Having an Episode: The Managerie Pt. 2

Knowing me, Knowing you...

I was having breakfast in the rec room when Miller, the hair washing boy I was telling you about, came running in to tell me that the transmissions had started again. I left my tray where it was and made a bee-line for salonbay. People were already beginning to gather around the screens. Rebecca Blum, the one who works down in the shuttle bay, was there along with all of the salonbay crew. Funny thing, this Spock court martial hearing is supposed to be closed, but the Talosians are broadcasting images all over the ship. And how nice of them to start with a recap of where we were when we left off last time. They must be powerful beings because they actually started with images of Kirk, Spock and Mendez with a voice over of the captain's log! Yes, right there on the view screens. There was Spock as clear as day--I was a little put of by his bangs. They weren't quite as straight as they should be. One of the new girls cut his bangs last time he came in and she just wasn't up for the job. Why, she taped them right down to his head and proceeded to cut right across. Well, the result was less than perfect. Anyhoo, his hair does have quite a lustrous sheen (Andorian placental rinse).

The shots of Mr. Spock and Commodore Mendez are obviously a Talosian homage to ABBA. I think they threw that in just to show they are a super-civilized alien race that recognizes a good pop song when they hear it. These little touches are important. They show that we are not dealing with some redneck alien life form from the ass-end of the galaxy. Oh no, we are dealing with beings of such advancement that they are using our own earth masterpieces of a lost medium, music video, to bridge the gap between us. Verily, I ask, can anyone who loves ABBA be truely evil? No, the answer is definitively no.

So, last we saw, Pike had been taken prisoner. We were on our way to Talos IV, a forbidden planet. Contact with Talos IV is the last offense punishable by death. We are still unsure if we all face the death penalty here or just Spock, but I'm sure someone will clear that up at some point.

Now all the Keeper needs is a grill, a pimp hat and a fly cane

On the screen, we rejoined Pike in a prison cell, actually, more like an enclosure at the zoo. It reminded me of the old style monkey houses, the ones they had at zoos before the apes became hyper-intelligent and threatened to bring down the Statue of Liberty. Well, the Talosians came in and the fabric they were wearing was to die for! It's a metallic fabric made of silver. It catches the light like a dream! The Keeper, the head Talosian, wore another symbol meant to display knowledge of old earth. I believe it is what was once referred to as "bling". I think I can identify this particular artifact of "bling" as something called a Mercedes hood ornament, whatever that may be. Well, their talk went something like this:

Pike: Hey, what the...
Keeper: See, Humans are dumb. He's just figuring out we are telepathic.
Pike: Why I outta...
Keeper: Now he's gonna put on a show.
Pike: Hey! (He throws himself against the transparency)
Keeper: Let's experiment on it.

Little in the middle but they got much back of the head

It went something like that. While they were talking on the screen I leaned over to Rebecca (the one from the shuttle deck) and I said of the Talosians "Oh, my God, Becky, look at their butt-heads! They are sooooo big." The Talosians heads look just like butts, butts with pulsing veins. I said, "I can't believe they're just so round, they're like, out there."

As living beings evolve in intelligence, it seems they often loose their hair. I find this distressing. Surely the loss of hair and hair ornamentation denotes a decline in civilization. Isn't that obvious. The real reason the Talosians need humans is for their hair. Without hair to style, boredom sets in. When beings can no longer tease and trim and ornament a healthy, full head of hair they loose their will to live. That is what happened to these poor beasts! That is what really drove them underground. But I digress.

Next, we saw the crew back on the ship. There was Dr. Boyce and the younger bushy-browed Spock, the one called Number One with the Lois Lane hairdo, another pert little red-headed girl and two young men- one blond and one brunette. I have no idea what they were talking about, something about weapons. I was too busy looking at the girl's hair and trying to decide if the boys were hot or not.

A "before" shot of the Flamingo Hotel and Casino

Before I could really catch up with the story, we were back with the Talosians. They decided to mentally send Pike to Rigel VII. I recognized the palace right off; they call it the Flamingo Hotel now. Back in Pike's day that part of Rigel VII was overrun with tribes of Kaylar warriors. Since that time, Rigel VII has become a full member of the Federation and the Kaylar have abandoned their warrior ways and opened Casinos! The palace, or rather the Flamingo, looks the same. There's just lots more neon now.

So, Pike and Vina are at the palace on Rigel VII. I can only assume the Keeper told Vina to really play it big, because she really goes over the top, screaming and flailing her arms. I suppose the Talosians were in a hurry to put them there because they really didn't spend much time on her hair. They braided a ribbon in a hairpiece and hot glued it to a headband. It was passable, but not for a damsel in distress--her hair was certainly in distress! I guess they didn't think Pike would notice that much, but I bet that's why he didn't fall for her right away.

Pike killed the warrior and suddenly, he and Vina were back in the cage. Now, that was a hair do. Vina looked lovely in the silver dress and the bob.

Back on the surface the crew beamed down with an old style laser cannon to try and blow open the entrance to the Talosian lair. They were unable to. I saw the problem right away but no one else seemed to notice. You see, laser cannons have a "laser light show" setting and it was pretty obvious from the technicolor blast that they had it set to "firework display" and not "pulverize".

First Talosian Church: Services are a Real Blast

Now we were back underground with Vina and that handsome Captain Pike. They were going on about the Talosians. There was something about them moving underground. I think they started worshiping an undetonated nuclear warhead or something; I may have gotten that confused with something I saw somewhere else. Truthfully, I couldn't get past their blue eyes. Both Vina and Pike have such lovely eyes. I had a hard time concentrating on anything they said because I was just swimming in those azure pools!

