Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Yeah, I'm in Love with an Android

Howdy doo crew! Here's my cover of Yeah I'm in Love with an Android by that fabulous songster Eric Elbogen of Say Hi to Your Mom (now known simply as Say Hi). This one goes out to Christine Chapel. Sorry about your Fiance. (Special thanks to Eric Elbogen!)

Here's the original 

You MUST check out more of the music from Say Hi. 

Time Lord Fest, Tampa...Earth

Time Lord Fest is coming up on November 9th, in Tampa, Florida...Earth. I hope to see you there!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Moxie Pod, Episode 11: The Menagerie I

Oh Gurl! This court martial nonsense is giving me bad dreams and bad hair! 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Having an Episode: The Managerie Pt. 1

You're never going to believe what has happened.

Starbase 11
First of all we were sent a message from Captain Pike, he's that dashing former captain of the Enterprise as you well know. Well, he said it was very urgent so we, of course, dropped everything. We were actually just out patrolling, after all, hoping to run into some kind of planetary system with life, so it was really no problem to turn around. Well, when I heard where we were going I just about wet myself--Starbase 11! I just adore Starbase 11. First of all, I photograph very well in front of polished chrome and purple skies. But more importantly, not only is there is a Korean Super Beauty Mart on Starbase 11 but they have the best sushi outside of earth of course! There's this little place called Zero G Roller Disco and Sushi Palace. It is, hands down, one of a kind. So, I got some of the girls together and immediately pulled some strings for a landing pass. Jimmy, Captain Kirk, said I can go down right away with the supply team but the girls would have to wait until we knew more about what was going on. Fine. So I told the girls that they should be able to meet up with me later and if not we could go tomorrow because I was sure we'd be in port for a few days.

Miss Piper: a bag of rocks in a red dress
I ran into Kirk, Spock and McCoy in the transporter room. They were off to see Commodore Mendez. They called down earlier and Mendez said he would send Miss Piper to meet them when they arrive. We all laughed about that one. They'll be lucky if she finds her way out of the office. I swear, she can't even use the automatic doors! I met her a few times on Starbase 11, I've even done her hair, and let me just say that nepotism is alive and well in Starfleet, if you know what I mean. How else could you expalin it?

Well, as soon as I entered the Beauty Mart, I got a call saying I was needed back on board. They couldn't tell me anything specific only that I had to return immediately. They couldn't beam me out of the Beauty Mart. Everyone knows that Korean beauty supply stores are transporter shielded. Now, you see, we, in general, don't use money in the future. However, no one bothered to tell the owners of Korean beauty supply stores that and so they insist on the old fashioned system of payment for goods or services. Thus the shield. It didn't take them long to realize that people were just beaming in, grabbing hair tracks, weave and Styrofoam heads and "Poof" beaming back out. Anyhoo, you've never seen anyone run through a store so quickly. I was snatching up piles of human hair, Vulcan hair, Andorian hair--yes, yes, these can be replicated but the real stuff can't be matched. I actually got out of the store in less than ten minutes (and that, my friends is how to snatch a weave, Moxie style). I ran out and past the transporter shield and had the transporter crew beam me right up.

Pike in a Skaro Scoot-A-Round
So, I got back to the ship and what was the big emergency. Well, there sat Captain Pike. He was in a box, granted a nice streamlined box, but a box none the less. At first I thought it was vintage Galactic Empire Imperial Senate. I'm very good at identifying these things. There were a couple of tip offs that is was a knock off. I bet it's part of that Scoot-A-Round line of chairs made on the planet Skaro. I had a bio-lab internship on Skaro right out of Starfleet Academy--top secret security clearance. I was a lab assistant for a scientist named Davros who was working on some revolutionary genetic experiments. I recognized the chair because Davros used to tool around in one himself but his had a little more decoration, big silver orbs if I recall correctly. We used to laugh so hard; he was always such a jovial man, never without a smile. He fell head over heels for me and I just didn't think of him that way, so I thought it best to request a transfer. Well, he apparently went off the deep end after that--became a real ass. I wonder what became of him? Oh, but I digress.

So there sat Pike and I saw immediately why I'd been called back: his hair was screaming red alert. Well, there's really no communicating with Chris Pike anymore. They had this system set up for him where he can beep to answer yes or no questions. Of course the first thing I suggested is that we get Mr. Spock to mind meld with him. I swear, you would have thought I was speaking Klingonese the way everyone looked at me. I just didn't push it. So I asked him, "Chris, What do you want us to do with that hair?" Well, he gave me quite a look and I'd realized what I'd done so I rephrased the question. "Would you like a little color in that hair of yours."
I've been a very very bad.

