. There has been no contact from Korby for five years. However, Chapel believes he is still alive and ready to get married. Ain't love grand! He's either dead or he has cold feet (and if the latter is true, as stated before, these aren't your garden variety cold feet.) On top of that, when everyone was crazy drunk on water a few weeks ago she flat out told Spock she's been carrying a torch for him. Well, ain't love grand! Now honey, It's not for Moxie to judge. I just make 'em beautiful and send them on their merry way so that's what I've done. I also told her to report back here as soon as possible to let me know if we have a double wedding in our future! You see, Marcus Matthews has asked me to marry him!

Bizarre Love Triangle
Well, I'll be a mugato's mama! Korby is alive. Yes! Alive! I can't believe I doubted Chapel. (Well, actually I can, the odds were very much not in her favor, but this just proves that true love conquers all!) I spoke to Marcus, my fiance. He stopped by on his way down to the transporter room. He and Rayburn are on security standby for the landing party. It seems that Korby wants Kirk and Chapel to beam down alone, so I think the security team will just spend the afternoon waiting around for nothing. Ah, Moxie Magnus Matthews, that has a nice ring to it: Mr. and Mrs. Marcus and Moxie Matthews!  I teased him, saying "Why, Marcus Matthews, why should I marry you. You don't love me one bit." and he said "Now, Moxie. My love for you is bottomless. I don't think I'll ever stop falling for you." He looked so handsome in his red shirt with his silver hair.

Turns out that Marcus and Rayburn have just been called down to the surface after all. Surely, nothing could go wrong. 

Goodbye Marcus Matthews
Well Christine and Kirk have returned alone. My Marcus, it seems, fell to his death in a bottomless pit, leaving no worldly remains to blast out into space. Needless to say, my heart, once again, is shattered. Marcus Matthews, rest in peace. Looks like I'll be back on the old grief meds.

I needed to take my mind off of my own sorrowful life so I sat Christine down in that salon chair and I said. "Christine Chapel, we are going to have a grief-fueled beautification session and you are going to tell me everything that happened." I just wouldn't take no for an answer. And here's what she told me...

Cross Your Abs Bra
Well, they beamed down just at the entrance to some underground cave system. Nobody was there so Kirk naturally asked for security to beam down. He told Rayburn to stay at the entrance and Marcus, my Marcus, to come with him and Chapel. Well, Chapel almost fell in a pit, but they found Browny. Now, I don't know who this Browny is because Chapel had started to weep by this point in the story and I was just teasing away at her hair, teasing away and choking back my tears. She said Browny didn't seem to recognize her, but he always was a rather cold fish anyway to which I said some people just are. This seemed to calm her down a bit. She said that was when they lost Matthews, when my Marcus fell into the pit. I said I didn't want to know any more about that. I told her we were going to plow forward with her story.


I composed myself and she was saying something about Korby living underground all this time with some auburn haired floozy named Andrea. I insisted she tell me how this Andrea looked. What was she wearing? Well, she said she was wearing some kind of crazy blue and green cross your heart suspendered jumpsuit with no blouse. It sounded fabulous in spite of my breaking heart. I didn't ask Christine more about Andrea as she had turned green with jealousy.

She said about that time Korby came in and they kissed. She started weeping again saying she should have known then. She just kept saying she should have known. It seems Korby wouldn't let them contact the ship. Then I got a little lost. Browny, whoever the hell he was, got shot and he turned out to be some kind of robot. Then this giant named Ruk came in and he was wearing this padded grey cloak with a popped collar and a gorgeous pink floral blouse. Then, Andrea took Christine away and I just couldn't follow anything she said at this point she was crying so hard. I did get that Andrea was an android and possibly some kind of pleasure bot.