There was something about breeding and Adam and Eve, and then Vina disappeared, and then Pike was in a burning pit, and, oh yes, at that point Pike learned that Vina was real, and that the Talosians couldn't read through hate. I started to tune things out a little. I flipped through a UFP Hair Today magazine. But then it started to get interesting again.

There was Vina in a shady clearing in the woods. She and Pike were having a nice little picnic. Now, her hair was the picture of perfection! I was sure the Talosians were trying harder, such lovely blonde locks! Well, then things really got intersting.

Chartreuse Chanteuse in her Gorn Skin Getup

Pike was the owner of a cabaret on the boarder with the Orion Syndicate. I recognized the type of place right away (as you may well know, I spent my youth working as slave labor in the great wig factories of the Orion Syndicate). It was obviously one of those smaller places out in the planetary provinces. Vina was now a green Orion slave girl but not one of the classy ones. Her hair was just a mess; it flowed down her back like run-off from a storm drain. And what was she wearing? Some kind of glitterly lizard skin! Talk about girls Gorn wild. That may appeal to those with a lizard fettish, but it was just a little too much. I suppose that's what some men find titillating.

"I will NOT mate with these chicks."

Before things could get good, we were back in the cage. Vina was there, as wild as the jolly green giantess stepping out of a wind tunnel. But before you could say "boo" the two women from the enterprise were there. Well, it got a little too catty for me from there--I hate seeing ladies fight over men--so I just went back to my magazine. There was a five page spread on the UFP hair show on Andoria that I just got lost in (lots of hair whitening products).

When I looked back up they had broken out of the cage and were on the surface of the planet. The exchange went something like this:

Keeper: Hey, now that we got you up to the surface you can start breeding. Don't mind me.
Pike: Send these two back and I'll stay with Vina.
Number One: Oh no you don't. I'll see you in hell first. (She set her phaser to overload.)
Other Talosians: We've gone through their stuff. Wanna know what we found?
Keeper: (mentally incorporating human data and turning to Pike) Oh, You bitches is crazy.
Vina: Sigh. That means you're free to go.

That was when I noticed Number One's blue nails. Such refinement.

You had to go and muss her hair too!

The ladies were beamed back up to the ship. The Talosians told Pike that Vina was the sole survivor of a crash on their planet and they put her back together the best they could. They showed Pike what Vina really looked like. She was a hot mess, bless her heart. Now really, did they have to go and muss up her hair too? Well, at that point Pike really tucked tail and ran. Men, I swear.

So they left Talos IV and that was that. All in all it was great entertainment, but I missed the point. I mean really, how is that going to get Spock off?

But it wasn't over! It seems that Commodore Mendez was never on board. Spock set all this court martial nonsense up just to bring Pike back to Talos IV. Now Pike won't have to spend the rest of his life in a bleeping chair! He and Vina can now breed in their perfect illusory bodies for bus loads of Thalosian school children to watch! Starbase 11 has also contacted us and let Spock (or maybe, all of us) off the hook. None of us will die today! Yipee! What an amazing ruse! I will say it was much better than that mystery dinner theater I went to at the Flamingo on Rigel VII a year ago. Maybe Spock should be the cruise director.

Ho Ho Ho, Green Goddess

...

Having an Episode: The Managerie Pt. 1

You're never going to believe what has happened.

Starbase 11

First of all we were sent a message from Captain Pike, he's that dashing former captain of the Enterprise as you well know. Well, he said it was very urgent so we, of course, dropped everything. We were actually just out patrolling, after all, hoping to run into some kind of planetary system with life, so it was really no problem to turn around. Well, when I heard where we were going I just about wet myself--Starbase 11! I just adore Starbase 11. First of all, I photograph very well in front of polished chrome and purple skies. But more importantly, not only is there is a Korean Super Beauty Mart on Starbase 11 but they have the best sushi outside of earth of course! There's this little place called Zero G Roller Disco and Sushi Palace. It is, hands down, one of a kind. So, I got some of the girls together and immediately pulled some strings for a landing pass. Jimmy, Captain Kirk, said I can go down right away with the supply team but the girls would have to wait until we knew more about what was going on. Fine. So I told the girls that they should be able to meet up with me later and if not we could go tomorrow because I was sure we'd be in port for a few days.

Miss Piper: a bag of rocks in a red dress

I ran into Kirk, Spock and McCoy in the transporter room. They were off to see Commodore Mendez. They called down earlier and Mendez said he would send Miss Piper to meet them when they arrive. We all laughed about that one. They'll be lucky if she finds her way out of the office. I swear, she can't even use the automatic doors! I met her a few times on Starbase 11, I've even done her hair, and let me just say that nepotism is alive and well in Starfleet, if you know what I mean. How else could you expalin it?

Well, as soon as I entered the Beauty Mart, I got a call saying I was needed back on board. They couldn't tell me anything specific only that I had to return immediately. They couldn't beam me out of the Beauty Mart. Everyone knows that Korean beauty supply stores are transporter shielded. Now, you see, we, in general, don't use money in the future. However, no one bothered to tell the owners of Korean beauty supply stores that and so they insist on the old fashioned system of payment for goods or services. Thus the shield. It didn't take them long to realize that people were just beaming in, grabbing hair tracks, weave and Styrofoam heads and "Poof" beaming back out. Anyhoo, you've never seen anyone run through a store so quickly. I was snatching up piles of human hair, Vulcan hair, Andorian hair--yes, yes, these can be replicated but the real stuff can't be matched. I actually got out of the store in less than ten minutes (and that, my friends is how to snatch a weave, Moxie style). I ran out and past the transporter shield and had the transporter crew beam me right up.