He beeped and I just couldn't remember how many beeps was yes and how many was no. I got Spock on the com and he straightened me out. Well, when Pike heard Spock's voice he just started beeping. "Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep." Which I translated, with my new knowledge, as "No, no, no." Well, I had no idea what that was about. I thought I'd better makes some excuse and let him calm down, so I told him I was going to go and get some hair dye ready.

Well, before I got to salonbay all hell had broken loose. The ship is now locked on course. We've plucked Jim and Commodore Mendez out of a shuttle. Spock is under arrest. Seems we're off to Talos IV. That's not good, not good at all. There is a sushi roller disco heaven that is going to be missing an angel tonight.

Um. What is that thing?
Well, everything is on autopilot so no one has anything to do. Jim, Scotty, Bones and Mendez are all at the hearing for Mr. Spock. You're not going to believe this, dear cosmelog, but Spock mutinied! He stole the ship and set it on a unalterable course to Talos IV. Well, it would be funny, but visiting Talos IV is the only crime still punishable by death so we're all unclear if that applies just to Mr. Spock or if we should all get our affairs in order.  

You remember how I told you in my previous blog about making Spock our tenth for poker night? Well, I think Spock has just taken the whole thing a little bit too seriously. He has really been working on his bluffing skills. First he had to get past telling everyone that he was bluffing. He'd say "I will see you're bet Captain, and I will raise it 10 credits. However, I am bluffing." He lost everything the first few games. Now he's doing quite well. He's even gotten past raising his eyebrow whenever he gets good cards. Anyhoo, I think this whole bluffing thing and "Vulcans don't bluff" thing has just driven him off the deep end. Who knows what he's up to.

Movie Night!
Well, anyway, everyone is bored to tears. Spabay is booked solid. Salon bay is dead, no one seems to need a hair cut because we've already given everyone one. Everyone is just about tumbled out at the gym. Why, if I have to play another game of Three-dimensional Monopoly or Pan-dimensional Life I will beam myself into the void of space!

I was sitting around salonbay with the girls and all the screens on the ship started showing footage of Captain Pike and the old crew of the Enterprise when they went to Talos IV back in the old days. Seems it's somehow part of Spock's Trial. For a Vulcan, that little man is so dramatic. I don't know how he put this together, but we are all glued to the screen. I ordered salonbay closed and immediately, in my position as cruise director, ordered that we all go to the rec rooms, replicate some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Number one sporting a Lois Lane cut
Well, I'm not so good at telling stories but this is the story so far as we can tell from the transmissions: Thirteen years ago Pike was captain of the Enterprise. He was such a handsome fellow. Those sky blue eyes and that dark hair. He was simply dashing. Well they were going somewhere, I didn't get that. I was too busy looking at his first officer's hair. It's the style we used to call the Lois Lane, very popular over a decade ago. The other thing I kept focusing on was Mr. Spock's brows. I'm so glad he finally let me convince him that they needed regular waxing. "It's not logical. It's not logical." I finally said "How's this for logic: IF you want your Vulcan bangs trimmed THEN you're going to have to let me do something about that V shaped unibrow." I wouldn't let any of my girls go near him with their scissors until he agreed.

I'm a doctor AND a bartender (and a mechanic)
Then there was a part where good old Dr. Boise was talking to Chris. He said. "I'm a Doctor AND a bartender. I prescribe hard liquor." We all had a good laugh at that one. And then Chris was all like, "Doctor, Doctor, I just can't do this anymore. I want to ride horses or sell slaves or whatnot." Boise was like, "No way" or something. I got a little lost in the clothes. I had forgotten all about the mechanic jump suits doctors used to wear. The old uniforms just weren't as class as the new. Without a doubt the new red, blue and gold uniforms will be around for centuries to come. Seriously, does the mini skirt EVER go out of style?

Let's see where was I. Oh, the story. So, they sent a landing party down to Talos IV. There was like a geriatric outpost there, or a retirement ship of some kind had crashed there, or something. I know it had to do with a bunch of old men, stranded. So, they beamed down. They had these nice little jackets on, a bit bulky, but maybe Starfleet should think about bringing back the jacket. Those uniforms did make it a little more difficult to identify members of your landing party though. I mean nothing says "Security! Here I am! Use me as a human shield!" like a red shirt.

