Monday, July 22, 2013

Having an Episode: The Managerie Pt. 1

You're never going to believe what has happened.

Starbase 11
First of all we were sent a message from Captain Pike, he's that dashing former captain of the Enterprise as you well know. Well, he said it was very urgent so we, of course, dropped everything. We were actually just out patrolling, after all, hoping to run into some kind of planetary system with life, so it was really no problem to turn around. Well, when I heard where we were going I just about wet myself--Starbase 11! I just adore Starbase 11. First of all, I photograph very well in front of polished chrome and purple skies. But more importantly, not only is there is a Korean Super Beauty Mart on Starbase 11 but they have the best sushi outside of earth of course! There's this little place called Zero G Roller Disco and Sushi Palace. It is, hands down, one of a kind. So, I got some of the girls together and immediately pulled some strings for a landing pass. Jimmy, Captain Kirk, said I can go down right away with the supply team but the girls would have to wait until we knew more about what was going on. Fine. So I told the girls that they should be able to meet up with me later and if not we could go tomorrow because I was sure we'd be in port for a few days.

Miss Piper: a bag of rocks in a red dress
I ran into Kirk, Spock and McCoy in the transporter room. They were off to see Commodore Mendez. They called down earlier and Mendez said he would send Miss Piper to meet them when they arrive. We all laughed about that one. They'll be lucky if she finds her way out of the office. I swear, she can't even use the automatic doors! I met her a few times on Starbase 11, I've even done her hair, and let me just say that nepotism is alive and well in Starfleet, if you know what I mean. How else could you expalin it?

Well, as soon as I entered the Beauty Mart, I got a call saying I was needed back on board. They couldn't tell me anything specific only that I had to return immediately. They couldn't beam me out of the Beauty Mart. Everyone knows that Korean beauty supply stores are transporter shielded. Now, you see, we, in general, don't use money in the future. However, no one bothered to tell the owners of Korean beauty supply stores that and so they insist on the old fashioned system of payment for goods or services. Thus the shield. It didn't take them long to realize that people were just beaming in, grabbing hair tracks, weave and Styrofoam heads and "Poof" beaming back out. Anyhoo, you've never seen anyone run through a store so quickly. I was snatching up piles of human hair, Vulcan hair, Andorian hair--yes, yes, these can be replicated but the real stuff can't be matched. I actually got out of the store in less than ten minutes (and that, my friends is how to snatch a weave, Moxie style). I ran out and past the transporter shield and had the transporter crew beam me right up.

Pike in a Skaro Scoot-A-Round
So, I got back to the ship and what was the big emergency. Well, there sat Captain Pike. He was in a box, granted a nice streamlined box, but a box none the less. At first I thought it was vintage Galactic Empire Imperial Senate. I'm very good at identifying these things. There were a couple of tip offs that is was a knock off. I bet it's part of that Scoot-A-Round line of chairs made on the planet Skaro. I had a bio-lab internship on Skaro right out of Starfleet Academy--top secret security clearance. I was a lab assistant for a scientist named Davros who was working on some revolutionary genetic experiments. I recognized the chair because Davros used to tool around in one himself but his had a little more decoration, big silver orbs if I recall correctly. We used to laugh so hard; he was always such a jovial man, never without a smile. He fell head over heels for me and I just didn't think of him that way, so I thought it best to request a transfer. Well, he apparently went off the deep end after that--became a real ass. I wonder what became of him? Oh, but I digress.

So there sat Pike and I saw immediately why I'd been called back: his hair was screaming red alert. Well, there's really no communicating with Chris Pike anymore. They had this system set up for him where he can beep to answer yes or no questions. Of course the first thing I suggested is that we get Mr. Spock to mind meld with him. I swear, you would have thought I was speaking Klingonese the way everyone looked at me. I just didn't push it. So I asked him, "Chris, What do you want us to do with that hair?" Well, he gave me quite a look and I'd realized what I'd done so I rephrased the question. "Would you like a little color in that hair of yours."
I've been a very very bad.

He beeped and I just couldn't remember how many beeps was yes and how many was no. I got Spock on the com and he straightened me out. Well, when Pike heard Spock's voice he just started beeping. "Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep." Which I translated, with my new knowledge, as "No, no, no." Well, I had no idea what that was about. I thought I'd better makes some excuse and let him calm down, so I told him I was going to go and get some hair dye ready.

Well, before I got to salonbay all hell had broken loose. The ship is now locked on course. We've plucked Jim and Commodore Mendez out of a shuttle. Spock is under arrest. Seems we're off to Talos IV. That's not good, not good at all. There is a sushi roller disco heaven that is going to be missing an angel tonight.

Um. What is that thing?
Well, everything is on autopilot so no one has anything to do. Jim, Scotty, Bones and Mendez are all at the hearing for Mr. Spock. You're not going to believe this, dear cosmelog, but Spock mutinied! He stole the ship and set it on a unalterable course to Talos IV. Well, it would be funny, but visiting Talos IV is the only crime still punishable by death so we're all unclear if that applies just to Mr. Spock or if we should all get our affairs in order.  