Pike in a Skaro Scoot-A-Round

So, I got back to the ship and what was the big emergency. Well, there sat Captain Pike. He was in a box, granted a nice streamlined box, but a box none the less. At first I thought it was vintage Galactic Empire Imperial Senate. I'm very good at identifying these things. There were a couple of tip offs that is was a knock off. I bet it's part of that Scoot-A-Round line of chairs made on the planet Skaro. I had a bio-lab internship on Skaro right out of Starfleet Academy--top secret security clearance. I was a lab assistant for a scientist named Davros who was working on some revolutionary genetic experiments. I recognized the chair because Davros used to tool around in one himself but his had a little more decoration, big silver orbs if I recall correctly. We used to laugh so hard; he was always such a jovial man, never without a smile. He fell head over heels for me and I just didn't think of him that way, so I thought it best to request a transfer. Well, he apparently went off the deep end after that--became a real ass. I wonder what became of him? Oh, but I digress.

So there sat Pike and I saw immediately why I'd been called back: his hair was screaming red alert. Well, there's really no communicating with Chris Pike anymore. They had this system set up for him where he can beep to answer yes or no questions. Of course the first thing I suggested is that we get Mr. Spock to mind meld with him. I swear, you would have thought I was speaking Klingonese the way everyone looked at me. I just didn't push it. So I asked him, "Chris, What do you want us to do with that hair?" Well, he gave me quite a look and I'd realized what I'd done so I rephrased the question. "Would you like a little color in that hair of yours."

I've been a very very bad.

He beeped and I just couldn't remember how many beeps was yes and how many was no. I got Spock on the com and he straightened me out. Well, when Pike heard Spock's voice he just started beeping. "Beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep." Which I translated, with my new knowledge, as "No, no, no." Well, I had no idea what that was about. I thought I'd better makes some excuse and let him calm down, so I told him I was going to go and get some hair dye ready.

Well, before I got to salonbay all hell had broken loose. The ship is now locked on course. We've plucked Jim and Commodore Mendez out of a shuttle. Spock is under arrest. Seems we're off to Talos IV. That's not good, not good at all. There is a sushi roller disco heaven that is going to be missing an angel tonight.
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Um. What is that thing?

Well, everything is on autopilot so no one has anything to do. Jim, Scotty, Bones and Mendez are all at the hearing for Mr. Spock. You're not going to believe this, dear cosmelog, but Spock mutinied! He stole the ship and set it on a unalterable course to Talos IV. Well, it would be funny, but visiting Talos IV is the only crime still punishable by death so we're all unclear if that applies just to Mr. Spock or if we should all get our affairs in order.  

You remember how I told you in my previous blog about making Spock our tenth for poker night? Well, I think Spock has just taken the whole thing a little bit too seriously. He has really been working on his bluffing skills. First he had to get past telling everyone that he was bluffing. He'd say "I will see you're bet Captain, and I will raise it 10 credits. However, I am bluffing." He lost everything the first few games. Now he's doing quite well. He's even gotten past raising his eyebrow whenever he gets good cards. Anyhoo, I think this whole bluffing thing and "Vulcans don't bluff" thing has just driven him off the deep end. Who knows what he's up to.

Movie Night!

Well, anyway, everyone is bored to tears. Spabay is booked solid. Salon bay is dead, no one seems to need a hair cut because we've already given everyone one. Everyone is just about tumbled out at the gym. Why, if I have to play another game of Three-dimensional Monopoly or Pan-dimensional Life I will beam myself into the void of space!
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I was sitting around salonbay with the girls and all the screens on the ship started showing footage of Captain Pike and the old crew of the Enterprise when they went to Talos IV back in the old days. Seems it's somehow part of Spock's Trial. For a Vulcan, that little man is so dramatic. I don't know how he put this together, but we are all glued to the screen. I ordered salonbay closed and immediately, in my position as cruise director, ordered that we all go to the rec rooms, replicate some popcorn and enjoy the show.
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Number one sporting a Lois Lane cut

Well, I'm not so good at telling stories but this is the story so far as we can tell from the transmissions: Thirteen years ago Pike was captain of the Enterprise. He was such a handsome fellow. Those sky blue eyes and that dark hair. He was simply dashing. Well they were going somewhere, I didn't get that. I was too busy looking at his first officer's hair. It's the style we used to call the Lois Lane, very popular over a decade ago. The other thing I kept focusing on was Mr. Spock's brows. I'm so glad he finally let me convince him that they needed regular waxing. "It's not logical. It's not logical." I finally said "How's this for logic: IF you want your Vulcan bangs trimmed THEN you're going to have to let me do something about that V shaped unibrow." I wouldn't let any of my girls go near him with their scissors until he agreed.

I'm a doctor AND a bartender (and a mechanic)

Then there was a part where good old Dr. Boise was talking to Chris. He said. "I'm a Doctor AND a bartender. I prescribe hard liquor." We all had a good laugh at that one. And then Chris was all like, "Doctor, Doctor, I just can't do this anymore. I want to ride horses or sell slaves or whatnot." Boise was like, "No way" or something. I got a little lost in the clothes. I had forgotten all about the mechanic jump suits doctors used to wear. The old uniforms just weren't as class as the new. Without a doubt the new red, blue and gold uniforms will be around for centuries to come. Seriously, does the mini skirt EVER go out of style?