Vina in her macrame survival skirt
So anyway, mixed in with all the oldies was this young woman, Vina. Well, she obviously knew something about cast-away fashion. She had tailored one of men's shirts to fit her perfectly. Her hair had that teased, perfectly fixed, space vixen look. She had some how managed to find eye make-up in the rubble of that old space wreck, probably just soot left from the fire, and lipstick, probably animal fat mixed with berries or the blood of some local fauna thickened with goose fat. I don't know if they had goose fat, but it sure does stay on your lips; well, as long as you don't lick them; goos fat does taste real good; if you like that sort of thing. Anyhoo, she looked stunning! But the piece de resistance was her skirt. It reminded me of that little number that salt vampire wore, you know the one, the viney thing. Well, Vina must have natural talent for fashion or one of those old men in that party must have some wicked macrame skills because the dress was smashing! SMASHING!

Well, before you know it Vina and the Oldies just up and disappeared and these big headed bald people came out and abducted Pike. Took him right into this cave elevator. We were all surprised by that turn of events. Here we were watching a space rescue and out of nowhere these heads appear!

These big veiny headed folks, it seems, are the Talosians. Yes, an advanced race of beings who have amazing mind powers and wear lovely silvery robes, such simple tastes--and that was it. Not so much as a "until next time". That-was-it. Hopefully they'll pick back up tomorrow, but I've got one of the boys who does shampoos keeping an eye on the view screens. He's supposed to hail me at the first sign of an image so we can finish watching! I'll catch you up when we know more!

Talosian sporting some bling

Sunday, June 16, 2013

My Timegate 2013 Performance!

The folks who put together Timegate always have an AMAZING Cabaret to raise money for charity and I'm so lucky to be included among the talent. This year I performed a Dr Who themed Gilbert and Sullivan patter song for the crowd. In addition to that, it was Towel Day so I got to put the word out about my favorite holiday as the INTERGALACTIC TOWEL DAY AMBASSADOR!

 The Ken Spivey Band opened the show and of course, as always, they brought bananas to the party to throw into the audience. The second act was Colin Baker, the Sixth Doctor himself, and he read a wonderful poem he had written. I followed him onto the stage. As I noted in my act that is the perfect placement in the set: one, you want an audience loaded with throwable fruit, and two, you want to go on right after the headliner. I've always wondered what it would have been like to be on the Ed Sullivan Show that night the Beatles were guests, now I know.

 Here it is, I hope you enjoy it.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Happy 50th Doctor Who

Here's a little video of a song I like to call "Love Letter to Doctor Who". You see, I too am a traveler in time and space. Doctor who has two big hearts and I have two big...well, I have a heart that is too big, overflowing with my love of humanity and hair dressing. It's true.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Don't Forget Towel Day!

I sit down' with my little friend, Soxie, to chat about Towel Day. I think you'll get a "kick" out of this one!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Uhura: Landmark Interacial Kiss

It just wasn't the kiss you thought I was talking about. 

"Kirk, Schmirk. I'm going to the Chapel!"

Monday, March 18, 2013

More from Balok...

If you've been wondering what Balok was up to, wonder no more...

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Moxie Pod, Episode 10: The Corbomite Maneuver

Well dolls, this may not be the best webisode ever, but it marks my return to the interwebs! Yes, the renovation of Salonbay is done and I now have a new home from which to broadcast my adventures! This week it's all about Balok, that poor dear. Seems he left something behind on the Enterprise when he popped over to help Bailey gather up his things. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy...

Monday, January 28, 2013

Having an Episode: The Corbomite Maneuver

Dear Cosmetology log:

So, Uhura stopped by on the way to the bridge this morning looking like a re-heated redshirt. She was wearing that gold uniform again, which really isn't her color. The red really brings out the fire in her eyes. And besides, she works communications so according to regulations, her uniform is supposed to be red, after all this is work, not a cocktail party! I swear I'm going to have to ask Dr. McCoy if there's such thing as red/gold color blindness or if she's just trying to double her wardrobe. I just let it pass. I figured in the state she's in today, uniform color was the last thing she wanted to discuss.