You remember how I told you in my previous blog about making Spock our tenth for poker night? Well, I think Spock has just taken the whole thing a little bit too seriously. He has really been working on his bluffing skills. First he had to get past telling everyone that he was bluffing. He'd say "I will see you're bet Captain, and I will raise it 10 credits. However, I am bluffing." He lost everything the first few games. Now he's doing quite well. He's even gotten past raising his eyebrow whenever he gets good cards. Anyhoo, I think this whole bluffing thing and "Vulcans don't bluff" thing has just driven him off the deep end. Who knows what he's up to.

Movie Night!
Well, anyway, everyone is bored to tears. Spabay is booked solid. Salon bay is dead, no one seems to need a hair cut because we've already given everyone one. Everyone is just about tumbled out at the gym. Why, if I have to play another game of Three-dimensional Monopoly or Pan-dimensional Life I will beam myself into the void of space!

I was sitting around salonbay with the girls and all the screens on the ship started showing footage of Captain Pike and the old crew of the Enterprise when they went to Talos IV back in the old days. Seems it's somehow part of Spock's Trial. For a Vulcan, that little man is so dramatic. I don't know how he put this together, but we are all glued to the screen. I ordered salonbay closed and immediately, in my position as cruise director, ordered that we all go to the rec rooms, replicate some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Number one sporting a Lois Lane cut
Well, I'm not so good at telling stories but this is the story so far as we can tell from the transmissions: Thirteen years ago Pike was captain of the Enterprise. He was such a handsome fellow. Those sky blue eyes and that dark hair. He was simply dashing. Well they were going somewhere, I didn't get that. I was too busy looking at his first officer's hair. It's the style we used to call the Lois Lane, very popular over a decade ago. The other thing I kept focusing on was Mr. Spock's brows. I'm so glad he finally let me convince him that they needed regular waxing. "It's not logical. It's not logical." I finally said "How's this for logic: IF you want your Vulcan bangs trimmed THEN you're going to have to let me do something about that V shaped unibrow." I wouldn't let any of my girls go near him with their scissors until he agreed.

I'm a doctor AND a bartender (and a mechanic)
Then there was a part where good old Dr. Boise was talking to Chris. He said. "I'm a Doctor AND a bartender. I prescribe hard liquor." We all had a good laugh at that one. And then Chris was all like, "Doctor, Doctor, I just can't do this anymore. I want to ride horses or sell slaves or whatnot." Boise was like, "No way" or something. I got a little lost in the clothes. I had forgotten all about the mechanic jump suits doctors used to wear. The old uniforms just weren't as class as the new. Without a doubt the new red, blue and gold uniforms will be around for centuries to come. Seriously, does the mini skirt EVER go out of style?

Let's see where was I. Oh, the story. So, they sent a landing party down to Talos IV. There was like a geriatric outpost there, or a retirement ship of some kind had crashed there, or something. I know it had to do with a bunch of old men, stranded. So, they beamed down. They had these nice little jackets on, a bit bulky, but maybe Starfleet should think about bringing back the jacket. Those uniforms did make it a little more difficult to identify members of your landing party though. I mean nothing says "Security! Here I am! Use me as a human shield!" like a red shirt.

Vina in her macrame survival skirt
So anyway, mixed in with all the oldies was this young woman, Vina. Well, she obviously knew something about cast-away fashion. She had tailored one of men's shirts to fit her perfectly. Her hair had that teased, perfectly fixed, space vixen look. She had some how managed to find eye make-up in the rubble of that old space wreck, probably just soot left from the fire, and lipstick, probably animal fat mixed with berries or the blood of some local fauna thickened with goose fat. I don't know if they had goose fat, but it sure does stay on your lips; well, as long as you don't lick them; goos fat does taste real good; if you like that sort of thing. Anyhoo, she looked stunning! But the piece de resistance was her skirt. It reminded me of that little number that salt vampire wore, you know the one, the viney thing. Well, Vina must have natural talent for fashion or one of those old men in that party must have some wicked macrame skills because the dress was smashing! SMASHING!

Well, before you know it Vina and the Oldies just up and disappeared and these big headed bald people came out and abducted Pike. Took him right into this cave elevator. We were all surprised by that turn of events. Here we were watching a space rescue and out of nowhere these heads appear!

These big veiny headed folks, it seems, are the Talosians. Yes, an advanced race of beings who have amazing mind powers and wear lovely silvery robes, such simple tastes--and that was it. Not so much as a "until next time". That-was-it. Hopefully they'll pick back up tomorrow, but I've got one of the boys who does shampoos keeping an eye on the view screens. He's supposed to hail me at the first sign of an image so we can finish watching! I'll catch you up when we know more!

Talosian sporting some bling


  1. I love your blog. I am introducing my 13 year old son to classic Star Trek and I'll be blogging about each episode as we go.

    Aaron (Dreaming About Other Worlds).

  2. Thank you! I always like to know that people are reading my blog for fun (and not just for biological reference information on unicorn species.) I've added your blog to those that I follow and I'm going to put a link to it here on my page if you don't mind!

    Live long and prosper (and moisturize)