Let's see where was I. Oh, the story. So, they sent a landing party down to Talos IV. There was like a geriatric outpost there, or a retirement ship of some kind had crashed there, or something. I know it had to do with a bunch of old men, stranded. So, they beamed down. They had these nice little jackets on, a bit bulky, but maybe Starfleet should think about bringing back the jacket. Those uniforms did make it a little more difficult to identify members of your landing party though. I mean nothing says "Security! Here I am! Use me as a human shield!" like a red shirt.

Vina in her macrame survival skirt

So anyway, mixed in with all the oldies was this young woman, Vina. Well, she obviously knew something about cast-away fashion. She had tailored one of men's shirts to fit her perfectly. Her hair had that teased, perfectly fixed, space vixen look. She had some how managed to find eye make-up in the rubble of that old space wreck, probably just soot left from the fire, and lipstick, probably animal fat mixed with berries or the blood of some local fauna thickened with goose fat. I don't know if they had goose fat, but it sure does stay on your lips; well, as long as you don't lick them; goos fat does taste real good; if you like that sort of thing. Anyhoo, she looked stunning! But the piece de resistance was her skirt. It reminded me of that little number that salt vampire wore, you know the one, the viney thing. Well, Vina must have natural talent for fashion or one of those old men in that party must have some wicked macrame skills because the dress was smashing! SMASHING!

Well, before you know it Vina and the Oldies just up and disappeared and these big headed bald people came out and abducted Pike. Took him right into this cave elevator. We were all surprised by that turn of events. Here we were watching a space rescue and out of nowhere these heads appear!

These big veiny headed folks, it seems, are the Talosians. Yes, an advanced race of beings who have amazing mind powers and wear lovely silvery robes, such simple tastes--and that was it. Not so much as a "until next time". That-was-it. Hopefully they'll pick back up tomorrow, but I've got one of the boys who does shampoos keeping an eye on the view screens. He's supposed to hail me at the first sign of an image so we can finish watching! I'll catch you up when we know more!

Talosian sporting some bling

...

Uhura: Landmark Interacial Kiss

It just wasn't the kiss you thought I was talking about. 

"Kirk, Schmirk. I'm going to the Chapel!"

Having an Episode: The Corbomite Maneuver

Dear Cosmetology log:

So, Uhura stopped by on the way to the bridge this morning looking like a re-heated redshirt. She was wearing that gold uniform again, which really isn't her color. The red really brings out the fire in her eyes. And besides, she works communications so according to regulations, her uniform is supposed to be red, after all this is work, not a cocktail party! I swear I'm going to have to ask Dr. McCoy if there's such thing as red/gold color blindness or if she's just trying to double her wardrobe. I just let it pass. I figured in the state she's in today, uniform color was the last thing she wanted to discuss.

Red/Yellow color blind

Anyhoo, she oozes into salonbay looking like yesterday's replicated meatloaf. Scotty sent her to me for my hangover remedy because he knows first hand how well it works. You see, last night at poker, she was very close to winning and, well, she just throws back the booze when she's nervous. More on the game in a minute. So, she comes in this morning sweating like a Vulcan at a comedy club and asks me about this traditional remedy I devised back in my days as an astrobiology student at Starfleet (yes, I did biology as my second major along with xeno-cosmetology).

Well, I sat her right down in a salon chair and got one of the girls to tidy her up while I mixed her up my little remedy. My remedy is no secret as I made it to aid mankind, not for personal gain so I'll pass it along to you. Here it is: one part corn syrup, one part botox and one part Vegemite. Take a teaspoon or two of that and your hangover will be 100% cured and it will numb your gastrointestinal track for at least the next week. There's one little side effect, explosive diarrhea, but you won't notice the stomach cramps because of the numbness. Stay close to a bathroom. (Which, believe me, is a little difficult on this ship.)  I used to just call it "my remedy" or "corn syrup/botox/vegemite combo", but Kirk shortened it to "cor-bo-mite" back when we were at the Academy together and that name just kinda stuck. And, incidentally, that was also back when our little poker night tradition started. 

Kirk knows the benefits and side effects of my Corbomite

Poker night has been a bit somber ever since Gary gained god-like power and we had to put him down. (Remember Gary Mitchell? He was with Kirk and me at Starfleet Academy, handsome, brown hair, silvery eyes that caught the light. You know, that guy Kirk buried beneath several tons of stone on Delta Vega.) Well, last night moods lightened a bit. I came in late; one of the girls had left the hair weave replicator on and we were waist deep in blonde curls before anyone realized, so I was late leaving salonbay. Anyhoo, When I got to the briefing room everyone already had their drinks and snacks and they were just waiting for little old me.

Poker night, as a tradition, started back when Jimmy Kirk, Gary Mitchell and I were at the Academy. Others would come and go, but we were the core group. In fact, I think Jimmy insisted on having Gary and I assigned to the Enterprise to try and make back some of his loses from those days. Now, here on the ship, we play every other Friday. That is, if we are not facing impending doom, which is more often then you might guess. We have a cap of ten players and we usually play at capacity, but since Gary died we've played with one chair empty. I've been pushing to give Spock an invite but everyone seems to think he would find the game distasteful since Vulcan's don't bluff, eat pretzels or (like Baptists) play cards.