Red/Yellow color blind
Anyhoo, she oozes into salonbay looking like yesterday's replicated meatloaf. Scotty sent her to me for my hangover remedy because he knows first hand how well it works. You see, last night at poker, she was very close to winning and, well, she just throws back the booze when she's nervous. More on the game in a minute. So, she comes in this morning sweating like a Vulcan at a comedy club and asks me about this traditional remedy I devised back in my days as an astrobiology student at Starfleet (yes, I did biology as my second major along with xeno-cosmetology).

Well, I sat her right down in a salon chair and got one of the girls to tidy her up while I mixed her up my little remedy. My remedy is no secret as I made it to aid mankind, not for personal gain so I'll pass it along to you. Here it is: one part corn syrup, one part botox and one part Vegemite. Take a teaspoon or two of that and your hangover will be 100% cured and it will numb your gastrointestinal track for at least the next week. There's one little side effect, explosive diarrhea, but you won't notice the stomach cramps because of the numbness. Stay close to a bathroom. (Which, believe me, is a little difficult on this ship.)  I used to just call it "my remedy" or "corn syrup/botox/vegemite combo", but Kirk shortened it to "cor-bo-mite" back when we were at the Academy together and that name just kinda stuck. And, incidentally, that was also back when our little poker night tradition started. 

Kirk knows the benefits and side effects of my Corbomite
Poker night has been a bit somber ever since Gary gained god-like power and we had to put him down. (Remember Gary Mitchell? He was with Kirk and me at Starfleet Academy, handsome, brown hair, silvery eyes that caught the light. You know, that guy Kirk buried beneath several tons of stone on Delta Vega.) Well, last night moods lightened a bit. I came in late; one of the girls had left the hair weave replicator on and we were waist deep in blonde curls before anyone realized, so I was late leaving salonbay. Anyhoo, When I got to the briefing room everyone already had their drinks and snacks and they were just waiting for little old me.

Poker night, as a tradition, started back when Jimmy Kirk, Gary Mitchell and I were at the Academy. Others would come and go, but we were the core group. In fact, I think Jimmy insisted on having Gary and I assigned to the Enterprise to try and make back some of his loses from those days. Now, here on the ship, we play every other Friday. That is, if we are not facing impending doom, which is more often then you might guess. We have a cap of ten players and we usually play at capacity, but since Gary died we've played with one chair empty. I've been pushing to give Spock an invite but everyone seems to think he would find the game distasteful since Vulcan's don't bluff, eat pretzels or (like Baptists) play cards.

Poker, I don't even know her
As for the other crew members with standing invites, first, of course there's Kirk and me. Kirk's plays an erratic game of poker, but he can't reprogram the game so he's had to get used to losing to me which really irritates him. Then there's McCoy who plays a solid game, but his eyes flash when he's got good cards so he's a little too easy to read. Chapel is always the first out. I swear, sometimes I wonder if she knows a heart from a spade. Sulu and Riley always come together. Riley plays an average game and Sulu is super competitive but loses his game when the heat is on. Rand is on the roster, but I think Kirk just likes to have her close so she can get him chips and fill his glass. She says she just plays for fun which must mean she gets her jollies from leaving empty handed, because believe me sister she always does. My real competition comes from Scotty and Uhura. Scotty can bluff like nobody ("That will take three days to fix." yeah right, while you sit down in engineering searching through e-harmony profiles and watching Orion Girls Gone Wild.) and Uhura can read the room faster than she reads those romance novels of hers (In 50 different languages). She's one sharp cookie. Gary was a pretty even match, but I'm really the player to watch, that's why they call me the Poker-oshi Maru.

So last night, the conversation turned to the position of recreational officer. You see, Gary served in that capacity in addition to his duties as helmsman and Kirk mentioned that we needed a replacement; you know, what with Gary being dead and all. Well, several people had a horse in that race. The position is pretty cushy; it doesn't require much, mostly delegation and signing off on activities. All the planning and executing are done by the rec staff. What makes the job so desirable is the perks that come with it. First of all, who doesn't love the rec officer. Second, you can push activities and destinations that you like the most; Gary liked to set up lots of hunting and hiking trips. He also liked visiting casino settlements and colonies with large, clean brothels (That wasn't bad for me because, as you know, those working girls always have some of the most experimental hairdos in the universe and when there are brothels around there are also good Korean beauty supply stores). Anyhoo, the biggest perk of the job is that it comes with new quarters. That's right, an apartment like suite with an amazing view and a jacuzzi inset tub!

