Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Having an Episode: The Managerie Pt. 2

Knowing me, Knowing you...
I was having breakfast in the rec room when Miller, the hair washing boy I was telling you about, came running in to tell me that the transmissions had started again. I left my tray where it was and made a bee-line for salonbay. People were already beginning to gather around the screens. Rebecca Blum, the one who works down in the shuttle bay, was there along with all of the salonbay crew. Funny thing, this Spock court martial hearing is supposed to be closed, but the Talosians are broadcasting images all over the ship. And how nice of them to start with a recap of where we were when we left off last time. They must be powerful beings because they actually started with images of Kirk, Spock and Mendez with a voice over of the captain's log! Yes, right there on the view screens. There was Spock as clear as day--I was a little put of by his bangs. They weren't quite as straight as they should be. One of the new girls cut his bangs last time he came in and she just wasn't up for the job. Why, she taped them right down to his head and proceeded to cut right across. Well, the result was less than perfect. Anyhoo, his hair does have quite a lustrous sheen (Andorian placental rinse).

The shots of Mr. Spock and Commodore Mendez are obviously a Talosian homage to ABBA. I think they threw that in just to show they are a super-civilized alien race that recognizes a good pop song when they hear it. These little touches are important. They show that we are not dealing with some redneck alien life form from the ass-end of the galaxy. Oh no, we are dealing with beings of such advancement that they are using our own earth masterpieces of a lost medium, music video, to bridge the gap between us. Verily, I ask, can anyone who loves ABBA be truely evil? No, the answer is definitively no.

So, last we saw, Pike had been taken prisoner. We were on our way to Talos IV, a forbidden planet. Contact with Talos IV is the last offense punishable by death. We are still unsure if we all face the death penalty here or just Spock, but I'm sure someone will clear that up at some point.

Now all the Keeper needs is a grill, a pimp hat and a fly cane
On the screen, we rejoined Pike in a prison cell, actually, more like an enclosure at the zoo. It reminded me of the old style monkey houses, the ones they had at zoos before the apes became hyper-intelligent and threatened to bring down the Statue of Liberty. Well, the Talosians came in and the fabric they were wearing was to die for! It's a metallic fabric made of silver. It catches the light like a dream! The Keeper, the head Talosian, wore another symbol meant to display knowledge of old earth. I believe it is what was once referred to as "bling". I think I can identify this particular artifact of "bling" as something called a Mercedes hood ornament, whatever that may be. Well, their talk went something like this:

Pike: Hey, what the...
Keeper: See, Humans are dumb. He's just figuring out we are telepathic.
Pike: Why I outta...
Keeper: Now he's gonna put on a show.
Pike: Hey! (He throws himself against the transparency)
Keeper: Let's experiment on it.

Little in the middle but they got much back of the head
It went something like that. While they were talking on the screen I leaned over to Rebecca (the one from the shuttle deck) and I said of the Talosians "Oh, my God, Becky, look at their butt-heads! They are sooooo big." The Talosians heads look just like butts, butts with pulsing veins. I said, "I can't believe they're just so round, they're like, out there."

As living beings evolve in intelligence, it seems they often loose their hair. I find this distressing. Surely the loss of hair and hair ornamentation denotes a decline in civilization. Isn't that obvious. The real reason the Talosians need humans is for their hair. Without hair to style, boredom sets in. When beings can no longer tease and trim and ornament a healthy, full head of hair they loose their will to live. That is what happened to these poor beasts! That is what really drove them underground. But I digress.

Next, we saw the crew back on the ship. There was Dr. Boyce and the younger bushy-browed Spock, the one called Number One with the Lois Lane hairdo, another pert little red-headed girl and two young men- one blond and one brunette. I have no idea what they were talking about, something about weapons. I was too busy looking at the girl's hair and trying to decide if the boys were hot or not.

A "before" shot of the Flamingo Hotel and Casino
Before I could really catch up with the story, we were back with the Talosians. They decided to mentally send Pike to Rigel VII. I recognized the palace right off; they call it the Flamingo Hotel now. Back in Pike's day that part of Rigel VII was overrun with tribes of Kaylar warriors. Since that time, Rigel VII has become a full member of the Federation and the Kaylar have abandoned their warrior ways and opened Casinos! The palace, or rather the Flamingo, looks the same. There's just lots more neon now.