Poker, I don't even know her

As for the other crew members with standing invites, first, of course there's Kirk and me. Kirk's plays an erratic game of poker, but he can't reprogram the game so he's had to get used to losing to me which really irritates him. Then there's McCoy who plays a solid game, but his eyes flash when he's got good cards so he's a little too easy to read. Chapel is always the first out. I swear, sometimes I wonder if she knows a heart from a spade. Sulu and Riley always come together. Riley plays an average game and Sulu is super competitive but loses his game when the heat is on. Rand is on the roster, but I think Kirk just likes to have her close so she can get him chips and fill his glass. She says she just plays for fun which must mean she gets her jollies from leaving empty handed, because believe me sister she always does. My real competition comes from Scotty and Uhura. Scotty can bluff like nobody ("That will take three days to fix." yeah right, while you sit down in engineering searching through e-harmony profiles and watching Orion Girls Gone Wild.) and Uhura can read the room faster than she reads those romance novels of hers (In 50 different languages). She's one sharp cookie. Gary was a pretty even match, but I'm really the player to watch, that's why they call me the Poker-oshi Maru.

So last night, the conversation turned to the position of recreational officer. You see, Gary served in that capacity in addition to his duties as helmsman and Kirk mentioned that we needed a replacement; you know, what with Gary being dead and all. Well, several people had a horse in that race. The position is pretty cushy; it doesn't require much, mostly delegation and signing off on activities. All the planning and executing are done by the rec staff. What makes the job so desirable is the perks that come with it. First of all, who doesn't love the rec officer. Second, you can push activities and destinations that you like the most; Gary liked to set up lots of hunting and hiking trips. He also liked visiting casino settlements and colonies with large, clean brothels (That wasn't bad for me because, as you know, those working girls always have some of the most experimental hairdos in the universe and when there are brothels around there are also good Korean beauty supply stores). Anyhoo, the biggest perk of the job is that it comes with new quarters. That's right, an apartment like suite with an amazing view and a jacuzzi inset tub!

Dr. McCoy's Ancestor, Julie McCoy with her captain and crew

Uhura mentioned right away that she was interested. Bones put in his two cents worth (which isn't much since we don't use money in the future). He's the favorite for the job because he comes from a long line of cruise directors. In fact, he has an ancestor who was one of the most celebrated and famous cruise directors of all time. There's been a cruise director in his family for more than 10 generations. His parents were so disappointed when he told them he was going to be a doctor. He wants the job, but Bones doesn't need the room. His quarters are already quite nice. Sulu and Riley both think the position should be theirs and Rand would like it but she really doesn't have the rank. Of course, I think I'm the right woman for the position, mostly because who else would look as fabulous as I in that inset tub filled with bubbles, sipping on a replicated mimosa?

Let's get physical

So, as the evening wore on and the alcohol begin to kick in, Uhura suggested that we play for the position. Kirk was out early but in good spirits and the mood was light enough that he agreed without thinking it through. Uhura was up in the game and looked like she'd take the pot. Bones, Sulu, Riley, Scotty, and myself were still in. The gloves came off. Scotty wisely just took what he'd won and kicked back to watch the rest of us scramble for the prize. We quickly eliminated Riley and Sulu. The game came down to me, Bones and Uhura. With the pressure on Uhura started really guzzling the Saurian brandy. She never realizes how drunk she's getting on that stuff because she likes to mix it with Coca Cola and lime. I thought we were going to be there all night, but Kirk suggested we play one last round, winner take all. That round turned out to be a nail biter. Well, it's true what they say: Those unlucky in love have the cards on their side and I did. I had a full house: Kings and Aces. Uhura had three jacks and Bones had a pair of queens (not Riley and Sulu mind you). Bones was fuming! Kirk had to agree to come in tomorrow for his long overdue physical just to calm him down. And that's how I became the rec officer and got the sweetest new pad! (and yes, we do say pad, and groovy too, in the future.)

There are no hard feelings between Uhrua and I today, but Bones is fit to be tied. I sent Uhura off to the bridge, she still looks a little rough, but it's going to be a slow day of star mapping so she'll be fine. I'll avoid Bones until things calm down a bit. He can take it out on Kirk during his physical today.

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Rubic's cube

I was called to the bridge. Kirk wanted to meet with all the department heads. Some kind of Rubic's cube flew up and blocked our path. Bailey, the navigator reported that it was 1593 meters away from us. Sulu said it's mass was around 11000 metric tonnes. Scotty said it was a solid cube and he didn't get how it could move. Bailey suggested we blow it up. I said I thought it was really really pretty and wouldn't it make a nice lamp, the way it spins and everything, kind of like a lava lamp. We'd have to make it smaller of course.

"Hey, did that noise come from you?"

Kirk wanted us to all to get together in the briefing room to decide what course of action we were going to take. We were in there forever! I finally said "Look, either sh*t or get off the pot. It doesn't have hair or need it's nails done so I'm going back to salonbay where I can be useful. You can reach me there." Uhura took my suggestion literally. The Corbomite has really kicked in. She still doesn't look so good, but she did say she feels fine.
 _____________________________

Well, I was working on Tina Lawton's hair when we blasted that cube. There was really no warning. Now, as an aside, I have never understood why the safety division of Starfleet was eliminated by the Federation Council or how the anti-seat belt lobby ever became that powerful. Some say it is a deliberate attempt at population control. Others buy the Heavyco conspiracy theory (Heavyco is the company that owns the monopoly in gravity plating). No matter what the reason for the policy, I directly defied all orders and regulations by making sure all of the salon chairs in salonbay are equipped with black market, contraband seat belts that I personally obtained through my connections deep within the Orion Syndicate. (Oh, Computer, strike this last paragraph from my log.)

Seat belts? Too much to ask?