Dr. McCoy's Ancestor, Julie McCoy with her captain and crew
Uhura mentioned right away that she was interested. Bones put in his two cents worth (which isn't much since we don't use money in the future). He's the favorite for the job because he comes from a long line of cruise directors. In fact, he has an ancestor who was one of the most celebrated and famous cruise directors of all time. There's been a cruise director in his family for more than 10 generations. His parents were so disappointed when he told them he was going to be a doctor. He wants the job, but Bones doesn't need the room. His quarters are already quite nice. Sulu and Riley both think the position should be theirs and Rand would like it but she really doesn't have the rank. Of course, I think I'm the right woman for the position, mostly because who else would look as fabulous as I in that inset tub filled with bubbles, sipping on a replicated mimosa?

Let's get physical
So, as the evening wore on and the alcohol begin to kick in, Uhura suggested that we play for the position. Kirk was out early but in good spirits and the mood was light enough that he agreed without thinking it through. Uhura was up in the game and looked like she'd take the pot. Bones, Sulu, Riley, Scotty, and myself were still in. The gloves came off. Scotty wisely just took what he'd won and kicked back to watch the rest of us scramble for the prize. We quickly eliminated Riley and Sulu. The game came down to me, Bones and Uhura. With the pressure on Uhura started really guzzling the Saurian brandy. She never realizes how drunk she's getting on that stuff because she likes to mix it with Coca Cola and lime. I thought we were going to be there all night, but Kirk suggested we play one last round, winner take all. That round turned out to be a nail biter. Well, it's true what they say: Those unlucky in love have the cards on their side and I did. I had a full house: Kings and Aces. Uhura had three jacks and Bones had a pair of queens (not Riley and Sulu mind you). Bones was fuming! Kirk had to agree to come in tomorrow for his long overdue physical just to calm him down. And that's how I became the rec officer and got the sweetest new pad! (and yes, we do say pad, and groovy too, in the future.)

There are no hard feelings between Uhrua and I today, but Bones is fit to be tied. I sent Uhura off to the bridge, she still looks a little rough, but it's going to be a slow day of star mapping so she'll be fine. I'll avoid Bones until things calm down a bit. He can take it out on Kirk during his physical today.


Rubic's cube
I was called to the bridge. Kirk wanted to meet with all the department heads. Some kind of Rubic's cube flew up and blocked our path. Bailey, the navigator reported that it was 1593 meters away from us. Sulu said it's mass was around 11000 metric tonnes. Scotty said it was a solid cube and he didn't get how it could move. Bailey suggested we blow it up. I said I thought it was really really pretty and wouldn't it make a nice lamp, the way it spins and everything, kind of like a lava lamp. We'd have to make it smaller of course.

"Hey, did that noise come from you?"
Kirk wanted us to all to get together in the briefing room to decide what course of action we were going to take. We were in there forever! I finally said "Look, either sh*t or get off the pot. It doesn't have hair or need it's nails done so I'm going back to salonbay where I can be useful. You can reach me there." Uhura took my suggestion literally. The Corbomite has really kicked in. She still doesn't look so good, but she did say she feels fine.

Well, I was working on Tina Lawton's hair when we blasted that cube. There was really no warning. Now, as an aside, I have never understood why the safety division of Starfleet was eliminated by the Federation Council or how the anti-seat belt lobby ever became that powerful. Some say it is a deliberate attempt at population control. Others buy the Heavyco conspiracy theory (Heavyco is the company that owns the monopoly in gravity plating). No matter what the reason for the policy, I directly defied all orders and regulations by making sure all of the salon chairs in salonbay are equipped with black market, contraband seat belts that I personally obtained through my connections deep within the Orion Syndicate. (Oh, Computer, strike this last paragraph from my log.)

Seat belts? Too much to ask?
Anyhoo, I was working on Tina's hair when the ship listed sharply starboard. We decided the best way to fix the damage was just to shave the poor child bald. Luckily, this style is currently very popular due to my very own research (The article "The Deltan Placebo Effect" was published in The New England Journal of Medicine, The Vulcan Science Academy Journal and UFP Cosmetology Weekly). I ordered salonbay shut down until further notice. I'm going to see if I can get security to assign some redshirts to help me pack. After all, I've got a new cabin to move into.