Naked Spinning Kirks
Then Christine said something about a copy machine merry-go-round type thing. Korby made an android copy of Kirk. Well, I just kind of stopped listening at this point. We'd just come off that evil transporter copy of Kirk a few weeks ago and my nerves just couldn't take it. I focused on her hair. I kept teasing and started phase-krimping. I knew where she was going with all of this so I blurted out: "So, your fiance was a robot." Well, you would have thought I just killed a puppy the way she looked at me, but she did stop crying, for a minute.

Kirk and His Rock

Christine paused and blew her nose. She started back with her story, and I kept asking questions, but I was just on auto pilot. I have no idea what she said. I just continued working on her hair and started right into her makeup. I guess I did overdo it just a bit. Long story short, everybody got killed except Christine and Kirk and they made it back to the ship. And yes, Roger was a robot in some tawdry robot sex triangle with Ruk and Andrea. I still don't know who Browny was or why the caves were just littered with penis-shaped rock formations. Anyhoo, by the end of that story I had over made that make over, dialed it right up to a full eleven! Well, the only thing left for me to do was escort Chapel down to sick bay, where it was grief meds all around!

Christine Chapel after Her Grief-Fueled Makeover

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Moxie Pod, Interlude 4: Outlantacon

Howdy-do Crew! I'm going to Outlantacon, the LGBT geek fest that will be in Atlanta, Georgia (Earth, mind you, not Alpha Centauri), May 4-6! You should definitely check out there web site and join me for all the fun!

Now, crew, I did make this little announcement about the guest who will be attending Outlantacon. If you missed the live broadcast, then feel free to watch it here, BUT I remind you that this is an internal memo--only for Enterprise crew. We definitely don't want any of the guests from the con to see this. I would hate for any of those poor dears to know the horror that await them.

I simply cannot wait. Oh, and I guess I don't have to! Since we are going to time travel there anyway, why don't we just leave now?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Sexual Harassment Seminar

ATTN: Enterprise Bridge Personnel

I want to remind you that we do have an HR representative from Starfleet Headquarters for our mandatory sexual harassment training seminar. This year our presenter will be Candy Peaks (Last years HR rep, Fanny Sanchez gave us a rather unfortunate rating and vowed never to return to our ship, remember? Thankfully, I'm not sure anyone at Starfleet even pays attention to those ratings.) Now I'm not exactly sure if this is a "recognizing and avoiding" or a "general how-to" meeting so be prepared for either.

So, I know you are thinking "With the sexual mores of the 23rd century, Why should I be concerned about sexual harassment?" And you might have a point. HOWEVER, the United Federation of Planets constitution states that all Starfleet personnel must have, and I quote, "...sexual harassment training, occupational saftey training, first aid and phaser safety training once every star-year." We had phaser safety training in the star-spring (donations for Security Officer Harrison's widow are still being accepted). And now that it's star-summer we are due for sexual harassment training.

Last year we were boarded by the lovely Fanny Sanchez who presented our sexual harassment seminar. She gave a gripping presentation, enumerating her points stroke by stroke until all of her knowledge had spilled out upon us. That Fanny sure does know how to spread information. Now, I did comment that some of the officers on the bridge slept through the seminar. I will not name names. I know it followed poker night but that is inexcusable. Everyone denied napping but I do have photographic evidence:  

Some people were caught sleeping at last years sexual harassment seminar

I know training seminars can be boring, but, once again, "mandatory" means that everyone must attend. Let me repeat that EVERYONE MUST ATTEND (Jimmy Kirk, this means you). Please set an example for the rest of the crew. The presentation for bridge personnel will be on Friday at 8:00 am. If you miss this seminar, you MUST sign up for another scheduled crew seminar. The signup sheets are posted in Rec Room 6. If you miss the seminar altogether you will NOT be eligible for promotions or shore leave (which, as I have been repeatedly promised, should be any day now--I'm looking at you again James).