Anyhoo, I was working on Tina's hair when the ship listed sharply starboard. We decided the best way to fix the damage was just to shave the poor child bald. Luckily, this style is currently very popular due to my very own research (The article "The Deltan Placebo Effect" was published in The New England Journal of Medicine, The Vulcan Science Academy Journal and UFP Cosmetology Weekly). I ordered salonbay shut down until further notice. I'm going to see if I can get security to assign some redshirts to help me pack. After all, I've got a new cabin to move into.
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Anyone who has a ship that big is compensating for something

Well, there's no point finishing with the packing until I find out if I'm going to live through the next ten minutes. I swear, if I had a credit for every time my life was in danger; I'd have a lot of credits (and nothing to buy because, did I mention, we don't use money in the future). Some alien named Bollocks has flown his massive ship up and told us to get ready to die. The pictures of him have spread around the ship like wildfire. The captain wanted me on the bridge. He wanted my input. I said all I knew is with a ship that big the captain had to be overcompensating for something and since this alien has no hair I don't see the point of making my way to the bridge unless he wants me to get started on a wig. That made me think: I did suggest working up some of those salonbay simulations of how different hairdos would look on Ballocks that we could send over. After all, a successful makeover is the antidote to aggression. That has been proven by medical science again and again. (Oprah single-handedly did her part in the Eugenics Wars of the 90's) Jim changed his mind and said maybe I could get the doctor off his back by calming Bailey down.

I found Bailey in his quarters. He was weeping, positively squealing, like a Tellerite child. I ordered him to quit blubbering and to walk with me. He asked me how we could have ended up in such a situation and I told him to think of his "WAWOHA" training. (See my post WAWOHA: Why Are We Out Here Anyway). I reminded him of the mission. I told him to think of all the good things that have come from space exploration. I made him remember the unicorns. Then I reminded him that if he was going to die or be disabled in space he'd get a lot more compensation if he was on duty. I've never seen a man move that fast.

Nothing like coffee to take your mind off death

I ran into Janice in the rec room. She was trying to get coffee out of the replicator but non-essential power was down. I told her to check the galley for half empty cups from this morning, pour them together and heat them with a hand phaser. Nobody will know.
 _____________________________

I guess I should continue packing, not for my new quarters but for the planet on which we are about to be abandoned. Balok (not Ballocks as I previously thought though the latter does match the shape of his head) is going to escort us to a suitable world and then destroy my new cabin (along with the rest of the ship). Get this, Kirk told Balok that all UFP ships contain a substance called "corbomite" that creates an equal and opposite deadly force when attacked. What a hoot! It apparently kept Balok from firing on us (although Uhura probably knows about equal and opposite explosive forces right now.)

I like long walks on the beach and puppies

Instead of packing, I decided instead to see if I could help out and find out who this Balok is. I did what any single girl would do and I checked the computer to see if I could find his profile. Well, there was an interesting one on eHarmony. I took one look at it and knew right away that this guy was blowing smoke up our miniskirts. First off, he said he was 7 feet tall and weighed 50 pounds--that had to be a lie. Then he said he had an Olympic gold medal but I couldn't find any Olympic medalists named Balok. Before I could tell the captain the ship was rocking all over the place and we had broken free of that tractor beam.
 _______________________________

Is this tranya roofied?

Well, Bones and Kirk came back from Balok's ship. Seems they left Bailey over there. As I suspected Balok was using fake pictures in his profile on eHarmony. He doesn't look anything like that bubble headed Don Juan he was trying to pass himself off as. When they got back, Kirk and Bones were so hopped up on Tranya they were just ready to let Baily be whisked off into space by someone we just met. I sat right down and explained to Jim that a girlfriend doesn't abandon another girlfriend on a first date. For all we know Balok could be a real creep. I convinced Jim to go by the books although I think the Tranya made him real open to any and all suggestions. Anyhoo, we're going to be here a few days to get the paperwork and clearance for the inter-species exchange program. That way, we will have at least covered ourselves if Balok turns out to be on of those crazy "To Serve Man" types.

____________________________

After meeting him, I don't think Balok is a threat. He just has a little self-esteem problem and needs to learn the lesson that Ruth got back with that whole Venus drug incident. I told him, "Put down the tranya and be the best you, you can be. 'Cause no one can love you until you love yourself." I told him all about Ruth and how she got pretty from within. But I wanted to be realistic. I told him she started with a little more paint on her palette, so to speak, than he had. I convinced Balok to come over and let us replicate him a few wigs that he can wear for some new profile pictures. I told him we could make him look a little more masculine and intimidating if we ditch the silver headband and get him some pointy sideburns. Oh and we're gonna trim those bushy brows.

Having a laugh with Balok

When Balok got to Salonbay he had a terrible Tranya hangover. I mixed him up my hangover remedy and he said "What do you call this?" I said, "That, my friend, is corbomite." With that we both threw our heads back and laughed and laughed! I stopped laughing before he did, but it was so awkward I just pretended to laugh some more.

Oh and I almost forgot. When Kirk came staggering back and smelling of tranya he called me right up. He said he'd found a tenth for our next poker night. He slurred out something about someone wanting to know more about the game, and then I think he must have passed out because the com went all silent. I wonder who that tenth player could be? I guess I'll find out soon enough!

Having an Episode: Dagger of the Mind

Tantalus V: Penal Colony Entrance

Dear Cosmetology Log:

Crazy

We stopped by the Tantalus Penal Colony to drop off some cargo including large bottles of prescription drugs. We beamed up a box and guess what, there was a stowaway in it. Now they've got him down in sickbay and we've had to turn around to take him back. Seems he's as mad as a hatter. Now it turns out that he's not an inmate, he's a doctor assigned to the colony.  Well, Bones thinks something fishy is going on so now we're going to have to hang around this rock until Kirk can go down and check things out.