Anyone who has a ship that big is compensating for something
Well, there's no point finishing with the packing until I find out if I'm going to live through the next ten minutes. I swear, if I had a credit for every time my life was in danger; I'd have a lot of credits (and nothing to buy because, did I mention, we don't use money in the future). Some alien named Bollocks has flown his massive ship up and told us to get ready to die. The pictures of him have spread around the ship like wildfire. The captain wanted me on the bridge. He wanted my input. I said all I knew is with a ship that big the captain had to be overcompensating for something and since this alien has no hair I don't see the point of making my way to the bridge unless he wants me to get started on a wig. That made me think: I did suggest working up some of those salonbay simulations of how different hairdos would look on Ballocks that we could send over. After all, a successful makeover is the antidote to aggression. That has been proven by medical science again and again. (Oprah single-handedly did her part in the Eugenics Wars of the 90's) Jim changed his mind and said maybe I could get the doctor off his back by calming Bailey down.

I found Bailey in his quarters. He was weeping, positively squealing, like a Tellerite child. I ordered him to quit blubbering and to walk with me. He asked me how we could have ended up in such a situation and I told him to think of his "WAWOHA" training. (See my post WAWOHA: Why Are We Out Here Anyway). I reminded him of the mission. I told him to think of all the good things that have come from space exploration. I made him remember the unicorns. Then I reminded him that if he was going to die or be disabled in space he'd get a lot more compensation if he was on duty. I've never seen a man move that fast.

Nothing like coffee to take your mind off death
I ran into Janice in the rec room. She was trying to get coffee out of the replicator but non-essential power was down. I told her to check the galley for half empty cups from this morning, pour them together and heat them with a hand phaser. Nobody will know.

I guess I should continue packing, not for my new quarters but for the planet on which we are about to be abandoned. Balok (not Ballocks as I previously thought though the latter does match the shape of his head) is going to escort us to a suitable world and then destroy my new cabin (along with the rest of the ship). Get this, Kirk told Balok that all UFP ships contain a substance called "corbomite" that creates an equal and opposite deadly force when attacked. What a hoot! It apparently kept Balok from firing on us (although Uhura probably knows about equal and opposite explosive forces right now.)

I like long walks on the beach and puppies
Instead of packing, I decided instead to see if I could help out and find out who this Balok is. I did what any single girl would do and I checked the computer to see if I could find his profile. Well, there was an interesting one on eHarmony. I took one look at it and knew right away that this guy was blowing smoke up our miniskirts. First off, he said he was 7 feet tall and weighed 50 pounds--that had to be a lie. Then he said he had an Olympic gold medal but I couldn't find any Olympic medalists named Balok. Before I could tell the captain the ship was rocking all over the place and we had broken free of that tractor beam.

Is this tranya roofied?
Well, Bones and Kirk came back from Balok's ship. Seems they left Bailey over there. As I suspected Balok was using fake pictures in his profile on eHarmony. He doesn't look anything like that bubble headed Don Juan he was trying to pass himself off as. When they got back, Kirk and Bones were so hopped up on Tranya they were just ready to let Baily be whisked off into space by someone we just met. I sat right down and explained to Jim that a girlfriend doesn't abandon another girlfriend on a first date. For all we know Balok could be a real creep. I convinced Jim to go by the books although I think the Tranya made him real open to any and all suggestions. Anyhoo, we're going to be here a few days to get the paperwork and clearance for the inter-species exchange program. That way, we will have at least covered ourselves if Balok turns out to be on of those crazy "To Serve Man" types.


After meeting him, I don't think Balok is a threat. He just has a little self-esteem problem and needs to learn the lesson that Ruth got back with that whole Venus drug incident. I told him, "Put down the tranya and be the best you, you can be. 'Cause no one can love you until you love yourself." I told him all about Ruth and how she got pretty from within. But I wanted to be realistic. I told him she started with a little more paint on her palette, so to speak, than he had. I convinced Balok to come over and let us replicate him a few wigs that he can wear for some new profile pictures. I told him we could make him look a little more masculine and intimidating if we ditch the silver headband and get him some pointy sideburns. Oh and we're gonna trim those bushy brows.
Having a laugh with Balok

When Balok got to Salonbay he had a terrible Tranya hangover. I mixed him up my hangover remedy and he said "What do you call this?" I said, "That, my friend, is corbomite." With that we both threw our heads back and laughed and laughed! I stopped laughing before he did, but it was so awkward I just pretended to laugh some more.

Oh and I almost forgot. When Kirk came staggering back and smelling of tranya he called me right up. He said he'd found a tenth for our next poker night. He slurred out something about someone wanting to know more about the game, and then I think he must have passed out because the com went all silent. I wonder who that tenth player could be? I guess I'll find out soon enough!