Friday, April 6, 2012

Intoxicating Beauty: Profile of Venus Drug

Gentler reader, 

As recorded in my log, I recently discovered the illegal use of the Venus drug right here aboard the Enterprise! This drug is a menace to society and an affront to all hardworking artisans of beauty , such as myself. In our daily fight against the forces of ugliness we must avoid the easy route and help those less gifted and weaker than ourselves. Here is some information I would like to pass along to educate you about the Venus drug, its detection and use. 

Thanks Everso,

Common Name: Venus Drug

Overview: Venus Drug (sowearpursine) is a type of passive psionic hallucinogen mostly used as a performance enhancer or recreational makeover drug.

Using both hands improves effects

Other Names: Ishtar ice, Aphrodite red, Cupid crack or crank, Helen of Troy (HT), pop rock (pop being short for popular as well as refering to the way one takes it by mouth), red beauty, crystal looks, beefcake (when marketed to males), makeover pill, and Hoboken hog whistle.

Method of Delivery: Orally, by throwing to the back of the mouth; most effective when the mouth is covered by both hands. The drug enters the system almost immediately producing instant changes in appearance. These changes are accompanied by the perception of chiming xylophones. 

Human Female tripping on Venus and tripping off Venus
Primary Effect: Acts on the pre-frontal cortex causing it to emit passive psionic energy that causes others to view the emitter as profoundly beautiful. In addition, the drug actually causes instantaneous molecular changes in the hair of the taker, causing hairs to line up and smooth out, no matter how frizzy. The drug also creates the illusion that the taker is wearing lipstick, eye makeup and false eyelashes. the hair of the person taking the drug also begins to emit very low level radiation, giving them a gauzy appearance when viewed close up.

Human male on the Venus drug
Side Effects: the taker of the drug has compulsive desire to raise arms (as demonstrated in the picture of the male above), stroke themselves and believe they can fly, often leading them to jump through windows of multistory buildings. Anxiety and panic can occur with ingestion. When females take the drug it causes arousal response in the opposite sex and a desire to befriend the taker in the same sex. The psionic waves produced by the drug in the female body causes cattiness among females in their presence. Women suffer from feelings of inadequacy when near other women who are high on the drug. When taken by males it causes arousal in both the same and opposite sexes (proving that men are, indeed, just dogs.)

Vulcan/Romulan hybrid on the Venus drug

Long Term Effects: The big head, beauty fatigue, weight gain.

 Sign of overdose: arms locked upright

Signs of overdose: Apathy, glowing skin, radiation poisoning (to those around you), arms stuck overhead, development of a third eye, irreparable liver damage, poor career choices, dancing with the stars.

Source: The drug has two distinct sources. The psionic mushrooms of Delta IV and the toothed snapping glow fungus of Orion. Both are meat eating fungi that attract their prey by radiating extreme beauty.

Typical users: Venus is often used as a performance enhancement drug for bodybuilding and has been found in use on beauty pageant circuits in children as young as three. The United Federation of Planets (UFP) has required drug testing for all licensed pageants since the Little Miss UFP scandal of 2254. The drug also has widespread recreational use especially among teens and the chronically ugly. Venus is used legally as a fertility drug, mostly on the planet Tellar, where natives are so ugly they defy the laws of natural selection by their very survival.

Venus: unethical performance enhancer in children
History: These fungi are highly toxic in the systems of the sentient beings (the Deltans and the Orions) of the planets they originate from and even if they were not the natives would have little use for them because they themselves have similar qualities of attraction. At some point, aliens to Delta IV (probably the teenage children of diplomats) discovered the hallucinogenic qualities of these fungi. The Orion syndicate began producing and selling the drug, insisting that it be made illegal to drive up the price.

Treatment: Occasional use of the drug does not appear to create dependency. However, long term use does and requires a period of detoxification, usually experienced as disastrous media interviews. Those addicted to the drug often need countless hours of therapy with both stylists and makeup artists.

For more information read: Beauty Junkie: My Life on the Pageant Circuit by Tammy Fescue or Sugar Pill Your Way to Gorgeous! by Dr. Yevette Chaparral.

 Horny vs. Catty