Targ's Nest

Dr. Helen Noel is joining Kirk in the away team. She came by for a quick up do. I couldn't do her hair myself  and one of the new girls did it. My gods! When she left here she looked like she still was still in curlers. There was one lock of hair that just flopped at the side like Spanish moss. It was supposed to be avant garde but it looked more like something that fell out of the back of the cavalry. Poor thing. Anyhoo, I dabbed a bit of makeup on her eyes, slapped some color on her lips before she ran off to the transporter room. I should not have let her out of here looking like that. Why the true form of a salt vampire has more allure! I sat that new girl down and really gave her a once over. Dr. Noel really needed to look her best especially after what happened at the science lab Christmas party last year. She's a goofy easily swayed, doe-eyed girl. Frankly, I'm not sure how she got to be a psychiatrist. But I digress. 

Dr. Adams + Dr. Noel (Targ's Nest)

So, there is a crazy man on board and it now seems that he is accusing Dr. Tristan Adams of making him that way.

Targ's Nest + Prison Kaftan

Now, everyone will tell you that Dr. Adams has single-handedly changed the face of modern penology (and no, that has nothing to do with what you're thinking about, so stop it). I beg to differ. I worked with him for a few years back when I was a fashion model/designer. He was redesigning prison systems on earth and he brought together the brightest young minds of the time to work with him. Naturally, I was there to completely overhaul prison uniforms. The uniforms of the prisoners on the Tantalus Colony are the exact one's I designed so many years ago. They are a bit out of fashion now, but they are classic. The women wear prison regulation Kaftans with vibrant prints. The men wear nice, soft, cotton pajamas. After all, if you are comfortable you are less likely to resort to violence. Anyhoo, Adams brought many people together and then made everything look like his ideas that were executed by others. He has no interest in making the lives of prisoners better or in helping reform others. He simply wants to look like he does. I must say, I honestly think he is a turd. And no, I don't use that term lightly. He did design the logo for his organization though: a hand sweltering in the heat, crushing a dove.

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Crazy

I went by sickbay to see if there was anything I could do to help out. Maybe give Van Gelder a trim or manicure. He's been horribly neglected in those areas. Even a man in a cage needs dignity and the first step on that road is proper grooming. Alas, he has slipped beyond even my reach. His nails are ragged and his grey hair has been left to mother nature to color and style (and although she does somethings well, hair is not among them). Even with proper grooming I fear his mind is beyond repair. Spock's going to slip in there and have a looky-loo. He was going on and on with McCoy about how mind melding is a personal thing for Vulcans. I think he's just trying to make excuses. For someone so logical, Spock can be a real drama queen. And honey, believe me, I understand. There are folks who come in salonbay that I don't want to put my fingers on either but they need help, and beauty is my business. Anyhoo, I digress.

I do know a bit about the Vulcan mind meld. You see, I volunteered as a docent at the San Francisco Alien Anthropology Museum. The museum had very close ties to many of the alien embassies and the Vulcans were extremely helpful in building our collection and compiling resources on their evolution and history. They personally trained our docents for the exhibition "Fascinating: From Loonies to Logicians, the Evolution of Vulcan Philosophy through Folk Art". The Vulcans, as you know do have strong psychic abilities that require physical contact. I actually had long conversations with the personal assistant to the Vulcan attache on this very subject. We dated for a short time, which was strongly frowned upon so we kept it a close secret. Anyhoo, I did learn about the mind meld from him.

Surak and the Traditional Vulcan "Scissors" symbol

As it turns out, hairdressers on Vulcan, coming in close contact with the heads of their clients, inadvertently pick up all kinds of information through unintentional melds. All salons are potential houses of intrigue and hairdressers are bound by a code of client confidentiality strictly enforced by law and tradition. Before the time of Surak (the son of a barber), before Vulcans began to embrace logic, hairdressers amassed limitless power and even threatened to destroy Vulcan civilization altogether. Thus, the Vulcan standard of the bowl cut grew from these dark times. An actual bowl was placed on the head so that the stylist and client would have no physical contact. The bangs and back were cut, taking care not to touch skin on skin. Thus a new breed of hair dresser was born and the priestly caste of Vulcan grew out of this new group of bowl cutting stylists. These stylists were actually the ones who initially spread Surak's philosophy and they had a captive audience in their salon chairs. Today, the bowl is only used in rituals, but the haircut remains. On Vulcan, allowing someone to cut your hair is a sign of great trust, and one still gets one's hair cut and styled by a temple priest or priestess, who is also a master cosmetologists.

Through his mind meld Spock found out from Van Gelder that Adams is using some kind of mind wiper machine. Kirk is definitely in danger on the planet below and now we can't get to him because of the force field blocking transport. I don't see how they could beam down anyway because the facility is so far undergound. I told Spock he was out of his Vulcan mind if he thought he could beam in there even with the transporter shield down and he said, "I believe Nurse Chapel is in need of a cream rinse." Well, I know where I'm not wanted so I just let out a little "hmpf", pursed my lips, turned on my heels and walked right out of there. I did stop to grab that medicinal bottle of Saurian brandy and then I went straight to Rec Room 3 and demanded chocolate from the replicator.
________________________________________

Well, Kirk is back on board and safe. So is Noel. I insisted on redoing her hair myself and she looks like a dream. She told me everything that happened on the surface below. While I was working on her, Mr. Spock came into Salonbay and made an appointment with me to have his hair done. Up until now he has cut it himself. Why Mr. Spock. I believe that qualifies as an apology and I do so humbly accept.