So, Pike and Vina are at the palace on Rigel VII. I can only assume the Keeper told Vina to really play it big, because she really goes over the top, screaming and flailing her arms. I suppose the Talosians were in a hurry to put them there because they really didn't spend much time on her hair. They braided a ribbon in a hairpiece and hot glued it to a headband. It was passable, but not for a damsel in distress--her hair was certainly in distress! I guess they didn't think Pike would notice that much, but I bet that's why he didn't fall for her right away.

Pike killed the warrior and suddenly, he and Vina were back in the cage. Now, that was a hair do. Vina looked lovely in the silver dress and the bob.

Back on the surface the crew beamed down with an old style laser cannon to try and blow open the entrance to the Talosian lair. They were unable to. I saw the problem right away but no one else seemed to notice. You see, laser cannons have a "laser light show" setting and it was pretty obvious from the technicolor blast that they had it set to "firework display" and not "pulverize".

First Talosian Church: Services are a Real Blast
Now we were back underground with Vina and that handsome Captain Pike. They were going on about the Talosians. There was something about them moving underground. I think they started worshiping an undetonated nuclear warhead or something; I may have gotten that confused with something I saw somewhere else. Truthfully, I couldn't get past their blue eyes. Both Vina and Pike have such lovely eyes. I had a hard time concentrating on anything they said because I was just swimming in those azure pools!

There was something about breeding and Adam and Eve, and then Vina disappeared, and then Pike was in a burning pit, and, oh yes, at that point Pike learned that Vina was real, and that the Talosians couldn't read through hate. I started to tune things out a little. I flipped through a UFP Hair Today magazine. But then it started to get interesting again.

There was Vina in a shady clearing in the woods. She and Pike were having a nice little picnic. Now, her hair was the picture of perfection! I was sure the Talosians were trying harder, such lovely blonde locks! Well, then things really got intersting.

Chartreuse Chanteuse in her Gorn Skin Getup
Pike was the owner of a cabaret on the boarder with the Orion Syndicate. I recognized the type of place right away (as you may well know, I spent my youth working as slave labor in the great wig factories of the Orion Syndicate). It was obviously one of those smaller places out in the planetary provinces. Vina was now a green Orion slave girl but not one of the classy ones. Her hair was just a mess; it flowed down her back like run-off from a storm drain. And what was she wearing? Some kind of glitterly lizard skin! Talk about girls Gorn wild. That may appeal to those with a lizard fettish, but it was just a little too much. I suppose that's what some men find titillating.

"I will NOT mate with these chicks."
Before things could get good, we were back in the cage. Vina was there, as wild as the jolly green giantess stepping out of a wind tunnel. But before you could say "boo" the two women from the enterprise were there. Well, it got a little too catty for me from there--I hate seeing ladies fight over men--so I just went back to my magazine. There was a five page spread on the UFP hair show on Andoria that I just got lost in (lots of hair whitening products).

When I looked back up they had broken out of the cage and were on the surface of the planet. The exchange went something like this:

Keeper: Hey, now that we got you up to the surface you can start breeding. Don't mind me.
Pike: Send these two back and I'll stay with Vina.
Number One: Oh no you don't. I'll see you in hell first. (She set her phaser to overload.)
Other Talosians: We've gone through their stuff. Wanna know what we found?
Keeper: (mentally incorporating human data and turning to Pike) Oh, You bitches is crazy.
Vina: Sigh. That means you're free to go.

That was when I noticed Number One's blue nails. Such refinement.

You had to go and muss her hair too!
The ladies were beamed back up to the ship. The Talosians told Pike that Vina was the sole survivor of a crash on their planet and they put her back together the best they could. They showed Pike what Vina really looked like. She was a hot mess, bless her heart. Now really, did they have to go and muss up her hair too? Well, at that point Pike really tucked tail and ran. Men, I swear.

So they left Talos IV and that was that. All in all it was great entertainment, but I missed the point. I mean really, how is that going to get Spock off?

But it wasn't over! It seems that Commodore Mendez was never on board. Spock set all this court martial nonsense up just to bring Pike back to Talos IV. Now Pike won't have to spend the rest of his life in a bleeping chair! He and Vina can now breed in their perfect illusory bodies for bus loads of Thalosian school children to watch! Starbase 11 has also contacted us and let Spock (or maybe, all of us) off the hook. None of us will die today! Yipee! What an amazing ruse! I will say it was much better than that mystery dinner theater I went to at the Flamingo on Rigel VII a year ago. Maybe Spock should be the cruise director.
Ho Ho Ho, Green Goddess