...

Common People: Chatting with Kirk

Sorry dears, no new Moxie Pod today. Here's something to keep you busy until next week.

Dear Cosmelog,

Last night I was chatting with Kirk about our days at the academy. He was drinking Saurian Brandy and he started telling me about a woman he used to date. Well, I accidentally recorded the whole thing in music mash-up mode on my com recorder! How embarrassing!

The Infinite Void of Space

It can get pretty boring on a space ship. The old adage is indeed true: "In space no one can hear you sigh."

For everyday we discover a unicorn dog thing, or a Alpine unicorn gorilla (I just wouldn't want to live in a universe bereft of unicorn creatures), there are at least ten other days where we just stand around with very little to say or do.

Even imagining the unicorn creature we could discover next becomes tedious.

(Psychological test for space madness: If you do not rate this picture above a 4.8 on Hector's Adorability Scale, then space tedium has set in. Without intervention, space madness will follow.)

But somehow we always manage to get through...

...

Having an Episode: Miri

Stardate: 2713.5

We are orbiting an exact copy of earth. What's with the copies? these last few weeks copies of Captain Kirk have been positively oozing out of the woodwork and now this! (I just hope the earth's double doesn't start forcing itself on female crew member's!) There will be a landing party and I have to, have to, have to be a part of it. If it's an exact copy of earth I should be able to get some decent sushi and a good cup of coffee. I bet we can even find a Korean beauty supply store!

(NOTE: As silly as it may seem, duplicate Earths are not unheard of and are no laughing matter. Infact, the history books tell us of a huge computer that was a replica of the earth. From what I understand, it was designed to answer the question of life, the universe and everything. I believe it was destroyed by Vogons.)

If you look real close the number 42 is everywhere. I wonder why.

I've gotten word that Rand is going to be in the landing party along with Spock, Kirk, Dr. McCoy, Williams and Walker. I'd hoped to be assigned as beauty support but the captain insists that I stay on board. I made Rand promise to keep in touch with me, and to contact me at the first sight of a beauty supply store. I understand taking Williams as security, but Walker. Walker is a loose cannon. I remember being on shore leave with him and a few other crew members a while back. He kept inflating himself in front of the locals by telling them he was Captain Walker. It was "Captain Walker" this and "Captain Walker" that. I'm surprised he didn't get himself in trouble and thrown into the brig!

______________________________

The crew is dying to know what's going on on the planet's surface. As usual in these situations, crew members are coming by salonbay with no real beautification needs. They come here for the chat and we are serving it up hot! This comes straight from the bridge: John Farrell came down for a peppermint scalp treatment (he has such beautiful strawberry blond hair but unfortunate recurring battles with dry scalp), and he said that the away team has come in contact with a virus, A VIRUS! My first question was "John, is it an STD?" I just blurted it out. I just couldn't help myself. Kirk does have a healthy libido and sometimes managing these away teams is like chaperoning hormonal teenagers to Panama City, Florida for spring break! John said it was not an STD; it was airborn. Mr Spock doesn't have it but everyone else does. Why, they are positively covered in blue spots from what I gather.

I got a quick message from Rand, too. The planet is devastated or devastating. I couldn't really tell, She couldn't get a good signal. There is or is not a good Korean beauty supply store--or maybe she said a Coridan beauty supply store, and I wouldn't be very interested in that. Those Coridanites make the ugly stick look like a blooming orchid! Honestly, I think the real reason they are miners is because they don't want to show their faces in the light of day. But, I digress. Janice said something about children.
_____________________________

A Vengan just before space madness kicked in

A little more news has filtered in from the bridge crew. Now, Scotty was here earlier for a trim. He's in command since Kirk and Spock are away. While I was shaving his ear hair I mined him for information. He said the planet is in ruins. There are no adults, only children. Now mind you, he did say the children were 300 years old.

Now, the other thing he told me about is the disease: The inhabitants were trying to slow the rate of aging and they accidentally created this fatal disease. The disease leads to space madness before death. (The same thing happened on Venga IV. Well, almost the same. The Vengans were trying to slow aging with a mutated strain of the botulism bacterium called botasm. At first it worked. Space madness and death followed--oh, and then Zombie-ism.)
_______________________________

Janice rang me on her communicator. She was very emotional and we had another bad connection. First she cried. Then she said something about her legs that I asked her to repeat a few times but I still didn't get it. And then she got angry and just let fly with a stream of obscenities. I think the space madness might be next.
 _______________________________

The crew is incommunicado and rumors are flying. They are so close to finding a cure. Some people speculate that the children have gone all "Lord of the Flies" on the landing party.
________________________________

The landing crew is back! Not a one of them is dead and they are all cured. Even Williams and Walker made it back! Bones tested his antidote on himself and it worked. I joined a large team that beamed down to the surface to help synthesize the vaccine and inoculate the children. We left them some provisions including eight live pigs we had on board. I loved talking to the kids and giving them hope for the future. I fell in love with one little girl in particular. Her name was Entity, I told her that one day, if she worked hard enough, she could be in charge of everything. "Why," I said, "You could be in charge of ... What's the name of this place anyway?" She said that they always called it Bartertown. "One day, you'll rule Bartertown, Entity. You just have to want it enough."

We are leaving the children behind. You know, Kirk isn't very good with kids and I think he really wants to put some space between himself and this little incident. Space Central will send in a team to help them. Hope they do it quickly and don't drag their feet on this. And I hope that the children remember us fondly: